Stepmom skips stepdaughter's wedding; 'It's not appropriate for me to go.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman isn't sure if she made the right parenting move, she asks the internet:

"AITA for skipping my stepdaughter's wedding?"

I (50f) have 2 step-children, Sarah (23f) and Mike (28m). I have been in their lives since Sarah was 2. Sarah's mom Kate was a drug addict, when Sarah was 3 she lost all her parental rights because of her addiction. Kate left after that and didn't have any contact until Sarah was 17.

That's when Kate reached out to us saying she was clean and wanted a relationship with the kids. My husband Rob was against this but I wanted to give her a chance. We met with her and it turns out she had been clean for a while, going to therapy, and had a decent job.

Mike was against meeting her, and to this day insists I'm his only mom and Kate is dead to him. Sarah was more open to Kate and resented Mike for rejecting her. I explained that Mike was older and witnessed Kate at her worse so he has a different relationship with her. While Sarah only remembers her after getting clean.

This issue still caused a lot of resentment between them and me. Kate blamed me for Mike being hostile and resented me. It didn't help that Sarah started rejecting me for Kate.

She stopped spending time with me no matter what I did and stopped calling me mom, I told her how hurt I was. How she didn't have to choose, she could have us both. I never had an issue with Sarah and Kate, I only had an issue with being rejected.

Sarah told me that while she appreciated me at the end of the day Kate was her and Mike's real mom. This crushed me, the final straw was when she didn't invite me to her high school graduation. I told her if she didn't want to be my daughter then fine. From then on she would be my husband's kid. Mike is NC with her as well.

3 months ago she came over with her fiance (who we didn't even know existed) to invite us to their wedding. She said she wanted me at the bridal party but I refused. I told her we hadn't had a relationship in years because of her wishes, and it felt uncomfortable for me to take on that role when I barely knew her now.

She said she was sorry. I told her I wasn't interested. She got angry and said I had to be there because and I quote "what are people gonna think when both my brother and my dad's wife aren't there? gramps (paternal grandfather) is gonna get pissed off too."

I told her she clearly didn't want me there and only cared about appearances and being on her gramps good side (he's rich). I am not coming nor am I having a relationship with her. She started crying and begging for forgiveness but it felt like crocodile tears to me.

After she left she kept texting me trying to get me to change my mind. On the day of the wedding, she texted that she was gonna leave an empty seat for me and that I was welcome anytime if I changed my mind. I still didn't go.

Rob is mad at me saying I ruined his daughter's wedding and made her cry, that all she wanted was me there and this was a chance to fix our family. Mike (who is also NC with her) is on my side.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the responses:

painfulbatt writes:

Nta.She dropped you quickly enough for her 'real mum', you know the one that did literally nothing for the hardest part of her life then strolled in when it was convenient.

She threw away 15+ years of care like it was nothing, you can't reverse that at a drop.of a hat to full a seat at a wedding.

Husband is TA for not seeing that she kicked you to the kerb without a thought and expects you to be ok with it, although I can see he is in a difficult position.

venice writes:

NTA she didn’t want to fix your relationship she wanted to keep up appearances. If she actually wanted to repair the relationship she would come and ask you to a couples massage or nails or spa day or whatever and apologize to you.

She wouldn’t come a few weeks away from the wedding demanding you be there. She wants to keep appearances. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. She sounds entitled as hell.

You didn’t ruin her wedding. She ruined her own wedding. Remind rob she made her bed when x many years ago she told me I’m not her mother or step mother. I’m nothing. Good luck OP!

enjoy74 writes:

NTA and I’ve read a lot of comments on here. People seem to think that teenagers are just immune to hurting parents and parents should forgive, but that’s not true. She only wanted you back to save face, she didn’t even refer to you as “my dad and stepmom just my dad and his wife” you raised her and she abandoned you in a heartbeat.

I’ve had friends have their deadbeat/drunk/drug addict parents come back into their lifes as teenagers and they always feed the kid shit to make it seem like they are the victim and the other parent/step parents are to blame for their shitty life choices and why they weren’t around.

Your stepson seems to have his head on right understanding not everyone deserves forgiveness and redemption.

feast writes:

NTA She was a kid when she decided this, but, still, that was her choice, and she gave you little heads up and not at all neutral ground to try and reconcile.

I'm actually more disappointed in Rob for apparently not appreciating all of this context and not being more openly understanding of this. Being mad at you for an understandable reaction to the events on your part, it pretty shitty. His daughter is reaping what she has sewn.

But, Sarah sucks for having done that, not properly trying to reconnect/make amends (if she even in fact truly wanted to), and totally putting you on the spot and frankly being manipulative with the situation.

And now, OP's update:

So I would like to clarify a few things. Sarah's relationship with Mike is NC because she couldn't accept his decision to cut Kate off. At first, Mike didn't support Sarah and Kate but I sat them both down.

I told them both of them have very different relationships with Kate. Mike remembers Kate as an addict while Sarah only remembers clean Kate and both of them are entitled to their view of Kate.

Mike accepted this and was okay with Sarah/Kate but Sarah couldn't accept it. She couldn't reconcile addict Kate with clean Kate so she refused to believe Mike and downplayed a lot of this trauma.

Sarah said things like "it wasn't that bad", "it was not her fault, she was sick", "she gave you life, you owe her" etc. By the time Sarah was 19, their relationship became and is NC. Kate also couldn't accept this and blamed me for Mike not wanting to talk to her.

Regarding the wedding, Sarah reached out to me 3 months before the wedding (even though they had been engaged for a year) saying she wanted to come over. We said yes and she came with her fiance, who we didn't even know existed. Apparently, they had been together for 3 years.

When I say she apologized I meant she said "I am sorry you feel that way" which to her was an apology but to me, it's not. She also referred to me as "dad's wife" as in "what would people say if my dads' wife isn't there" not even stepmom. Dad's wife. She also mentioned her paternal grandfather a lot and how angry he would be.

In the 2 months leading up to the wedding she texted me to change my mind but all she talked about was "the wedding will be ruined" "grampa will be mad" etc.

Once the wedding happened she blocked me everywhere, I found out today her fiance blocked me too (even though I don't follow him, I only messaged him on Instagram because he has a public profile but I have been blocked. Same thing with Facebook even though we aren't friend on there.)

She clearly wasn't genuine in her attempts to reconcile. And even if she was it doesn't mean I am obligated to respond. She was 18 when she stopped calling me mom, 19 when she went NC with Mike and doubled down on her decision.

A decision she has held on to for 6 years total. She made her choice. Just because she's young doesn't make her entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me.