'AITA if I step down from being Maid of Honor in cousin's wedding?' 'I didn't think she would LIE to me.'
"AITA if I step down from being Maid of Honor in cousin's wedding?"
My cousin is getting married next year and asked me to be MOH. Initially I was so excited because I thought we were super close and have been so supportive and excited for her engagement and her relationship. I’ve celebrated her with gifts and flowers after the engagement, have told her I’m here for whatever she needs me for, offered ideas for Bach party, etc.
Well it has kind of gone downhill and I want to step down from being MOH to preserve our relationship and avoid the stress/anxiety. I just want her to have everything she wants and for this to be the best time of her life. At the same time, I just now feel like I’ve been included out of obligation, and yet also excluded at the same time.
It’s a lot so I’m going to shorten it all down to bullet points. (We live in the same city. 5 minutes away from each other.) She had a bridal brunch where she asked all of her bridesmaids to be bridesmaids but didn’t invite me or even mention it. Hasn’t introduced me to her other bridesmaids.
I made a shared note with bachelorette party ideas and things and she replied with “thanks for the ideas, I will ask my friends!” Well the most recent thing that really took me back. I get a text yesterday for a bridesmaids group chat. She set up a day for the bridesmaids to get their bridesmaids dresses (she wants them all from the same store/designer/color/fabric).
My cousin says her and the bridesmaids went to pick out their dresses and they decided on the color and fabric, etc. Didn’t invite or even tell me until she sent a group chat saying they went and that everyone needs to send a pic in the group chat of the dress they picked, so 4 or 5 of the girls sent their picks. I’m the MOH and didn’t even get invited to this….
She then created a shared album of “Bridesmaid Dresses” with over 50 photos of the girls all having fun trying on different dresses and stuff at this appointment where she brought her wedding dress (so clearly it wasn’t spontaneous like she said, also there were pictures of the groom's sister there too and she’s not in her friend group so that would have taken coordination).
At this point I just feel like I’m not wanted since I feel like I am being excluded. I texted her and said that I was disappointed I wasn’t there to try on bridesmaid dresses and I would have loved to be there to celebrate and meet everyone and just get to experience that together.
She said that her friend just “set it up for funzies and they didn’t plan on making it the official bridesmaid shopping day." This place requires an appointment so it had to be booked in advance…and the groom's sister was there too, so it wasn’t just her friend group.
She lied about a few things in her explanation that I caught so now I just see her differently. I didn’t think she would lie to me or exclude me…but here we are and it sucks. To be honest, I feel like now it will be hard to give a speech as MOH if she doesn’t even want me around and I feel really awkward and like I don’t know what my role even is…
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SlinkyMalinky20 said:
Pay attention to what she does, not what she says. Please drop out for your own sake. Being in a wedding is expensive and time consuming. Going to all the trouble just to be treated poorly in the worst mean girl way silly.
benchmark14 said:
NTA. Politely resign, hold your head high and save yourself the time, expense and unnecessary drama!
GothPenguin said:
NTA. I am sorry but from what you have written here, I have to wonder if she was pressured into having you as her maid of honor? It just seems from her behavior, and I I know you already know this, she is not treating you as if she wants you to be her maid of honor.
The whole girls looking for bridesmaids dresses really doesn't scream spontaneity to me. As you have pointed out, an appointment was needed so it sounds like a planned event.
You really do need to talk to her. Hopefully, she will be honest with you. Be prepared that she might try to gaslight you. If you do try to talk to her, try to be factual and try to leave feelings out of it as much as possible. You don't want her to defensive.
Deep-Okra1461 said:
NTA. A possibility is that as MOH you will expected to spend some money. She might think that you are the only one who can or will spend the amount she wants her MOH to spend. That might be why she made you MOH and that might also explain why you aren't being included in other things. Your "role" might be as ATM. I would drop out of the wedding party.
CafeConCajeta said:
NTA. It's super weird when people ask someone to be in their wedding party and then keep them at arm's length, but it does happen (and it sucks). Totally get why you wouldn't want to be somewhere you didn't feel entirely welcome.
PlatinumGothRay said:
NTA. I agree it sounds like she is intentionally not including you, so I don't understand why you are MOH? Was their pressure from you're family for her to make you the MOH? Are you significantly older than the rest of the bridal party?