'AITA if I stay home with my 3-month-old and don't fly to visit in-laws for the holidays?'

"AITA if I stay home with my 3-month-old and don't fly to visit in-laws for the holidays which delays their meeting the baby?"

Spouse wants to take our 3 kids to visit family (parents and 3 siblings) for the holiday. I want to stay home to avoid travel and discomfort with 3 month old and to stay in my own comfortable space with the routine and demands of that baby.

Spouse has done many things to make the travel as easy on the baby (re: me) as possible. Willing to buy expensive plane tickets. Willing to find a bus to avoid car travel. Willing to make all necessary stops for baby. Willing to get multiple hotels along the way. Willing to turn it into a mini vacation and only spend a few days with family.

But it will always include a 2 hour drive from a small airport or a 4 hour drive from a major airport. This baby suffers from reflux and other tummy troubles that require stopping every 5-20 minutes in a car. Which would include stopping on small, one lane highways to tend to the baby while keeping the 5 & 7yo entertained.

My older kids are already struggling with having less attention in their own space. I’m imagining they will be more [outward behavior problem caused by inner turmoil] in grandparents house and out of their routine.

My kids struggle at home, but it can be mitigated because they are in their own space. Being in an uncomfortable space, with extra adults and new to them rules, AND continuing to have less attention from parents might make them terrors of behavior. I’m thinking having a break from baby would be good for them, but who truly knows.

My spouse always ends up irritated with family by the end of a visit. I think they want me to go to help their emotions, feelings, and reactions. I do help them not get as frustrated at their parents.

And I feel uncomfortable in their house. Lots of unnecessary details there.

It would be so much easier on me if I stay home with the 3mo baby and avoid all of it.

I struggle to make decisions (recovering people pleaser) and really can’t tell if I’m a) taking care of myself, or b) being an AH

So, WIBTA if I stayed home and spouse took older kids alone? I would be keeping baby from meeting grandpa, two aunts and one uncle and their respective families. I wouldn’t be there to help spouse parent the kids. And most important, spouse feels rejected by my choice and it causes some hurt in our relationship.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Responsible-Doctor26 wrote:

You have a 3-month-old. Let your parents fly to travel to see you. I've never been lucky enough to have a family of my own but even this 60-year-old dude knows that a pregnant woman or a new mother should be catered to. A 3-month-old baby means that a woman has gone through physical hell to bring life into the world and she should be given a basic amount of consideration.

OP responded:

Thanks for thoughts and consideration. In-laws are not coming to me because I have not invited them. They are very respectful and not pushing anything.

VreyeanA09 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you are carrying everyone. That responsibility comes with privileges - namely, being able to put your foot down when too much is asked. This is too much. Your husband and in-laws are not going to agree with us, but they are just wrong. Why are all of you traveling to see your in-laws instead of your in-laws coming to see you if they want to meet the baby so badly?

OP responded:

Thankfully mil would never allow that. She is very considerate and stayed with us 3 weeks when baby was first born.

Rainbowsintheuk wrote:

Why can't they come to you? Get a hotel or something? Babies shouldn't be in car seats for more than two hours...it's your 3rd...your husband should know this by now. He should also shutting this down, you have a 3 month old. Does he really want to risk for your youngest to get sick.

I don't understand the logic that the ones with the young kids/babies should be the ones to travel and leave their comfort. If they want to meet your baby, they should come to you.

OP responded:

In-laws are not coming to me because I have not invited them. They are very respectful and not pushing anything.

XYZ1113AA wrote:

NTA. Please wean family from having expectations on you and your peace. No way in hell I would travel that soon after giving birth. That baby should not be exposed to winter germs and you should stay home and rest in your cocoon as long as you like.

OP responded:

I love my cocoon.

eaca02124 wrote:

NTA. You just had a baby! Are you not entitled to put yourself first once in a while?

Traveling with small children is hard at the best of times and extremely hard at the holidays. Putting a family of five with three small children on a bus and a plane is a big ask. You do not have to.

If these people are so excited about meeting the baby, they can come to you.

If your husband wants your presence in his holiday so much, he can let his parents know that your family's plans have changed and stay home.

loligo_pealeii wrote:

NTA. There is almost nothing that would induce me to bring an infant who hasn't had a full contingent of vaccines on a plane, especially not during flu/RSV season. If your husband thinks you're exaggerating, have him watch some of those videos of tiny babies struggling to breath and being put on respirators. Family can come to you or they can wait until baby is old enough to travel.

gifhyatt wrote:

NTA! You should keep that baby home.

Make a video of (a day in the life of _____). If you want them to know the reason you’re not traveling with the baby.

Personally, I wouldn’t travel with a baby that young anyway.

Keep the baby home and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.