'WIBTA If I waited to break up with my BF until I can find a new place to live?' UPDATED
"WIBTA If I waited to break up with my BF until I can find a new place to live?"
Mobile-Law-9245
Tiny Update: I brought empty bags with me and I’ll load my car up Monday on lunch. He has no clue. I asked him to clarify if when he said he thinks about her then me and chooses me. He said he isn’t thinking about going to go get her back or staying with me but wouldn’t tell what he IS thinking about then.
My suspicion is he’s reminiscing about how great their relationship was and comparing it to us fighting all the time which he blames on me. We fight because I ask for more than he’s giving me and he tells me it’s his personality to push back on anything he’s told he has to do.
He’s said if he had sweet loving me and no fighting all the time I’d eventually get everything I asked for and more. I am testing that theory this weekend but I think he means it would take months. He’s numerous times responded to “You don’t even love me.” With “You don’t know how I feel.” And he’s said that everyone he’s said that to leaves.
This is a lot so I’m going to try to make it make sense. My 46M boyfriend and I 41F just celebrated one year together. It has been what I can only call a roller coaster relationship.
His ex wife has been a problem from the beginning even though they divorced in 2016 and have no children. Early in our relationship he left his IPad open to his messages and he talked rudely about me to her and downplayed our relationship, referring to me as “a friend of mine” to her.
I quickly realized he’s been talking to her regularly and inappropriately through every relationship he’s had since her. I told him flat out this was a dealbreaker for me. They have no reason to communicate.
She cheated on him with her coworker, lied about it, divorced him, then went on to be with her affair partner which (surprise, surprise) didn’t work out. This is backstory because what he said to me two days ago made me realize I just wasted a year of my life on a man who will never love me and for whom I’m merely a consolation prize.
He looked me dead in the face and told me every single day he looks in the mirror and thinks about being with his ex then thinks about being with me and always chooses me. He actually thought I should take that statement as something positive.
He won’t take her off Facebook and he regularly goes to her page and keeps up with her. He has never made a post about or including me in the entire year we’ve dated, even going so far as to post where he was and completely leave out that I was there with him.
I make posts and tag him. It took me 9 months to get him to put that we were in a relationship on there. He says he doesn’t do these things because he did them for her and it blew up in his face.
He told me late last year when he was mad and drunk that everyone has been telling him that she’s unhappy in her relationship and that if he wanted to he could go and get her back but he chooses not to because he’s with me. He will not say “I love you” to me. He will say he cares about me or at rare moments that he adores me.
I can’t choose to live every single day thinking about the fact that the man I’m in love with thinks about being with his ex wife every single day. I forgot to mention they “tried again” for all of three or four weeks in 2019 and that’s when she yet again chose another man over him that she is still with. He’s older and he has money.
Here’s the conundrum. I recently got a new job that is a six minute walk from his apartment. I don’t live with him but I live a much larger drive away than I did from my last job.
In general it’s surprising if he wants to see me or have me stay over during the week. He even has me go all the way home Friday just for me to drive back Saturday morning. He says he needs his down time/alone time. Fine.
The fact that he lives in a one room apartment downtown that has an open floor plan meaning there’s a hallway, to the right is an opening into the bedroom/ closet/ bathroom, no door. Further up the hallway is the living/dining/ kitchen.
It’s too small to coexist when one person in the equation is an introvert. This building has two bedroom apartments and I’ve mentioned a few times that once my trial period at work is over and I get a significant pay increase that we should look into that.
He’s looked at them with me online but I know he’s nowhere close to moving in together due to the fact that after a year he still prefers not to see me five out of seven days a week. If we lived together he’d see me every day obviously. I personally think it would be fine as we could easily each have our own space and choose to spend time after work separately to decompress.
I have a parking subscription in his garage which my work now pays for since the garage next to my office is full and it makes it easy to park and walk the few minutes to work.
I get an hour lunch every day and since I have a key to his apartment, I always just walk there and he buzzes me in the building through his phone and I have an hour of peace and quiet every day, don’t have to spend money on eating out or resort to eating at my desk.
I’m thinking about pretending everything is fine until I can find a room to rent somewhere closer to my job than where I am now, I get the worst of the traffic and it eats up almost two hours of my day every day.
When I realized he actually every single day weighs his options between me and his ex, it felt like an arrow to the heart. My heart broke in that moment and now I just feel numb.
If he’s still that obsessed over another woman, one that threw him away like garbage even though he treated her like gold, wtf is he even with me for? Some really messed up things that have happened that factor into this decision:
Last October I caught him talking to one of his ex girlfriends like he was single, saying cute crap like “It’s a little unfair hearing from you several days in a row.” When she asks why, he said “I forgot what a good mood it put me in to talk to you and think about you.” He also told her he was going to make plans to go visit her this year even though she is with someone and he was with me.
Gotten blackout drunk upwards of 20 times and picking a fight then screaming at me, belittling me, criticizing me, refusing to stop. Told me he’s only stayed with me a few times because he was afraid I’d be broke. (I had some rough luck with my last two jobs but in both cases I immediately found new ones)
He makes and will always make significantly more than me. There are a lot of things he’s wanted to do and wanted me with him knowing the most I’d be able to contribute was providing my own outfit (tons of these events required really specific clothing, color themed, levels of dress expected, the last one I had to buy a formal gown to). So, WIBTH if I just stayed until I can find a place near my work?
Edited to add because this is constantly coming up: He’s not sleeping with his ex wife. I have complete access to his house, I have a key, I’ve been there randomly and sporadically during the week, even more so since I started a job so close.
I have my own section of the closet, I have a dresser, there are framed photos of us that he put up, my stuff is in the shower. He gave me the password to his phone. He’s not communicating with her. (Yes I check deleted messages too.)
I’m not being naive about this, it would be obvious and she doesn’t want him. She’s made that clear. If anyone wants another edit giving more details I left out with the first post because it was already so long just give me a heads up and I’ll explain some other things.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
QueenOfCorvids
Do whatever you have to do to get the hell away from this man as fast as you can. NTA.
Mobile-Law-9245 OP responded:
I think that’s for the best so I am looking for apartments already and just putting on a good face because how can I ever be ok again after knowing at any given moment whether he’s with me or not he might be thinking about his ex.
morganalefaye125
He doesn't tell you he loves you, he doesn't want to even consider moving in together, and he's been in touch with ex's pretty consistently (not to mention getting angry and berating you, as well as the dozen other things). He's not "with" you. He's single, and keeping you around enough to use you for what he needs you for.
lovebeinganasshole
This is sad, but as I read this I wondered if he would even give a single care if you just suddenly stopped contacting him?
Mobile-Law-9245 OP responded:
Every time I try to leave he begs me to stay. He would definitely care. Just doesn’t care enough to stop doing and saying shit that hurts me.
Blonde2468
Then he doesn't care ENOUGH. OP this is not the relationship for you - he treats you like crap and even compares you EVERY SINGLE DAY to his ex of almost TEN YEARS AGO!!! Come on now, you know better than this!!
Three days later, the OP returned with an update:
Mobile-Law-9245
It’s Sunday. I’ve been at his house since around 11 yesterday. Yesterday was pretty smooth until he got drunk again and said a few mean things that he swore was him “picking on me”.
I was doing a pretty good job of pretending. This morning I’m leaving subtle clues that I won’t be here much longer. I took almost all my shower stuff out and put it in my bag, leaving the bare minimum for when I get ready for work tomorrow. He’s in the shower now let’s see if he notices.
He doesn’t remember last night. Doesn’t remember eating. He said he was starving, so I cooked him popcorn shrimp and brought him bean dip and chips while he was waiting.
He has no memory of eating. He has no memory of going to bed. He has no memory of being an a$$. I told him yesterday flat out while we were out and about that he’s an alcoholic and it’s a problem.
I told him this morning, you got sloppy and mean again. I said well you know what I said would happen if that happened again. “I don’t remember”. BS. He knows good and well I told him that either that crap stopped, or I was gone.
I’m still on the fence about taking all my stuff tomorrow because, unfortunately, I have boxes that belong to him in my car and I don’t know how I will get away with getting him to buzz me in the building multiple times so I can bring those in and take my stuff out without him figuring out what I’m doing.
Also, one tiny petty part of me kind of wants to pretend for a while and be all sweetness and light so he gets happier and happier and thinks he’s won. So, when I pull the carpet out, it actually stings.
I don’t think that’s unfair considering he misrepresented himself from the beginning and has been basically lying all this time about being ready for a relationship when his ex still takes up so much space in his head. I didn’t deserve that and neither did any of the other women he’s dated since her.
Sorry this isn’t a definitive update, but I’m on the fence. I’m prepared to leave tomorrow if I need to and if it’s too complicated due to having to pick my cat up after work from his place and an unexpected errand I’ll have to run to on lunch. I can always take everything Tuesday at lunch.
It’s his longest day at work, so I think I’ll get by without him getting home and realizing I’m gone before I get out of work, avoiding a conflict and him trying to talk me out of it. Any ideas for exactly what I should tell him when I leave? He will obviously call the minute he realizes I’m gone. I can’t block him due to the parking subscription.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
CavyLover123
Leave Tuesday over lunch and don’t tell him until you are gone.
Tenzipper
You're worried about a few boxes in your car that belong to him? Leave them in the parking space when you leave. You realize you won't be parking there anymore, right? Find another place to park, away from douchenozzle.
Take a few hours off work, tell them you have a personal emergency to deal with, and won't be in tomorrow afternoon, or whatever. Get your stuff out. Get your cat out. Get out.
Dont-Blame-Me333
Do it while he's away & just leave a brief note like: "I'm outta here - bye". Dont answer his calls, leave any messages unread but don't delete (potential proof of ill intent if needed later). Go find a real life.
ParticularMeringue74
Make up the most ridiculous reason that you're leaving (toothpaste cap left off, toilet seat always up, dirty socks on the floor). It's even better if the reason is untrue. Then block him. You deserve a little petty revenge after everything this man put you through.
Vonkaide
You're making excuses because you want him to fight for you. You're scared of leaving and hope something pulls you back into your comfortable place even though it hurts you. You're worrying about some boxes? Okay love, that's crap and you know it.
Just get out of his life and I promise you you'll be better off. It'll suck at first but you gotta let go of this guy. He's literally just a guy, an alcoholic guy at that. I get that you want him to care and you want to leave him feeling just as miserable as you've been but that isn't how it always goes.
I get it, he's done you wrong but you have to go while you have the freedom to do so. Safety above all. His addiction will take him out, you don't need to execute revenge yourself.