'AITA for staying full time at my mom's to avoid my stepsister and my dad's expectations for our relationship?'
"AITA for staying full time at my mom's to avoid my stepsister and my dad's expectations for our relationship?"
My parents got divorced when I (16f) was really little and he remarried when I was 4. My stepsister is the same age as me. I spent every other week at dad's house so I had an equal relationship with both of my parents.
My stepsister saw her dad once or twice a year and that stopped happening after a few years of my dad and stepmom being married. Because we were so close in age and similar-ish my dad and stepmom decided we would be the best of friends and do everything together.
When I was at their house we were expected to hang out all the time, to include each other in everything even if it was hanging out with friends. My stepsister became super attached to it but I hated it. Especially the part about not being able to see friends without the other involved.
After a few years my stepsister pretended to like all the things I did so we'd be in the same after school activities and so our birthday parties were identical right down to the type of cake we'd get.
It also meant we got less gifts and had to share big stuff instead because "we both loved them anyway". At dad's house nothing was mine. Not my clothes, my toys or even my room.
Whenever I tried to get space from my stepsister she'd complain to her mom or my dad and my dad would step in and tell me I needed to make time for my "sister". Him and my stepmom started pressuring mom to take my stepsister out with us whenever we did things.
I remember my stepmom calling my mom the "C word" for saying no to taking my stepsister to the trampoline park with me and my friends. Then it was my dad and stepmom yelling at mom for throwing me friend parties and not inviting my stepsister. And every sleepover my mom let me and my friends have was a huge deal to my dad and stepmom.
My mom and dad fought in court when I was 10 because dad accused mom of alienating me from my stepsister and mom wanted to get me therapy to help me process the pressure I faced at dad's house. Dad didn't want me in therapy except for family therapy. Dad didn't win custody and mom got to put me in therapy.
I tried talking to my dad and telling him I didn't want to be BFFs with my stepsister and I didn't want to do everything with her but he ignores it. And he's so much worse now because he acts like I'm bullying her when I don't want to talk non-stop to her or when I don't include her when I'm at mom's house.
So I asked my mom if she could look into getting full custody of me. Her attorney said we could try and dad counter filed for full custody and so it was a back and forth between them for custody.
Mom had the support of my therapist and because of that the judge decided to speak to me. She said she wanted to hear what I'd say but I didn't get to decide exactly.
I told her everything and what I wanted and that I was serious about it. And the judge decided to let mom have full custody of me but the rule is I need to maintain phone contact with dad if nothing else. It specifies how long, how often, etc. But I don't need to be at his house anymore.
Now, other than school, I never see my stepsister and it's great. And at school I tell her I don't want to talk and walk away. Plus I get an extended break because summer. It's great and I'm happy about it.
My dad's pissed which I expected. But he told me I wasn't very nice about any of it and that I might not have bullied my stepsister before but now I basically am and I'm punishing her for loving me and being my sister.
He said I acted like a spoiled mean girl who couldn't handle sharing with someone. And he also said I ran away from most of my family. I don't think so but maybe he's right and I do hate that I lost my dad in all of this. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Even if you were full sisters or even twins, you still deserve to have your own life, activities, and friends. If your father and stepmother has let the relationship naturally grow, you may have been closer to your stepsister, but their interference and their delusion that you need to be joined at the hip ruined any chance of that. NTA.
Legitimate-Movie-539 (OP)
Agreed. I know this stuff happens more often with twins but it shouldn't happen to anyone. At least me and my stepsister looked different enough. I can imagine it's more frustrating when you're identical twins and feel like you're not even you at all.
What's sad is that without your dad and stepmom's aggressive manipulation of your relationship with your stepsister, y'all might have developed a nice relationship organically.
Instead, they forced a fake sisterhood and quite possibly screwed up your relationship with your entire paternal side of the family. Your dad and stepmom are the AHs and they need therapy more than anyone. NTA.
NTA. You didn't run away from most of your family. He drove you away. You told him what the problem was but his expectations were more important to him than your feelings. He brought this on himself.
NTA. You didn’t "run away", you protected yourself from being forced into a relationship that wasn’t genuine.
NTA but please be wary if planning to go to college, they're going to likely try to pawn you off on the same university so you can be roommates and save money or some other crap. I wouldn't share where you want to go with dad or stepmom and stepsister. I'd even consider telling them fake universities.