Stepmom demands late wife’s family treat her as a daughter; teen calls her entitled. AITA?
"AITA for upsetting my dad's new wife because I think she's entitled and or crazy to expect my mom's parents to treat her like a daughter and for me to treat her like a mom?"
My dad married Maggie 6 months ago. They'd dated for like 3 years before that. My sister (11) and I (17) have known her for like 18 months and before she moved in about 10 months ago we only met her a few times.
Dad said it wasn't really a priority because Maggie wasn't going to be our new mom or anything. Which that was expected by me and my sister was glad too. Our mom died but she's still our mom, you know? And I'm not a little kid either.
I'll be 18 this summer and I'll be leaving for college so Maggie won't ever be a parent to me. But Maggie does not have the same expectations as our dad. That has become clear since Christmas.
Maggie was weird about me and my sister going to our maternal family for Christmas Eve and the fact she and dad weren't going too. Grandma gave me a letter to give to dad and I did once we were home. Maggie expected one too and when she didn't get one she looked hurt. But it wasn't a Christmas card or anything like that. It was only a letter.
In February Maggie got very weird with me because she was taking these cooking classes that had parent and child nights once a month. My sister was too young so she wanted me to come and she told me it would be a good chance for us to get to spend some time together as mother and son.
I didn't want to do them with her and I said no thanks. But I'm pretty sure I pulled a face when she said she wanted us to get to know each other like that. For a couple of weeks after that she'd look at me like a sad puppy and was off.
Last month Maggie's her birthday and she wanted to invite my maternal family to the party. None of them wanted to go and she was upset to the point my sister told me she could hear her crying about it to dad and she kept her awake the night she found out. My room's on another floor so I didn't hear her but my sister told me she was upset that mom's family weren't welcoming her into the family.
Yesterday my sister and I went to our maternal family for Mother's Day. Maggie was upset when we got home and I could hear her telling dad she was disappointed in him for letting her be treated as less than a daughter by our mom's parents.
She told him we should be with her for Mother's Day now too. That it would make more sense and was more expected. Dad told her we wanted to spend the day with our family like we always had.
She told him we should've all been there and she should've been included. She said there's enough contact between dad and mom's family for her to be taken in as a daughter.
Dad came out to us after that and asked us how it went and stuff. Maggie followed us into the kitchen after a little while and asked what we did. My sister was telling her and Maggie asked if we missed her or if our grandparents or anyone in mom's family sent her anything.
I told her they didn't. She looked totally hurt by that and I asked her if she really expected mom's family to treat her like a daughter and I pointed out mom was their kid, not dad, and mom died.
She said she didn't see why they couldn't love her and accept her as another daughter and sister when she's family now. And then I asked her if she really expected me to treat her like a mom and she didn't even let me finish before saying yes. She told me she was trying to reach out to me like that and I was being stubborn and she said I'm never too old to have another mother or parent.
I asked her in what world she thought that was possible and she said it was what she deserved and she didn't deserve to be treated like she doesn't belong. She said if my mom's family embraced her like she wants so would me and my sister.
I told her that was so entitled. I pointed out I'm almost 18 and will be moving out in a few months and I told her she's not family to my mom's side. I told her dad's side need to include her and treat her right but she never needs to speak to mom's side.
What I said upset her a lot and dad told me I should've let it go. She would have pulled herself together if given time. He said all I did was make her feel unwanted and unlovable. I told him she was going to keep expecting more if after 6 months she hasn't figured out she's not my new mom or grandma and grandpa's new daughter.
Before I went to the hospital this morning for my annual cardiology checkup she told me I had really wounded her heart with my words. She told me I should consider that welcoming people with love and full acceptance is the way everyone should go and that it's not entitled to want to be a daughter and mother to the people in her family.
She was still upset when we got back and now I'm alone in the house with her. And I can tell she's waiting for me to go and apologize and she might even expect a hug but that totally won't be happening. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. your dad's wife is being really weird. It almost sounds like she is just trying to take over the life your mother had. Which is super messed up. You and your sister are not obligated to see this person as a parent. And your mom's parents are even less obligated to see their ex son-in-laws new wife as their kid or give her gifts or celebrate her special events.
This person, for some inexplicable reason, has come up with this fantasy of what their new life is going to be like after marrying your dad without actually thinking about how people actually work. By any chance is your dad's new wife religious?
Anyways, stick to your guns. Keep yourself and your sister safe. No one can make you have certain feelings or view people in a certain way. And people just need to learn to accept that.
WoobleSweetSmoothie (OP)
Yep. She's Christian and she's super into her church and stuff.
Figures. A lot of fundamental christians (and some other christians) put a lot of emphasis on having kids of your own and being the 'perfect family'. For some reason being the second wife is something you could be looked down upon for as well.
So in a church setting, especially since she's the second wife, not being able to present the perfect wife/mom/family facade is only going to make her position in the church worse. I honestly have no idea why. There's nothing I'm aware of in their religious text that says they should act like this. That's just how it goes for some reason.
But that's probably why she's trying to guilt trip you into falling into this idealized version of her life. So that she won't be ridiculed by the other members of the church or so that she can trick herself into thinking that she's meeting the unreasonable expectations left upon her by her congregation.
WTF - She's a nut job.
WoobleSweetSmoothie (OP)
WTF was my reaction to a lot of stuff with Maggie. It's just so weird to expect the parents of your spouses late spouse to treat you like their new kid. Or an older kid my age or older to treat you like a new parent. There's being polite and then there's expecting to be mom and daughter.