Stepdad shocked when pregnant stepdaughter makes 'disturbing' confession.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is upset by his stepdaughter's confession, he asks the internet:
"My Stepdaughter (24f) just confessed something insane to me (45m) and I have no idea what to do now. AITA?"
Let me start with the backstory. I met my wife 14 years ago while she was going through a messy divorce. 6 months after that her divorce was final and I met her son (now27) and daughter.
I have no kids of my own, and never thought I liked kids in general, but her kids became the exception and I do not think I could care more about them if they were my own.
They have different fathers, and both of them were physically and emotionally abusive to the children and my wife. None of us have had any contact with either of their fathers for almost 10 years.
My SS is married to a great girl with 2 kids of their own and I am incredibly proud of him, and we talk often. My SD, I'm very proud of her as well, but she has had a few more problems arise, she is still my favorite girl, and I would move heaven and hell for her.
But she tends to choose men more like her father (cowardly, weak man-child). I was always there for her, and we could talk about anything, and other than her choice in men, our personalities were very similar.
So 4 months ago, after breaking up with the latest Asshat, she moved back in with us, a month after that we found out she was pregnant. She is now 5 months pregnant. I work from home and my wife does not, this means my SD spends a lot of time with me and I also drive her to dr appointments and maternity clothes shopping.
Which is what we were doing today. I drove her to buybuybaby, we did some baby and new mother shopping, on the way home she talked to me about the crappy texts Asshat had sent her over the weekend.
saying how she would be a horrible mother, and how his baby would be better off if she did herself in etc etc (and yes, I've decided he and I need to have a conversation, much like the conversation I had with my SD's father 10 years ago). When we got home, we sat in the driveway as I comforted her, gave her lots of positive affirmation, and told her how useless asshat was.
Next thing I know she tells me that she wishes the baby was mine and hers and she kisses me on the lips. WTF!!! I pulled away and mumbled something about not ruining a good thing, How I love her mom. I made a bad joke about being with a pretty woman in her 20's would probably kill me.
For the next 2 hours I was basically on autopilot, put stuff away, made dinner for the 3 of us after my wife got home.
I have been in my den for the last 4 hours claiming I was working, but I have no friggin clue what to do. What should I tell my wife? what should I say to my SD? should I say anything to either of them? should I just finish off this bottle of captain Morgan and pass out?
Look this isn't something I can go to a friend or relative about, so I'm coming here. I need some thoughts here people.
TLDR pregnant SD that I have known since she was 11 made a pass at me and wishes I was her babies daddy. I rejected her but now what do I do. I'm hiding out in my den, wondering what to say to my wife and SD. Help please, I will be passing out soon But I will read any ideas you all may have.
Before OP's updates, let's read some top comments:
crg67 writes:
NTA! This is a very bad situation and not to be blamed on pregnancy hormones. I’ve been pregnant, it didn’t cause me to kiss my dad and say I wanted it to be his. You raised her from a child, age 10. She is also with you all day. She needs to get a job and move out. She can’t stay there.
She crossed boundaries and broke trust. There are consequences for behavior and being pregnant is not an exemption for her taking responsibility for her actions. She is about to be raising a child, she better learn about natural consequences now bc she will have another life to think about and her foolishness is concerning.
frear5 writes:
NTA!! Professionals of psychological disciplines call this “transference.” You’re the one man she’s ever had in her life who loves and cares about her in a positive way. To her, that treatment seems unique to you; as in, she hasn’t processed that she can be treated that well by someone else.
She’s also confusing her own love for you with sexual/romantic love, which makes me wonder if her biological father or previous stepfather(s) abused her.
My advice is to get her into therapy. Get yourself some therapy too, because while you did reject her advances (good) the way you did it validated the possibility of a sexual relationship between you two under different circumstances (not so good.) You need to have her centered in your head as your daughter (step or otherwise), not as a sexually available woman.
I am in no way accusing you of fantasizing about her or thinking about her that way prior to this; All I’m saying is that your knee-jerk response was more in line with a random woman her age and less in line with a parental relationship.
But reassure her that you will always be here for her and your grandkid; because one thing that pregnancy hormones do is trigger the “good dad” spidey senses, and she’s probably anxious about raising her kid in a world full of men who use and abuse her.
cremalaeama writes:
NTA. Wow, the advice here really runs the gamut. So here is my 2 cents. Tell your wife asap. If you think it would help show her this thread. Get your daughter some therapy.
This girl is pregnant with a child she probably doesn't want, with a guy that is abusive much like her father was according to you (see a pattern here?) and you have been the one healthy male presence in her life.
Add in the pregnancy hormones and the fact that you are spending time with her lately and I can easily understand how she can become confused about her feelings.
Make it clear to her that you love her AS A DAUGHTER, that you will not leave her like the other asshats and that you will be there for her but as a father.
She will likely feel ashamed of what she did so reassure her that she is just confused and suggest some therapy for her so that she can eventually find a healthy and fulfilling relationship which is what you want for her. Hope this helps. Good luck.
finta65 writes:
NTA! Oh look, another thread of people worried the most about hypothetical consequences of hypothetical false allegations that there is no hint of happening in the post. Why is this becoming endemic on here?
Do you people really think so little of others that any person the OP cares about would sink to this? What does this say about yourself and your own relationships that you jump to this?
OP, tell your wife. This is your daughter. All of you need to sit down and talk about boundaries and the nature of your relationship. Hopefully your SD will apologize and realize the many reasons this was a horrible action.
She's probably also really scared of being a single mom and thinking over all of the choices she made/things that happened that got her here.
I think you should talk to her about these feelings and as her parents, figure out with her a way to ease the negative feelings and have a plan for how to address her fears and stop this cycle of choosing men that ultimately hurt her. It sounds like she would benefit from therapy.
feakr writes:
NTA! Sit with your wife and remind yourself you did nothing wrong and your step daughter needs real help. “We have a problem” is a good place to start. Cut to the chase and say what happened exactly. ‘XYZ was upset and we were talking. I gave her a hug and she did an inappropriate thing and kissed me.
I stopped her immediately. She also stated she wished it was my baby. I understand she’s in a really hard place and this was a foolish attempt to try and create what we have. I’m not angry. I’m concerned and obviously over my head and need your help here. ‘.
Then give her a minute to sort her head out. It’s a lot to take in and very disturbing on many levels. Screaming, crying, shouting isn’t going to help anyone. This is only about a young woman who is struggling mightily and needs more help than you can provide. You need professional help here to get through this.
OP responds with an update:
Thank you... this makes sense to me. she was in therapy as a preteen because of her father, so I know she is not averse to it.
We are a family that has been abused in one form or another in our youths, one of the reasons I was hypersensitive to it when I met my wife and her kids (used to think about law and order and how the abused always become abusers... I hate that show, caused me years of paranoia and way to much introspection.)
Yes, this is some of what I have been thinking. Maybe I have been to close to her, doing things the father of the baby should be doing... Is this my fault? Should I have been stricter, or more reserved?
I remember her as a teenager telling me how lucky her mom was to meet the only good man around, and how she hoped one day to meet someone just like me. Should i have shut that kind of talk down? It made me feel good that I was considered by those I love as a good man.
I wasn't a good young man, and so when her mom opened her family to me, I felt blessed. But I have read the horror stories about stepparents being evil as well as false allegations' and so I am... terrified that everything will end, my own karma from my past will take away that which I cherish. I know I have to talk to my wife, and SD, I know it won't just go away. But I fear losing what I have.
Update 2:
It has been a couple days since my post, and this is what has gone down. I received a lot off good advise and my initial reaction (rug sweep, and hope), I saw was not the right way to go. That was based on fear and once I recognized my cowardice, I was able to see what was the right thing to do.
To me, the question was, do I talk first with my SD or my wife. A lot of people said go directly to my wife before my SD could change the story, and i understand the reasoning.
But once I started thinking and not just feeling and reacting, I couldn't do that. My SD deserved to be heard, I have loved her like a daughter for almost 15 years, and she has always been a young woman deserving of my respect (except for her choices of BF’s).
At first she blamed hormones, but I just raised my eyebrows like really your going there, but after a minute she finally told the truth (I think).
She told me she had been in love with me since she was a teenager, and it was the reason she left home after graduating HS. She thought she had gotten over me but everytime she came home to visit (she moved a few states away) She would realize how terrible her bf’s were and how she still loved me.
Around 6 months ago she came to visit us for a week and brought the future baby daddy with her. (I hated him, he was obviously doing hard drugs, and was making a career from gaming… and by career i mean sponging off others at the age of 30 while popping pills and snorting h).
She left here and dumped him about a month after that. At this point in her narrative, I was understanding her problem, unrequited love, forbidden desires, etc etc and I do think she embellished some of the problems. I told her that it didn't mean she should go for it with me .
When she came back she saw that my wife and i had started sleeping in separate rooms. (I'm a restless sleeper and wake when a pin drops and she snores really loud). When we found out about the baby we planned to use the room I was using as a nursery, and I would move back into the bedroom.
She thought that her chance to be with me was ending and decided that day to make her move. And in her effed up thinking she thought I would move into her room instead of my wife's and we would just all of us live together.
She knew the second I pulled away from her that she was wrong and that she effed up. She told me how sorry she was and… let's just say she convinced me she felt bad. I told her I was going to talk to her mother, but she needed to know this could never happen again, what she wanted would destroy everyone I care about, and that included her, and I will not let that happen.
When my wife came home, I let her know we needed to talk together with me telling her what happened.
She knew something was up since she didn't see either of us that night, but she figured my SD and I had an argument or we just needed some space. (not uncommon for either of us).
For a minute she just staired at me and then said she would have expected this 10 years ago, but thought daughter had grown the eff up by this time. I was... flabbergasted.
what are you talking about I asked and she had told me that SD had a crush on me back then, I told her that was crazy, she claimed it was obvious, and i have always been oblivious to how woman flirt with me.
(She is nuts; people are just nice around me) She told me we should have a talk with daughter together but first she wants to talk alone with her.
About an hour later my wife asked me to join them. and I did and the following is what was decided. My daughter will be going to therapy, I am still allowed in the birthing room, , SD is fully clothed in common areas of the house ie. no more skimpy shorts, or just a bra for a top, no pointing out to me how her breasts are getting bigger... (BTW I didnt know that was a flirting thing,
I just thought she was sharing pregnancy information, my wife could be right about me being oblivious.) and my wife trusts me to inform her if SD gets out of line. If SD effs up again, she will be staying with her brother, and we will be telling him why.
So thats it... thank you to so many that gave good advice.