'AITA for being rude to my stepdaughter by banning her from eating with the family?'
"AITA for being rude to my stepdaughter by banning her from eating with the family"
aitaloudsinging
I have 2 stepdaughters, Scarlett (18), and Ava (16). Scarlett is an amazing singer. She's been in some kind of voice lessons since she was 10 and just graduated from one of the best performing arts schools in the state, where she went on a full scholarship since 6th grade.
She has a YouTube channel where she sings that she's starting to make money from and was accepted into some very prestigious music schools. Additionally, she has been working paid gigs for the last 2 years and makes at least $500-1000 per week, more in the summers. She's even been the opening artist at a few concerts. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just saying she's an objectively good singer.
Ava, on the other hand, is not a good singer. She likes to believe she is and she might become one if she actually stuck with voice lessons or choir classes but she always quits after 1-2 weeks because they're "bullying her" (giving constructive feedback, I've seen the notes her classmates and teachers have given her).
Ava also likes to sing very loudly and/or at bad times. For example, if she feels that we're too quiet at the dinner table she starts to loudly sing. It doesn't sound good and I honestly don't know how she doesn't hear it.
If you ask her to stop she keeps going and if you're blunt and say stop, that doesn't sound good/we don't want to hear it she keeps going and gets even louder just to annoy you.
If we're in the car and we don't let her choose the songs she'll loudly sing whatever she wants, not what's playing, to annoy us and responds the same way to us telling her to stop. The only person she listens to is her dad.
A few weeks ago we were trying to eat and she was singing again. I told her to stop and she refused so I took her plate and told her from now on she is no longer allowed to eat at my table.
She can eat in her room, the backyard, her car, the garage, wherever she wants as long as we can't hear her from the dining room and that this will continue until she can behave appropriately at the table.
My husband and I argued about it but he's not home for dinner so there isn't much he can do about it. Today she was eating lunch with us and started singing again. I told her to stop and she didn't listen so I again took her plate and told her to eat somewhere where we can't hear her if she doesn't want to act appropriately.
Ava argued that she's a better singer than Scarlett and that Scarlett sings all the time. I was done with her BS so I asked her how many times someone other than her dad has actually asked her to sing, not even paying her to be there, just ask her to sing? Or how many performing arts schools she's gotten accepted to? (She's applied to many.)
She started to cry and now my husband wants me to apologize for being rude to her and he is insisting I allow her to eat with the family again.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Specialist-Owl2660
Okay for almost the entirety of this story I was ready to say NTA until the very end. So her sister gets to sing at the dinner table? Just not her? I mean I think its weird to sing at the dinner table anyway, but if you have a double standard going on here then YTA.
Ava is YOUNGER then her sister, sometimes it takes some time to get better at something and acting rude to her and discouraging her because you clearly don't like her makes you an AH. Either ban singing at the dinner table completely or keep your mouth shut and invoke the thumper rule, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."
The OP responded here:
aitaloudsinging
Her sister does not sing at the dinner table. She does sing a lot but at more appropriate times.
Facetunethis
There is nothing wrong with enforcing table manners. But you know at which point you became a mean girl and just said something to make her feel bad. That's why you're here, your conscience brought you. YTA for attacking her on a personal level.
Scandalicing
She only attacked after she wrongly attacked her own sister tbf.
Facetunethis
You can't operate on a peer level with kids when you are an adult. Esp one of authority, no matter how minor. OP just had a moment, like we all do. But it is a moment to apologize for. She should stand her ground on the table manners though.
Bn0503
ESH - Ava just because she sounds annoying af and you because you're a parent and she's a child and you've (seemingly repeatedly) told her she's not good at something she's passionate about and not in a nice way. Encourage her to follow other pursuits.
Definitley continue to enforce that it's inappropriate to loudly sing when people want a quiet meal but brutally laying out that she's rubbish at the one thing she's passionate about and rubbing in her failure to succeed is pretty harsh when it's coming from a parental figure. Especially when it's followed up with 'and now go eat alone'.
The OP again responded here:
aitaloudsinging
We've tried to put her in lessons to improve but she refuses to go or quits after 1-2 weeks because she thinks they're bullying her by giving constructive feedback. She's tried soccer and she's actually good at it but refuses to try out for the school team and with her tendency to quit after a couple weeks because the teacher tried to teach, we're not going to pay for her to join a club team.
SoMuchMoreEagle
ESH It sounds like she is very envious of her sister and it's causing her to act out. She's being immature and annoying. But it sounds like you all are very quick to remind her that she sucks at singing.
It shouldn't be about how good she is or isn't. It should be about being disruptive and loud at the table, in the car, etc. There are times when singing is appropriate and other times when it isn't. If Scarlett were singing loudly at the dinner table, would she be asked to stop? If not, then you guys are extra horrible.
Melodic_Salamander55
It’s clear just from your post that you ring Scarlett’s praises and cannot stand Ava. If it’s that obvious in this post, I’m gonna guess your favoritism is seeping into ava’s reality as well. YTA and a bully. I’d be questioning my marriage if my partner treated my child like this.