Stepfather gives questionable speech at stepdaughter's wedding after her 'real dad' gives her away. UPDATED 2X

When this stepdad has to deal with the emotional repercussions of his stepdaughter's hurtful decision, he asks Reddit:

"My step-daughter doesn't want me to give her away? I'm so sad. AITA?"

My step-daughter will be getting married on August 3rd. The wedding planning has consumed most of her and her mother's life (I say her mother because we aren't married, though we've lived together for 10 years) for the past six months.

My step-daughter graduated last December from University. I paid for her to go to college, though it was a state school, it still ran $40K.

She does not have a job and has been living with us for the duration of her college career and since her graduation. I also bought her a car to get back and forth from school when she finished high school.

From time to time her deadbeat father would pop into her life and she would fawn all over him. Although he has not contributed a cent to her education or paid any child support, though that is my girlfriend's fault as c.s. was not part of the settlement, she still loves him and wants him in her life.

He stays long enough to break her heart by skipping town and breaking some promise that he made her.

The wedding venue holds 250 people max. I gave them a list of 20 people that I wanted invited, you know, since I was paying for everything. They told me that was no problem and they'd take care of it.

So I let these people know they'd be getting an invite and they should save the date. Saturday, I saw one of my friends on this list at the golf course and asked if he was coming. He told me that he wasn't invited.

He told me that he got an announcement, but not an invitation. He had it in his back seat (along with probably six months of mail) and showed it to me. Sure enough, it was just an announcement, and my name was nowhere on it. It had her dad's name and her mom's name and not mine.

This led to a pretty big fight with my GF, as I found out that NONE of my list of twenty "made the cut" for the final guest list because "250 people is very tight." I was pissed, but not a hell of a lot I could do because the important people in my life had already been offended.

My GF said "if some people didn't rsvp yes, I might be able to get a couple people in." But that is an ultimate slap in the face in my opinion. So, I was boiling on Saturday.

Yesterday, we had a Sunday dinner with the future in-law's family and us and a surprise guest, the "Real Dad."

At this little dinner my step-daughter announced that her "Real Dad" was going to be able to make it to her wedding and that now he'd be able to give her away. This was greeted with a chorus of "Oh how great" and "How wonderful"s.

I don't think I have ever felt so angry and so disrespected. I was shaking. I took a few seconds to gather my composure, because I honestly wasn't sure if I would cry or start throwing punches or both.

Once I was sure I'd be able to speak I got up from my chair and said I'd like to make a toast. I can't remember exactly what I said but the gist of it was this:

"I'd like to make a toast." The sound of spoons against glasses ring in my years. "It has been my great pleasure to be a part of this family for the past ten years." Awe, how sweet.

"At this point in my life I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to bride and groom, because they have opened my eyes to something very important." Confident smiles exchanged.

"They have showed me that my position in this family is not what I once thought it was." And now a glimmer of confusion and shock begins to spread on the faces in the room.

"Though I once thought of myself as the patriarch or godfather of the family, commanding great respect and sought out for help in times of need, it seems instead that I hold the position of an ATM, good for a stream of money, but not much else.

As I have been replaced as host, both on the invitations and in the ceremony, I am resigning my financial duties as host to my successor, Real Dad. So cheers to the happy couple and the path they have chosen." I finished my drink. "You all can let yourselves out."

Is this selfish? I'm supposed to shell out 40 - 50 grand for a wedding that I can't invite anyone to? That I am not a part of? I'm so done with this crap. I'm done with my step-daughter, I'm done with my GF. I transferred the money out of our joint account last night.

(she has not had a job since she moved in with me) This morning I called all the vendors I had written checks to for deposits to refund my money. At present it looks like I'll lose around 1500, for the venue, but the other vendors have been great about refunding.

TLDR: You want your "REAL DAD" to be on the invitation, to give you away and to sit at the head table, fine, your "REAL DAD" can pay for everything too.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

janetdoets writes:

Ooooof. OOP sounds kind of insufferable, but that doesn't mean he's not right. To not even discuss these things with him when he's funding the whole thing is a major slap in the face.

Honestly, watching someone fawn over their deadbeat dad is so deeply infuriating, but some people will never ever listen to anything other than their inner child, still desperately seeking daddy's attention.

amifunnyyet writes:

To be honest, I don't think anyone here is coming up sounding great. Yeah, GF, Step daughter, and deadbeat suck, but in his set up, OOP only mentioned monetary contributions.

He never mentioned time spent with the step daughter, raising her or being there for her. It may be because the point of his post was that he felt like a wallet, but he never argued or claimed that he loved or cared about stepdaughter, just that he paid for things and should have rights because of that.

The whole relationship as presented seems very transactional on both ends to be honest. They're using him for his wallet, but he seems to think money is what should hold family together and not anything else.

pearlwedding writes:

Man, weddings are the best. There's just something about them that makes everyone swing from the extremes of "we all worked together and it's a beautiful memory" to "a huge brawl started and the cops were called".

And no doubt the deadbeat dad is gonna skip town again now that he's been thrown back into the fray. I'm almost hoping OOP gives an update on how the wedding goes.

everydaycries writes:

I wonder how close they actually were. There is zero emotional connection in this - just that he thought of himself as the greatly revered head of the family because he paid for everything.

And if they've been together 10 years, that puts the daughter at about 14 when they got together- it's a lot to assume he would replace her dad completely (even if he was a bit unreliable).

It's also a difficult age for a someone to come in and start parenting - he mentioned a settlement between the parents so it also sounds like they were married before?

I mean, they don't sound great either, doesnt sound like there was any affection at all. He deserved some basic respect of course, as in human to human respect (not authority figure respect).

shadowcat87 writes:

I’m somewhat torned because I fully agree he has been a cash cow with his GF. At the same time, all he talks about is his financial position in step-daughter’s life and how he felt disrespected.

At no point did I read anything about their personal bond or loving family. So from that perspective, I’m wondering if there were signs all along that they were incompatible as a family.

So I don’t feel bad for the guy, but he did the right thing living and getting his money back. I also don’t feel bad for the GF and step-daughter.

But also as someone who's had a stepdad since 9, it was always gonna be my Dad who got the wedding traditions.

leogarcia writes:

OOP sounds like a douche so I claim unreliable narrator on this one. I also don't get why he feels entitled to father-daughter dances or giving her away when it's always been clear she already has a dad (even if OOP doesn't like him).

Were they assholes for not inviting the people he wanted since he was paying? Sure. Should they be grateful for the financial contribution? Sure. I feel like OOP deserved more acknowledgement, but he still can't buy the role of father.

Everything he says is about money "paid her college" "was going to pay for her wedding" "her dead beat father didn't pay for her education" "dead beat father didn't pay C.S even though he legally didn't have to" "I hold thr position of an ATM"

"I'm going to make this moment about me in front of everyone instead of communicating with my girlfriend like an adult"

He's been with his gf for 10 years, but daughter was very likely in her mid-teenager years when he came into her life, it's pretty understandable she doesn't see him as her father and we don't know anything about her relationship with her bio dad growing up and even now.

OP seems to be the only one with negative feelings about the guy, even his ex-wife seems supportive of his relationship with her daughter.

Also the way OOP talks about money and claimed to be "the godfather/patriarchy" makes it seem plausible that bio dad being a "dead-beat" in his opinion could be related to the man not being as financially stable as he is.

And again, financial support is appreciated, but doesn't make him a better or "more real of a" dad to his daughter's girlfriend.

Lastly, unless he was allergic to everything at the wedding I don't see why the food was a problem as long as he had safe options, it's not his wedding, he should be accomodated but it doesn't have to revolve around him. And the way he had an issue with the playlist... lol

Let's take a look at OP's updates:

Update 1: The immediate aftermath was tantrum and people sitting there mumbling while not actually saying anything to me, but to each other. After much yelling with the GF about me being selfish, I spent the night in my home office and no one knocked on my door, not once.

Today's aftermath is kind of depressing for me. GF brought me Bride's wedding planner to show me how much work I was ruining. I thumbed through it, found a page in the music section for Father / Daughter dances.

All of the songs were catered to Real Dad's taste. So I thought they were just being disrespectful, but now I'm feeling like they never really gave a crap at all, especially since the menu included two ingredients I'm allergic to, that actually made me laugh.

Either way, I'm glad to be done, returned the planner and asked her when she and bride could move out.

Also, I never promised to pay for the wedding. I offered them the use of my home when they were sure it was going to be small, but other than that, all I've heard is how it's the Bride's family that should pay, so, let it be the bride's family then, aka, not me.

And now, OP's final update:

Final Update - June 9, 2013 Girlfriend and Bride are now moved out. They are moving in with the groom. It was very hard not to be petty with some of the "belongings" they took with them, but it's done and I switched out the locks and now it's time for a brew. I can't believe how popular this story got, but I feel good to be given support by so many.

If I find out what happens with the wedding, I will let you know, but I can't guarantee that I will put in the effort to find out. From what I've heard they are trying to "scale things back" and get his parents to help out.

GF burned bridges when I found out she tried to write herself a check on our joint account the day after the unpleasantness. By then I had already moved money, so I guess I'm a bigger ass than her, but I could feel it coming. That's all. Thanks.