'AITA for not letting my stepdaughter share a room with my daughter?'

"AITA for not letting my stepdaughter share a room with my daughter?"

I (f) have 2 children. Daughter 16 & Son 10. My husband has 3 children, Daughter 16, Daughter 14, and son 10. The boys share a room, two stepdauggters share a room, and my daughter has her own room. For context, this is my home. My daughter's room has been hers for when she was a little. The situation is, my stepdaughters fight a lot, like all the time and it's exhausting.

Their dad never really could do anything to fix it because he said he was never able to figure out what the problem was. But my older stepdaughter takes her sister's stuff and ruins it and never return it. Their dad and I would try to pay for the stolen stuff but that doesn't guarantee that they will not fight.

My daughter had her own share of having her stuff taken from her stepsister in the past. I fixed it by getting her a lock to which my husband did not agree because his younger daughter wanted a lock also but that wouldn't have worked since she shares the room with her sister.

After a series of big fights between stepdaughters, my husband said the only solution was to get them away from each other by having older stepdaughter move into my daughter's room. I said no for several reasons, one stepdaughter is basically a thief, she'll start stealing from my daughter.

And two, this is my daughter's room even if he argues that it isn't fair that his daughters are stuck in one room while my daughter gets a room for herself. He begged and said he felt like the fighting was never gonna end and that this was the only solution. I suggested that he should mix the boys with the girls but he said hell no. boys never share with girls. period.

I said I wasn't gonna allow what he suggested and we ended up fighting. He called me selfish and unsupportive because I said he needs to handle his own daughters. He said he'd go stay with a friend because he could no longer handle the fighting. He said he won't come back until I agree to let his older daughter move in with my daughter. I lashed out at him and said no way.

He asked if this was a hill I'm willing to die on. I said yes which escalated the problem. Now he's been away for 2 days and I'm left to watch my stepdaughters yell at each other. He's using this as a way to hopefully get me to cave in and say yes. But I can't imagine doing this to my daughter.

EDIT Someone asked about their mom and here's my answer: She left 2 years ago with her foreign husband to his home country. She talks to the girls via social media and video calls but does not play a major role in their life. doesn't seem to care as long as the girls are taken care of. She thinks this stuff (the fighting and stealing) is no big deal.

This is what people had to say to OP:

XxLuminairexX said:

No configuration of rooms will stop the thief from thieving. Gotta nip that issue in the bud. Where are the consequences for the thief rather than simply replacing the items she ruins? All she has learned is that she can take as she pleases.

Kiyaa_Baby said:

Wait, he's literally holding himself hostage at a friend's place until you agree? That's some next level manipulation right there, not parenting.

runiechica said:

Umm he left his kids? He needs to pick up his kids and take them with him. NTA.

C-Sik said:

Wow. He left and left you to take care of his daughters. Time to load them up and drop them off. NTA. You need to put your kids well being over theirs. He needs to put his kids before yours. Sometimes that is the only solution. He doesn't like it. Show him and the kids the door and wish them good luck.

Shadow11Wolf50 said:

Soft YTA for letting this go on this long. You did the right thing by giving your daughter a lock for her room, but there should have been consequences for stealing in the first place. Replacing the stuff the oldest stepdaughter stole and destroyed only showed her there wouldn't be any repercussions for her actions. This should have been stopped a long time ago.

Unfortunately for you, you didn't marry an adult man, you married a manchild whose solution is to just make his oldest's behavior literally anyone else's problem than his.

If you're serious about this being the hill to die on then you need to be calling him to pick up his kids before you call CPS and/or their mother (if she's even in the picture) about him abandoning his kids because he can't be bothered to parent a problem he's been enabling. Otherwise, you're enabling his poor behavior as well.

OP responded:

Hi I saw your comment and I agree, hundred percent. However.... Both stepdaughters would act out if I try to get involved and "play mom" as they say. I stopped trying after my husband said the girls didn't appreciate me "meddling in their life".