'WIBTA if I stayed at my parent's place while my wife stayed at the hotel?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I stayed at my parent's place while my wife stayed at the hotel?"
My wife and I are going to be attending her friend's wedding which is in the same city that I'm from, as in my parents still live there. It's on a Saturday with some events on Sunday and our plan is to fly out with our 1 year old on Friday and spend 2 nights there.
My wife and my parents, particularly my mom don't get along too well. I'm fortunate that we're far enough that they have to meet infrequently and when we do meet they do remain cordial but distant.
My mom could've been more tactful, my wife could've been a bit more understanding too, its just issues that can not be bridged and I won't try to. However, I thought we could stay at my parent's house while we're there.
However, my wife is adamantly opposed to the idea and says she needs us to stay at a hotel. I brought up the fact that we meet them on important family occasions without issue, that this was a good opportunity to spend some quality time but she said this was different, it was her friend's wedding, she wanted to be in the correct headspace and not be stressed.
I brought up that staying at my parent's would mean more help with getting the clothes ready, and our son. But she's just flat out saying no. She says we can meet them for lunch or something when we land and before leaving but we can't stay there.
I didn't push the issue further but the more I think about it the more unreasonable it seems to me. Us not staying is 100% going to open a whole new can of worms in an already fraught dynamic.
I'm considering saying that I'll spend time at my parent's (with our son if she's ok with that) and link up with her at the hotel after breakfast on Saturday and Sunday if she really wants to just stay at the hotel. WIBTA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is your wife’s function — not a family visit. Make it a stress-free, enjoyable one for her. Stay with your wife and son in the hotel. YTA.
YTA you want to abandon your wife, possibly your kid. So you can go play mommys little boy? She is going to leave you if you don't get your act correct. It is 1000% reasonable to only do lunch with family when you are in town for another event. You are the one making the drama.
I feel like YTA. Not that sleeping apart per se is a problem, but the statement it passes. Your insistence on staying at your parents states that their hurtful behavior (whatever it is, you didn’t mention) is okay for you and your wife just have to learn hot to tolerate it.
Please note: for as long as your mother is tactless, your wife does not have to be understanding.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I'd received a pretty negative response to my last post. I'm ok with that since that was the point I suppose although I didn't think it would be a near unanimous negative response. I was coming from a place of indignation I suppose, at the fact that she wasn't even entertaining us staying at my parent's as a valid suggestion.
After the response I realized that her staying at a hotel and me staying with my parents would be a bad look and make us look broken, which is far worse than us coming across as rude to my parents by staying at the hotel. So I put that out of my mind.
This morning during breakfast I brought up us staying at my parents one final time, but no fallback option of sleeping separately. I just tried to come at it from a place of how it could be mutually beneficial and didn't try to push her into it.
She said attending the wedding is a fun thing for her and she wants it to be just the 3 of us. I just brought up how we were obviously not going to bring my parents along to the wedding but to her, even the prep and the dressing and the coming back from the wedding and events also needed to be a thing for just the 3 of us.
While I don't fully agree with her, and think that its just going to cause our relationship with my parents to become even more on edge, a lot of the comments had said this is her event which I agree with and we'll be doing things her way for it. Thanks.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Let me get this straight. Your wife said no multiple times...you got raked over the coals in your last post...and you decide to ask your wife AGAIN? Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top does it? Or are you just THAT narcissistic that you have to have your way and screw everyone else? Why do you hate your wife?
“I guess I’m the jerk for putting pressure on my wife and disrespecting her feelings so I woke up this morning and gently put pressure on her and disrespected her feelings.”
You’re not trying to solve this amicably. You’re still pushing staying with your parents on her and you think you’re being generous by not demanding she go to the hotel alone while you take the kid and stay with mommy.
If your parents wanted you to stay with them they could make an effort to be nicer to your wife but they’re not, and you still want your wife to ruin her trip by having to put up with them? I hope your wife stops putting up with you too. God, I don’t even know you and I’m exhausted by your crap.
Yeah, I pretty much want a divorce from this man I’ve never met. He invented this problem in a power play and won’t stfu about it. I don’t know why she’s tolerating him.
YTA for bringing it up AGAIN after you already had her answer. Dude, listen to your wife and respect her answers. YTA before and you are STILL one.
YTA still. You have learned nothing from the last post. why are you so hellbent on getting your way here? You made it very clear in your first post that your wife and your mother do not get along and the situation can’t be solved. So why are you so focused on forcing your wife to stay with your parents?
Are you trying to punish your wife because you don’t want to go to the wedding and aren’t mature enough to tell her how you feel? Do you think by forcing your wife to stay with your parents it will somehow miraculously mend her relationship with your mom? I truly do not understand why you keep pushing this even when you claim you’re going to “do it her way”.
Although, now that i’ve typed that out, i’m beginning to understand the motivation. You’re mad because you’re having to accommodate your wife’s desire for something instead of being able to get your way.