'AITA for staying the night at my BF’s house after his mom told me I wasn’t allowed anymore?' UPDATED

"AITA for staying the night at my boyfriend’s house after his mom told me I wasn’t allowed to anymore?"

I, 19 year old female and my boyfriend, 23 year old male have been dating for just under a year. My boyfriend lives about a half hour from my college so sometimes I stay the night at his place he shares with his mom. The upstairs is like a studio apartment: bed, couch, kitchen, bathroom with a shower and her office space in the living room.

BF lives downstairs which is a bed, his desk, bathroom with shower, and the laundry room. (You have to go outside to go downstairs so it feels like two separate houses). One night my boyfriend and I were having a romantic evening and decided to take a shower together, we had done it in the past and we are both adults.

BF’s mom came down, unlocked his bedroom door without knocking and caught us in the shower together. She kicked me out. She accused me of thinking the house was her son’s bachelor pad instead of a family home. Her and I haven’t spoken since she yelled at me and I’m embarrassed.

Flash forward a month later. My family had a work Christmas party and I brought my boyfriend with me. It was out on a large boat that had alcohol. My boyfriend doesn’t normally drink around me since I can’t drink when we go out but I told him have fun and I would be driving so no biggie.

He had a few too many, I drove him home and the plan was I was going to go home as the semester had ended, my home is almost two hours away. It was already after 1am and my boyfriend didn’t want me to go because he lives up on a windy mountain road (this drive home would be driving through about 35 miles total of windy roads.

One section in particular near my house my best friend, her dad, my neighborhood best friend’s dad, and 8 other people I know have died by drunk drivers driving late at night, look up Gilman springs, CA car accidents, it’s horrific and happens too often), plus I wouldn’t get home until almost 3am. He said he’d sleep upstairs on the couch and it would be fine.

My boyfriend came down in the morning, gave me a kiss goodbye and I went up to my car. There is a note on my car from his mom. She was angry at how disrespectful it was of me to sleep over after she explicitly told me not to.

Turns out my bf didn’t sleep on the couch where she would have seen him, he climbed in my car and slept in the back seat. Now she’s more angry at me and I’m not sure what to do. AITAH for sleeping over even though she told me not to?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

RealRhino2 wrote:

NTA. First, screw her for leaving you a note. If she has a problem with her son having you stay over, she should be taking it up with him, not you.

Second, I'd have a real sit-down discussion with both him and his mom, or tell him to man up and have a conversation with her, about the situation.

I can understand if she's uncomfortable with you two hooking up there. Some people are like that. But this sounded like a safety/emergency situation, and if she can't understand that then screw her again. She's a terrible person if she wants you driving home two hours after 1 AM because she doesn't wanna think about her baby boy actually being intimate like the grown adult he is.

acrobatic-jaguar_623 wrote:

I'm just gonna come right out and say that although this guy sounds decent you're in for a world of hurt in the future.

He's 23 and scared of his mom plus his mom still treats him like he's 16.

lovelosing wrote:

Why is no one talking about a mom walking in on her grown son showering?? Like her house her rules but she’s INSANE for that.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update #1 to answer a few questions: both of their names are on the lease, they are renting the home from a relative. I’m only not allowed to stay the night, she doesn’t want us sleeping in the same bed.

I’m still able to come over usually during the day into the evening but I normally leave around bedtime to go back to my dorm room. Campus is closed for the holidays, Christmas party was between my college and his house.

Update #2: I’m sorry, this is my first time posting here. I did respond to some comments to clarify some details so I apologize if that caused confusion. Boyfriend and I met and started dating when I was 18, spring semester of my freshman year of college. He just started college this fall (we are not at the same college, mine is a 4 year, his is community).

He was just working a minimum wage job, going through the motions of life until we started dating. He’s now working on his associates degree to find a better job/career. Him and his mom moved in to this house a year ago. They are both on the lease but his father who is not really in the picture pays the rent.

He does work which pays for some utilities and food, and all of his personal expenses, his mom lives off disability and her ex husband. Now the actual update. I spoke with my boyfriend about how he needs to explain what happened to his mom, that he was asleep in the car and we didn’t sleep in the same bed/room.

He told her how it was his idea for me to stay the night and that he wouldn’t let me drive home. She called me today and we set some ground rules. She would text us before coming downstairs and knock on the door instead of letting herself in.

She said she understood why he wanted me to stay the night and agreed it was the safer option. She said her son is an idiot for sleeping in the back seat of my car instead of just sleeping on the couch. Drunk people 🤦🏻‍♀️ We agreed that if I do need to stay the night in the future it was ok as long as he slept on the couch in the “living room” area upstairs.

I also spoke with my boyfriend and said he needs to grow a pair and stand up for me if we are going to make this relationship work. I shouldn’t be the one being yelled at by his mother and I don’t appreciate feeling thrown under the bus. We will see if we can move past this but a lot of the comments were very eye opening to how childish all three of us have been especially in the last month.

Thank you for your feedback. Oh and the she just doesn’t like me comments, before this her and I would go shopping together, to the movies, she’d invite me on errand trips with her. Some days I saw her more than him. We usually get along great.

(And we weren’t hooking up in the shower, we were literally just cleaning ourselves. There were no rules in place before about intimacy, I had spent the night many times in the past and she knew I was there.)

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Least_ad_4657 wrote

I'm sorry, you stayed with an adult man who allowed his mother to pull you out of the shower and throw you out of his house? He let this happen...and you still went on more dates with him? You realize he is never going to be on your side, right?

He is a grown adult man who allows his mother to control him and his adult girlfriend, and whether y'all can sleep together or not. How is this not humiliating for him? How are you still turned on by this guy?

I_wet_my_plants wrote:

Honestly, he’s too old to have a situation like this and there’s a reason girls his own age won’t date him. Run girl.

ExampleNo7372 wrote:

Have a serious conversation with him about his mom is lacking boundaries. This woman sounds like a lot to deal with. There is so much to unpack here but you should just throw the whole suitcase away.

If he isn't willing to cut the cord with his mom and tell her she's being inappropriate and is into his business too much, because he is a grown man, then it may not be worth dating him. I've had to deal with a partner's overbearing mom before and they just never seem to understand when they are being creepy or crossing a line. It can be very draining.