"AITA for saying what I did to my stepmother?"

When I (19F) was 6 lost my mom and two years later my dad remarried. We'll call her Kate for the sake of the thread. So Kate has been my stepmother since I was young and I can appreciate that but we are not close and I have grown to have so much resentment toward her. Ever since she officially married my dad she has tried to take my mom's place.

She used to tell me I needed to call her mom. This was a daily thing for like five years. I was corrected every time I used her first name. She would ask me why I didn't make her a Mother's Day card when I would make one for my mom's grave every year. She would get upset when I'd tell people she was my stepmother.

She wanted me to tell people she was my mom, but she said even stepmom sounded closer than stepmother. One time for my moms anniversary my dad and I went to her favorite spot and when we came back she asked if she could join us and I said I wanted it to stay just me and my dad.

She told me "my new mom" should be there for me that day while I mourn my "old mom". She was offended when I didn't want to go to her scans when she was pregnant with my halfsiblings and even more offended when I didn't want to be at the births.

I was upset with her when she bought us mom/daughter necklaces and she was upset because I wouldn't wear mine. When we did family therapy together she would say it hurt her feelings when I rejected her as a mom. She got angry when I was 10 and during a family therapy session, I said she would never be my mom. She told me she earned the title.

We had a huge fight 3 years ago. My siblings asked why I don't call their mom my mom and I told them she's not my mom and I have a mom who died. They asked me why I didn't think I had two moms and I explained because sometimes people feel that way. She was furious! She told me I had no right saying any of that to them. She told me my rejection was unfair.

I told her she tried way too hard and that nothing she ever did would earn her the title of mom. She stopped trying after that. Then last week I went to my sisters birthday and I mostly stayed in the background to avoid a fight. My dad pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to be part of my stepmothers birthday video. He clarified it was just my siblings in the video and it was a mom video. I said no.

She overheard and lost it. She told me I was about to publicly humiliate her by not taking part when she has always referred to me as her kid. Apparently some of her friends and co-workers think I'm hers and don't realize I'm not her bio. I lost it.

I told her she wasn't good enough to be my mom and that her attempts to try and force me to feel a certain way about her made me wish my dad had found someone else, someone better. I then left. I didn't even wait for anything else. Now she wants an apology. My dad asked me to apologize too. He said I was harsh and cruel with my words. AITA?

Edit:

I have been reading the comments, trying to reply when I can but there are so many (can't believe this got so much traffic, I appreciate it). I won't pretend I don't have issues. I know I do. I am in therapy right now. Therapy because I don't want to be consumed with so much anger and hate for the rest of my life.

And that's the truth of where I'm at, I hate her. I hate her for never listening, for trying to replace my mom, for refusing to accept that I didn't want to call her mom. I know it's not too healthy to hate someone hence the therapy.

I am angry with my dad too. He let a lot of this sh!t happen and encouraged it by siding with her for so long and only coming more into the middle after the second therapist said she shouldn't be trying so hard and because he was afraid he would lose me. But our relationship is not as close as it once was. I do feel bad for ruining my sisters birthday and will apologize to her.

The truth is I don't appreciate she called me hers, that she didn't differentiate. That is important to me. Even today. I don't appreciate her trying to be a second mother. Those things are not supposed to be forced imo. Having another mother isn't a comfort when they try to push out the one you do love, the person who is actually my mom.

We could have a nice relationship now, maybe we could even have what she ultimately wanted, though she would never be my only mom or overtake my mom in my eyes. But could we be close? Possibly. I just know that was never going to happen with what happened. I'm not sure what will happen. I know I am reflecting on it all now but part of me isn't sure if any relationship can be salvaged right now.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

panicpanic101 said:

NTA. You never fostered a motherly relationship because she was always shoving it down your damn throat. If she had given you space and not tried to replace your mom or automatically assume there is a vacancy in your heart for her to fill. She will never your MOM that space it taken, but she could be motherly to you. And sis going about this way ain’t it.

Info what did the therapist say about this situation? Just trying to see what level of craycray your step mother is on.

Nvrfinddisacct said:

ESH except for your siblings. I feel most bad for your siblings. You’ve alienated yourself from them too—honestly you’re entire family in an attempt to keep Kate away. You ruined your sister’s birthday.

You essentially tell them they’re different from you because you aren’t Kate’s biological daughter although she’s been around for 11 years; probably dropping you off at school, picking you up, making dinner, doing your laundry, cleaning the house.

I know I’m going to come across really insensitive here but your dad found a woman he loves after a massive loss. She’s not your bio mom, that’s true but man after 11 years I bet she’s done a lot for you and you’ve left all of that out. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to end up alone. Your siblings won’t want to call you. Your dad will stop inviting you to family events. Kate will stop trying.

I know you love your mom but you’re creating a ripple effect that impacts more than just you and Kate. I feel most terribly for your siblings who just want a sister that shows up and doesn’t act like a dick to a woman who had to have done at least one thing right in 11 years. You couldn’t take 15 seconds in a video to say thank you for that? You’ve got some real sh!t going on.

And Tinawebmom said:

My daughter's mommy died when she was three. I met her when she was four. She's always called me my first name. I've been asked if it bugs me. Nope. You only get one mommy. I may be mom for everything but I literally cannot replace her mommy. She's called me mom once via text.

I ended up driving 12 hours straight to rescue her from an abusive situation. I'm her second mom. I'm proud of my kiddo. I'm cool being me. NTA she needs to grow up. It's not like your mommy is out there somewhere doing drugs and turning tricks after abandoning her family. Sheesh.

UPDATE:

I called and spoke to my dad yesterday. I spoke to my sister briefly and apologized for my part in what happened at her birthday party. We talked for a few seconds before my dad came back on the phone and I was honest with him.

I told him I am hurt, angry and full of hatred and that I need a break, that might become a permanent one. I told him I feel like he let me down by siding with his wife when she would pressure me to call her mom. I told him I felt like my feelings never mattered when I was a kid. I told him he had really let me down, he had hurt me by letting things go the way they did for so long.

I told him I never wanted things to get this bad but it sucks when you are forced into a situation you have no real control over and then you're treated like the bad guy for resisting. I wasn't a baby with no memories of my mom when his wife and he got married. I had some memories of my mom. I had memories of life without her.

And just as I was figuring out my relationship with her she decided to take the reigns and make it what she wanted and then refused to listen. I told him he went to the middle because he thought he would lose me, but still never really tried to understand me. I acknowledged that I resisted every move she made and I made it clear the reason was how she was handling it.

I brought up how they never gave me time to adapt to her being there. That by forcing her want to be my mom she made it impossible for me to be open, because I already have a mom and that he was responsible for a lot of what happened.

I told him I loved him but this sh!t needed to stop and there was no way to stop it by pretending nothing happened or sitting down and talking because there is a lot of anger and strong feelings on both sides. He cried, I cried, he begged me not to pull away, he said he would do anything and he won't stop trying.

After when I was going to bed he sent me a text asking if we could talk again, just us, in person. I'll reply in a while. I need to think. But I woke up to another request so I feel like he's probably going to keep pushing so maybe I will.