Stepmom gives wedding dress to DIL instead of stepdaughter; stepdaughter is furious. AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is worried she made a parenting mistake, she asks the internet:

"AITA for giving my wedding dress to my future daughter-in-law instead of my stepdaughter?"

I 42F got married 24 years ago. I decided that if I had a daughter, I would pass the dress and accessories on to her. I chose a simple, elegant dress, rather than what was fashionable at the time, because I wanted something timeless that people could wear for generations to come.

I had my son “Mark” now 22M a year after, and his father passed away when he was young. I raised Mark as a single mom for several years. I decided that when Mark married, I would give my dress and accessories to his wife.

When I was 33, I met “Rob” now 52M. I fell in love with him and we quickly married. He became a great father figure for Mark, and I was so excited to have a stepdaughter, “Molly” now 24F. My relationship with Molly had a rocky beginning. I’ve been patient and gentle with her.

I’ve offered to take her shopping or get her nails done. I asked Rob about her favorite foods and made sure to cook those. She made it clear that she didn’t see me as her real mom.

Years passed, and I never changed the way I treated Molly. My door was always open for her, but she never changed the way she thought about me. She called me a trophy wife to my face.

If I ever threw a charity event, she would remark “Wow, you’re so generous with dad’s money.” While she didn’t say anything explicitly, I could tell she looked down on me for not having a college degree.

A couple years ago, I made a final offering to Molly. I brought her into my closet and showed her the dress and accessories and told her I would love for her to wear them at her wedding.

Some alterations would have to be done (I am 5’9 and a size 4, while Molly is 5’4 and a size 8), but we could make it work.

Molly scoffed and said I had archaic values and that the dress was trashy, and walked out. That really hurt because she knew what that dress meant to me and she didn’t care. After that, I stopped making as much of an effort to build a relationship with her.

Two months ago, Mark proposed to his college sweetheart “Lucy,” with whom I have a great relationship. When Lucy mentioned dress shopping, I showed her my dress. Lucy tried it on and it fit like a glove. She fell in love with it, and I told her the dress, shoes, and accessories were hers. She was so happy she literally cried.

However, a couple days ago, Molly reached out to me out of the blue to ask if the dress was still available. I told her I had given it to Lucy. She asked if I could get it back from Lucy, since I offered it to her first, and I told her 1) she said she didn’t want it, 2) it fits Lucy perfectly, and 3) Lucy is the only one getting married within the foreseeable future.

Now Molly is saying I’m favoring Lucy over her because she’s conforming to traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin). That’s absolute baloney, but it got me thinking that if the roles were reversed and Lucy was the one asking for the dress after initially turning it down, would I give it to her? Is Molly right that I’m favoring Lucy? AITA?

rosar writes:

This, 1000x. Molly was actually favored by being given first choice, even though she had zero emotional connection to the dress or to OP. She turned down the dress and insulted OP's taste out of spite.

Did Molly think the dress would be available to her and only to her because she's the only girl? OP's son, who does have an emotional connection to OP, has an impending wedding, and he should have had dibs on the dress to be worn by his fiancee in the first place.

Molly is acting like she never saw this plot twist coming. It's easy to hurt OP's feelings when she thinks OP doesn't have any other options for giving away the dress. Finding out the stepbrother's fiancee got it was probably a rude shock for her.

I think Molly is pulling something that you'd expect from a spoiled princess used to getting her way. She's trying to take something that is all about stepbrother and his fiancee (and OP, by extension), and excludes Molly and her dad, and turn it into all about her.

I don't think the dress is the actual issue here. What is at issue is that the OP has a family event that does not include Molly either being included or being able to exert any preferences or consideration, and Molly is trying to play victim here and get all the attention focused back on her.

It's a competition between OP/stepbrother and her, one that Molly is used to winning thanks to her dad always championing her causes. She's trying to remind OP that Molly should always come first.

The dress is already given away, so Molly is SOL. But she gave up any claim on the dress the moment she said it was"trashy". NTA.

jessise writes:

NTA. It seems to me like the possible reason Molly wants that dress now is because she found out that you gave it to Lucy. If that’s the case, then she probably just wanted you tell her that she can’t have it anymore because you already gave it to Lucy, just so she can “validate” the ill feelings and thoughts she has towards you. Kind of like a “see I told you OP was the mean one”

It’s also possible that Molly knows how happy you are that Lucy loved the dress. I wouldn’t put it past Molly to try and get the dress from you so that she can destroy it beyond use. That way you wouldn’t ever see anyone wear your dress. Definitely don’t give the dress to Molly.

Either way, you should have a conversation with your husband and let him know you offered it to Molly years ago and she rejected it. So now you have offered it to Lucy. That way she can’t try to make you out as the bad guy to him.

baylamb writes:

why on earth would your stepdaughter Molly want to wear a dress that you wore to marry to your first husband? she has no real link to you, your first husband or your son. Lucy would have an interest in wearing the dress you, her future mother-in-law, wore to marry the man who is her future husband's deceased father.

it makes no sense whatsoever that your stepdaughter Molly would be interested in wearing a dress you wore at your first wedding when she's not related to you or your deceased husband. did you save the dress you wore when you married Molly's wealthy father? give her that one. or, as you indicated that her father is very rich,

she could just literally ask her father to buy her a beautiful new wedding gown that has no link whatsoever to her (somewhat hated) stepmother. make it make sense!!! because this is such an utterly ridiculous scenario... YTA

mysteryprince writes:

First of all, it’s your dress so the person you want to give the dress to is your choice. -Molly was really rude, first of all calling your dress trashy when you’re being really sweet and offering a special gift that meant a lot to you before that’s disrespectful.

-Molly does not fit the dress to begin with, a wedding dress can be altered to be smaller but not bigger than it’s actually size, fabric can be added and adjusted but it’s not convenient

-Molly isn’t getting married, Lucy is in fact set to be married and she fits the dress, it’s practical and also logical since she’s respectful and appreciates your gift

-Molly is definitely jealous, and you’re not favouring anyone, she’s your stepdaughter and you’re making effort to be close to her yet all she does is disrespect you,

Molly declined the dress rudely and snarked a disrespectful comment at your taste and effort of being sweet yet wants the dress after she realised Lucy is going to wear it for her wedding with your son Conclusion: Molly wants to make you look as if you favour Lucy over her to create unnecessary drama and make you look bad as a stepmother.

Update 1:

Wow, thank you for all of your kind words! I wanted to give an update to respond to general questions and comments. First, I want to say that the fact that most of the comments are “NTA” is very reassuring. It makes me feel better about my decision to not give my dress to Molly.

I saw some comments suggesting this, so I would like to let you know I already gave the dress to Lucy and it’s safe in her apartment now. Molly has already been bugging Lucy about the dress, but Lucy told me there’s “no way in heck” she’s giving it away.

Some of you have also been wondering about Mark and Rob’s responses. Mark is currently out of town on business and I have had no communication with him on this matter. I’m sure he’ll be supportive of Lucy though.

I did not bring this up to Rob, because while Molly and I have a difficult relationship, I don’t want to sow division between her and her father.

However, Rob brought it up last night, saying Molly had contacted him on the matter. Rob was like, “You aren’t going to give it to her, are you?” When I said no, he told me to promise him I would not give the dress to her. It was very comforting to know Rob is on my side.

Another thing I want to get clear, I do NOT expect Molly to conform to certain “standards.” When I referred to “traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin)”, I was paraphrasing words that came out of her mouth. I was raised in a traditional household, but I understand that a lot of women, especially young women, do not share my values.

Frankly Lucy doesn’t either. She has an engineering degree and openly talks about wanting to prioritize her career over starting a family, at least for the foreseeable future, and I couldn’t be happier for her.

I DO realize that I could have done a better job communicating to Molly that I don’t care what she does so long as she is a good person and she leaves the world better than she found it.

Lastly, because after reading the comments I fear I painted Molly in a bad light, I should say that Molly has had a rough life due to the divorce between Bob and her biological mother.

I have never met her mother, and I don’t want to go into gross detail on the internet about someone’s life other than my own, but I will say that her relationship with her mother is not great. I think Molly might be projecting aspects of that relationship onto me.

However, your comments have helped me realize she is in the wrong in this situation. I’ve also realized that it isn’t just on me to build a relationship with her–she has to work at it too, and so far she has not.

I’m never going to shut her out, but at this point if she wants to connect with me, SHE has to be the one making the effort. I really hope the best for her, but she sure as heck isn’t getting that dress.