Stepmom requests a different baby name for future grandkid, 'she would NOT be comfortable.' AITA?

"AITA for not immediately agreeing to my stepmom’s request that we not use the chosen name for our baby?"

My husband and I have recently discovered I am pregnant. I’m about 10 weeks along. We’ve been so excited to tell our families and this week I told my dad and stepmom the news that we were expecting.

Note, they live in a different country to us and so I told them while I was visiting the country on a solo work trip. They have been together for 10 years and did not begin their relationship until after I had graduated high school.

They were both very happy to hear our news and the past few days we have been chatting about all sorts of plans for the future when baby arrives. Tonight, the last night of my trip, my stepmom shared that a few months ago she had heard me and my husband discussing baby names, specifically the fact that if it we had a baby girl we would like to name her Lia (Olivia as a full name, but Lia for short).

My stepmom told me that as Lia is her middle name, she would not be comfortable with the baby having "her" name and therefore requested we don’t use it. I was taken aback by this request and asked her to explain a little bit more, and she just repeated that this name belonged to her, her family used it, it was a special name, and that she would not be able to call our baby by that name if we chose it.

I am devastated as my husband and I loved this name. We of course don’t know the gender yet, but have had this name picked out for a baby girl for months along with an accompanying middle name. We did not pick Lia because it was my stepmom’s middle name - we do not call her by that name and even though her parents and siblings do...

We are so rarely around them due to the distance so we hardly ever hear her referred to by that name. My dad also does not use it when he speaks to her. It honestly only occurred to me weeks after we had settled on the name that it was also my stepmom’s middle name, and I thought it nothing more than a coincidence.

I asked for some time to think but I am inclined to decline her request as I don’t feel like it is her place to dictate this personal choice for us. I feel like the choice of name is ruined now for us either way...

If we don’t use it to please her, I may feel resentful for making the concession and if we do use it, I’ll feel like my stepmom will take it personally. AITA if I tell her that while I appreciate her being honest with me, I can’t promise that we won’t go ahead and use the name we’ve had picked out for a while?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Mommabroyles said:

NTA but why can't step mom just call her Olivia if she has such an issue with it. As for what you call your possible daughter, that has absolutely nothing to do with her and you don't even live in the same country. This is why parents need to keep baby names to themselves until the kid is here. Everyone thinks they get a say.

Euphoric_Travel2541 said:

NTA. This is your baby and you love the name. That it happens to be your stepmother’s middle name that some of her family of origin call her, but that she is not known by in your current immediate family, means she has little valid claim to keep it to herself.

If it were the one name she was known by, and you and your father called her, it might be different. But asking you to stay clear of using her middle name makes her the AH. One girl I know is Olivia, and she goes by Liv.

Just a thought. Kids like to change up their names in their teens. You can give them a great name and a nickname, and they will end up going by something else later on. Use the lovely names you’ve chosen. Your stepmother will adapt.

Indy-Lib said:

Gentle YTA. I think people should be allowed to speak up about something that might make them uncomfortable. She did that, in plenty of time, and seemingly before she even thought you'd totally settled on anything.

And I honestly think it's weird to give your kid the name as someone in your close circle who you do NOT want to name them after. Certainly no one owns a name, and you can do as you please. But AITA to me means were you considerate to the other person, not do you have the right to do something, and I don't think you were considerate.

Starbeets said:

Soft YTA. if you do this, prepare yourself to hear this a lot from people who know your step-mom's nickname is Lia - "Oh! You named your daughter after her grandmother! How sweet" "No, actually we weren't honoring her, its just a coincidence." "Oh."

I share the same somewhat unusual first name as a famous singer, for example's sake let's say the name is Dolly. It is always a little awkward when I meet someone who is a big fan of Dolly Parton and they get excited because they think I must be named in her honor, and then I tell them "no actually no one in my family is a Dolly fan, its totally unrelated" and I can see they are a little crestfallen or embarrassed.

Your daughter will go through this routine every time she meets someone who knows her grandmother as Lia. "No actually I'm not named after my grandmother, its just a coincidence..."

MeInSC40 said:

NTA, but start keeping your mouth closed. People are going to have opinions about everything you say regarding your baby. You will make your life a lot easier by keeping it all to yourself until all Is said and done.

SirenGoddess030 said:

NTA: If she's uncomfortable using the shortened nickname version (which based on how the post was written it seems to be the case) then she can call her by the full name instead. No one owns names and especially with it being her middle name and not even her first which would make more sense she has even less grounds for being so adamant about it.

peetecalvin said:

So let me get this right. Your step-mom is called "Lia" by all of her closest family members and you, without discussing this with her, have decided to name your daughter Lia. Now you are "devastated" that she "requested" - your word, not mine - you not use it. IT'S THE NAME HER WHOLE FAMILY CALLS HER AND YOU FIND IT STRANGE THAT SHE ASKED YOU NOT TO USE IT????? And you've known her for 10 years???? YTA.