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"I hate being a stepparent."
Before any one starts in on the whole “wEll U kNew WhAT u wERe GEtTiNg inTo” when u met him and he had kids….I realize that. I get it. I really do. HOWEVER…I didn’t fully understand how isolated, rejected, depressed and well quite frankly, bullied I would be when I decided to get married to a man that had kids.
For context and backstory, when I met my now current husband I was 34. I was a single parent to a very self sufficient bright teenage girl, I had a decent career after getting my masters degree, I had lost a lot of weight and for the first time in my life was mentally and physically where I wanted to be.
We dated for about 2 years before we got married and moved in together and had our daughter who is now 5. His kids at the time were 4 and 7. He worked a lot and seemed to have his kids quite a bit, and I knew that part getting into this relationship with him.
Fast forward 7 years later and I have spent more time raising his children than I have spent actually being with him alone and I’m fg over it. Their mother is a disgusting piece of s#@$ who has bounced from man to man to man to man, and puts her needs before theirs.
She has 6 children by 5 different men and has been in a multitude of relationships with different men since I’ve known them and it makes me sick to my stomach.
She drops her kids off at our house every single weekend and every single vacation, and never with clean fresh properly fitting clothes, no toiletries, nothing. She expects my husband to not only pay his child support but in addition to then buy them clothes every single time they’re at our house and pay for any extra-curriculars for them as well.
She tells her kids that even though I’m with them 90% of the time they don’t have to listen to me because I’m not their mother, I need to mind my business when it comes to their visitation, and I don’t get a say in any part of how often they come or if they have to listen to me when they do come.
My stepson who is now 15 seems to somewhat understand that his mom is an a^&, he doesn’t really bother me too much. He’s actually a pretty nice kid. My stepdaughter who just turned 12 is the one who is giving me a lot of issues.
She cries, whines, manipulates and is so rude and will often times take things I say to her and twist them around and tell her mom something different which will then start a barrage of colorful texts to my husband about me, who in turn says nothing. When I’ve tried to bring this up to my husband he acts like all I do is complain.
He doesn’t see the big deal because his kids know they’re supposed to listen to me when they’re at our house and he just doesn’t want any issues. I don’t see this getting any better as the years go on. There’s actually a lot more to the situation than this.
But the main point is I’m depressed. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life and I really regret trading in my mental and physical health for this marriage.
All the time I think about what a good place I was in before I met him and how I wish I could rewind time and walk the other way when I saw him so that I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t regret having our daughter together.
She’s a doll and I just love her so much and she’s the best thing to come out of this whole thing. But I’m drowning and want out and idk if it’s worth leaving or not.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
It seems like you also have a husband problem. Feels like he married you to take care of his kids.
He isn't being fair to you
I've read the post twice, and I'm still not finding an kid problem. It's 100% a husband problem. Why is OP responsible for 90% of child care for kids that have 2 parents???
Drop the rope, OP. This is your husband's problem. Not yours.
I never said there was a “kid problem” I just simply said I didn’t like being a stepparent anymore. If there was a kid problem then. The kid problem is that to an extent my stepdaughter knows what she’s doing when she manipulates the situation. Like I said before there’s still more to this than I care to share or have time or space to share.
Are they in any kind of therapy?
Rude_Acadia9336 OP:
Not to my knowledge. They have never said anything and I don’t think their mom would go that route on her own.
You know what I’d do? I’d take my children to a friend’s house or relatives and stay there while his daughter is there. It would only take a few weekends for him to figure it out. The daughter will never change until he sees her true self. It would be a real shame if she never straightens out, her adult life will be a hell on earth. If she continues to act like that as an adult, no will want to have anything to do with her.
Rude_Acadia9336 OP:
Do you mean remove my kids from the house while I stay home with just his daughter? Or for me to take my girls with me and leave so he has just her to deal with?
No, you and your children at one place. Your husband and either both of his kids or the son could come with you. I sounds like to me anyway, your husband needs a wake up call to his daughter’s behavior and to the extent of it.
His daughter may also need some counseling due to her mother’s manipulative nature.
Rude_Acadia9336 OP:
I definitely think his daughter could use counseling. I’ve noticed she has bad anxiety, and very worried all the time. There are other things I’ve noticed with her as well and I’ve tried to tell him to talk to her mom about getting her into counseling but he wont say anything and if I bring it up it gets shut down immediately because I’m just a stepmom. My opinion counts for nothing.
Time to take your daughters to visit your family on weekends and leave husband to deal with his kids.
Rude_Acadia9336 OP:
I’ve thought about that.
Sounds like it's high time HE parents his kids, and you take some mental health time. Do you have family and friends close enough that you could spend the next couple of months visiting them in turns?
Rude_Acadia9336 OP:
I do, and after reading all of these comments I think that’s going to be my next move.
Here's OP's update about the situation:
I think you are correct in that I tend to over give. I have quite a bit my whole life and not just in relationships and that seems to be one of my downfalls. I end up expending all my time and energy for others and never for myself and end up being depleted.
I have sifted through a lot of the comments looking for feasible advice that would work for me, and I do think taking a more hands off approach with them would be best. Someone mentioned a site called Nacho Kids and I looked it up and it’s actually quite informative.
I also think taking time away from the home either with my 2 bio kids or by myself is detrimental. Continuing therapy is important too and basically just trying to take care of myself in a way that’s going to fill me up instead of depleting me. I appreciate everyone’s posts. I have started therapy.
A few months ago, and it hasn’t been long enough for me to really see any change thus far but I’m not giving up. As for family therapy which is what I think would be best for all of us, isn’t going to happen because biomom won’t allow it and my husband won’t go.
I have struggled in the past with anxiety and depression but always had help for it and it was manageable. I was doing well.
After having my last child I developed PPD and it was absolutely terrible. I didn’t get back into treatment for that until she was about 2 which was also at the height of the pandemic. Then throw in the s^%$ with my step kids or rather their parents. It’s just been too much.
I think I was a fairly decent parent to my oldest and raised her as well as I could for 16 years by myself before getting married. She has turned out remarkable. Being a stepparent is a completely different ballgame. You are correct in that I don’t have the tools for this.
I wasn’t given a play book on how to parent to someone else’s children who resent me for no reason other than marrying her ex husband. It’s not easy.
I would never tell anyone to f all the way off, ever. You’re entitled to your opinion. And you’re partially right about some of it. It just seemed as though it struck a chord with you.
It’s good to hear people’s perceptions and experiences from all sides of it. I think the big take away I get from this is seeing how deeply it affected you not having the parents that you needed them to be at that time in your life.
Believe me when I say that I am trying to do that. Part of me wants to fight and not give up so I can be some sense of stability for them. But I am also very tired. It’s extremely hard. I haven’t treated my own children better than his. I don’t know where you got that from.
I was a stepchild myself growing up so I understand how they feel to an extent. The exception is my mom wasn’t neglectful or abusive like theirs and my stepmom wasn’t tasked with cleaning up a mess that any other adult in the family made so I didn’t have these issues.
My stepmom was never forced to be my mom because my mom was present. There’s no resentment there. I made this post because I wanted to, if you don’t think I should take advice from people on the internet that’s fine but why bother to comment? Did my post strike a chord with you?
Trust me when I say this, I have truly truly tried to connect with my stepdaughter. From the time she was 4.5 almost 5 up until now I would do so much for her. We dated for about 1.5-2 year before we got married and during that time that little girl was like my best friend and I did everything I could to be a good role model to her.
After her dad and I got married the kids didn’t come for about 2 months and when they did there was something very different about the both of them. They wouldn’t speak to me and changed and from that point on it just kept progressively getting worse.
No amount of time one on one with her made a difference. It was like they resented me and eventually my stepson has stopped looking at it that way, but my stepdaughter has gotten worse and her mom has gotten worse as she has gotten older. Everyone keeps saying talk to my husband and I have.
He’s very avoidant/passive. Everyone keeps saying therapy but no one will go except me. I don’t want to damage those kids even more than what they are but I also am mentally drowning with this and don’t know what to do. Wait it out to see if it gets better or leave.
have spent more time with them because my husband works OT on weekends or will just leave to do his stuff. Like soccer, or doing side jobs when not working at his main job for OT. As I said there is more to the story than I have time to share on here. This was just the gist of it.
He won’t go to therapy. And the ex wife won’t allow her kids in therapy either. Neither party believes in therapy, so it’s not an option for me to have them go into therapy as a family although ideally that’s what I would like.
I have been with this man for a total of 7 years almost 8. I am not a victim when I’ve tried everything I could think of to make the situation better and no one will compromise or meet me in the middle.
If you read my post correctly you would see the main issue is I was doing fine before I met him and I miss that time of my life. I was happy and successful and had a lot going for me. This situation has made things exponentially worse, and I’ve tried to remedy it.
I do see an individual therapist and it’s only been a few months so nothing really progressing there yet. I don’t have very many people to talk to IRL because I’m either at work or caring for kids. Hearing what others would do in this situation is actually helpful for me. Idk what else to say?
Also, my husband knows what she’s like and he chooses to never confront her for any reason. At all. Because he knows there is no winning. With that being said, to answer your question….about us getting along well otherwise or him being loving…when the kids aren’t around we get a long great.
Never any tension, and it’s fine. I wouldn’t say he’s a loving partner if you define loving by being outwardly affectionate. He’s not that for sure. I would describe him as having an avoidant attachment.
There’s quite a bit to unpack with him from his childhood and what not but that’s what therapy is for and he won’t go.
Without going into too much detail I would say a lot of his avoidant behavior stems from how he was raised but that’s also what therapy is for, and I’m not a therapist, I’m his wife.
I’m just very exhausted and tired from all of this and trying to figure out my next move. You have given great insight for sure from the other perspective. I appreciate it.