'AITA for staying with my niece after the closest thing she has to a mother passed?'

"AITA for staying with my niece after the closest thing she has to a mother passed?"

I have a niece (21), Penelope. I call her my niece but I genuinely don’t know if or how we’re related. Penelope lived with her grandparents from when she was 2 months old until she was 18.

Once she graduated from high school, they sold their house, moved into assisted living, and bought her a nice 3 bed/2 bath house near me (around an hour away). They make sure she’s doing okay financially and I was asked to check in on her and make sure she’s doing ok on her own.

Until recently, that just meant stopping by with dinner once a week and helping her manage living alone. Her grandma was sick for 2 months, had 2 surgeries, spent a month in the hospital, and was being fed through a tube. Over the weekend, Penelope was staying in the hospital with her grandma to give her uncles a break.

Her grandpa left at 9 and grandma was doing fine. By around 11 she was struggling to breathe, so the nurses propped her up to help her swallow her saliva, suctioned her throat, and gave her nausea medication because nausea could impact her ability to swallow. Later, she asked Penelope to lower the bed so she could lay down and go to sleep.

Shortly after that she couldn’t breathe and she was in a lot of pain so they sat her up again, suctioned the throat, and gave her pain meds. An hour later she was still in severe pain so they gave her more pain meds. Less than 45 minutes later she stopped breathing and they chose not to resuscitate her.

Penelope is a wreck. She blames herself for making the situation worse by laying her grandma down, plus, this is the closest thing she had to a mother and they were incredibly close. Penelope would drive down to visit her at least twice a week and they’d talk on the phone and gossip about the aunties and the people in her facility/Penelopes school and work on a near daily basis.

After her grandma passed, she didn’t sleep for nearly 3 days. The only thing she could eat were glucose gels if her blood sugar was low (she’s type 1 diabetic) and even then I had to spoon feed it to her. She couldn’t get off the couch to take care of her dog.

I chose to stay with her until she improves enough that she can stay home alone. We’re already making some improvement. She’ll sleep through the night if I’m in the bed with her and we’re eating a couple small meals a day. I found her a therapist so she’s going to start on Tuesday and will be going twice a week.

The problem is that my fiancé is upset that I’m never home except to get more clothes. He wants me to stop coddling Penelope because she’s an adult and needs to know how to function on her own. Now I’m wondering if I’m TA for leaving my fiancé to stay with Penelope.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

itsnotsundayanymore wrote:

I think NTA because you’re helping someone in need, that’s very selfless of you and your fiancé sounds like a baby. He is also an adult and can spend some alone time while you’re helping another adult in need. Full grown adults need help too.

I am just insanely curious about the first sentence though. you’re not sure if or how you’re related? is she just someone who’s always been in your family? Like a family friend? This info has nothing to do with my vote, I’m just curious. you could be helping a complete stranger and I’d still say NTA.

Dang I’m gonna eta: you haven't married this guy yet, please look at how he views crisis before marrying him. He seems not too compassionate. It’s important to watch how people carry themselves during crisis, and how they choose to walk through life while you are dealing with a crisis. this is important if you plan to spend the rest of your life with this person.

OP responded:

I’m from one of those cultures where everyone is an auntie, uncle, or cousin. I’ve met her a few times before she moved out here and she calls me auntie but I have no clue if or how we’re biologically related.

LindseyDanger007 wrote:

More Info: would this man act the same if you were to go care for your future child-in-need? if so, time to leave him before you have kids. You're not there to be his Emotional Support Dog - he should be able to function alone while you selflessly help out a dear friend/relative. If he's lonely, he could come SEE YOU.

Why is it your job to provide for him while also providing for a grieving loved one? Hard to know his tone/meaning from your post. If its lonely, then he sucks at being supportive. If its controlling or resentful, you can do better.

One_Resolution_8357 wrote:

NTA. I am sad that your fiancé is unable to see beyond his own needs. No compassion for you helping a person who is in dire need of care: battling a chronic deadly disease (diabetes type 1 must be managed closely), traumatized by the illness and last hours of a beloved grandma, and grieving.

No compassion for the young woman who is temporarily in no state to care for herself and that he wants you to abandon. Not 'how can I help you ?' Just 'me, me, me'. Frankly, it does not bode well for your future with him.

The_Plumage wrote:

NTA. Penelope is grieving. While everyone processes grief differently, it's not uncommon for someone grieving to need extra care and attention, even adults much older than Penelope.

If Penelope had a debilitating physical injury or serious illness, would he still say that she's an adult and needs to learn function on her own, and that anyone who helps her is coddling her? This grief is debilitating her and she needs your help right now. She will function on her own eventually. Keep it up.

FumiPlays wrote:

You're aware fiance will have just the same attitude when *you* need help? He won't "coddle" you, you're an adult.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY. NTA for helping the niece.

Every-End7495 wrote:

NTA, you're helping your niece while she is grieving. Your fiancé should be more compassionate. Wow, you're definitely NTA.