'AITA for staying friends with my ex while making clear there’s no romantic future for us?'
"AITA for staying friends with my ex while making clear there’s no romantic future for us?"
athrowawaydude2210
Basically exactly what it says. My (M28) ex (F29) and I broke up about four months ago. The breakup was amicable. No fights or yelling. Just me realizing she did not have the future I wanted in mind.
With that, I decided I was wasting her time since neither of us should have to change our desires for the future. While we didn’t fight, she took the breakup poorly and tried to get me to stay, even claiming she would change herself. I noted that there was nothing wrong with her and her desires for the future. Because of that, she shouldn’t have to change.
Since then, we’ve spoken and remained friends. About two months ago, she point blank asked me if we would get back together one day. To which I told her I can’t see the future, but from where we are now, that is a not a possibility.
After that, I sort of diminished contact with her as I didn’t want to make her feel led on. We spoke rarely, with me always initiating. Eventually that boiled over and she reached out and admitted she loves taking to me. She was too nervous to message first.
So now we are sorta friends again. I make sure never to flirt with her or say anything that can be interpreted as such. We mostly talk about work, movies and music now. We are never in a setting where we are alone together. I’m happy to have her in my life, as she’s my friend still and she asked me to stay.
However, friends of hers have commented that while I’m not actively leading her on, my presence in her life is keeping her from moving on and realizing it’s over. I’m not sure if I’m TA for wanting to stay friends with her. Especially when she wants the same thing.
When I diminished contact with her, she claimed that was the hardest part of our breakup, the idea she lost my friendship. And I felt the same way. I still care for her. I just know there’s no future for us romantically.
I’m wondering if I’m holding her recovery back. If there’s a possibility that while it may be awful for her, she’ll come out the other end of no-contact even better than she would be if I was around.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Brilliant_Lopsided
NAH. Unless you continue contact with her. It's obvious she still wants the relationship while you don't. Maybe at some point in the future you two can be friends, but not now. There's too much healing on her part that needs to happen. I can't say she's the asshole cause she's not. And I can't say you're the asshole (yet) cause you didn't fully realize what was going on till her friends pointed it out.
wandering_salad
YTA. It's clear she's not over you, she's tried to keep her distance but on the rare occasions you two spoke, it was always because you initiated. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
You clearly enjoy her company and friendship but she's hoping for more, and her efforts to try to go no contact were trampled on by you initiating contact. Stop it. Find other friends for your emotional needs.
The OP responded here:
So. To note. I’m the one who initiated minimal contact. Not her. She’s the one who told me she hated every second of that. She told me this by actively reaching out to me after almost two weeks of not speaking. So no. There really was no effort on her part to go no contact and she verbally told me that’s the last thing she wants.
AmaraLace
YTA. If you want to leave her, let her go. She deserves to find someone who sees a future with her. You break off contact with her and then when you remember that you have this sort of hold over her, you reach out and predictably, she runs back to you and that makes you feel powerful. Just let her go for real.
RhiannonNana
YTA. Soft YTA. Maybe you can be friends eventually, but right now you need a cooling off period. Since she's obviously still in love with you, you're the one who chose to break up, you are the one who needs to create some distance. You don't have to ghost her 100% but keep communication neutral, minimal and not interesting. She won't like it but that's ok.
Fun-Chance-1590
YTA. You need to give her time and space to heal. It might be easier for you to deal with it than it is for her, but its clear she's still not over you and keeping contact with her is making it harder for her.
ZaraEmber
YTA. You really need to stop leading her on. Please allow her to move on with her life like you've done, she's not your yoyo toy to play with whenever you feel lonely or bored or both.
WebAcceptable7932
YTA. You know she’s holding out hope that possibly one day you’ll get back together. Give her space to get over it. If you don’t she will not move on.