'AITA for stepping back from caring for my disabled parent because it’s destroying my mental health?'
"AITA for stepping back from caring for my disabled parent because it’s destroying my mental health?"
I (22M) have been my disabled parent’s (53F) main carer since I was a teenager. She’s had multiple brain hemorrhages and a stroke, which left her with severe brain damage. She can’t walk more than a few meters, struggles to communicate, and often doesn’t recognize me. She’s had professional carers assigned, but she verbally abused them until they quit.
My family stopped helping years ago because of her attitude, so the responsibility fell entirely on me. Over the years, I’ve tried my best, but my own mental health has hit a breaking point. I’ve been diagnosed with several mental health conditions.
Such as schizophrenia, psychosis and adhd, that make things much harder, and I’m honestly not coping. I’ve started stepping back from being her full-time carer because I need to focus on getting help and stabilizing myself.
Now my family is calling me selfish and heartless, saying I’m abandoning her when she needs me most. They say that since she only has me left, I have to “step up.” I feel awful hearing that, but I also know I’m barely functioning myself. AITA for stepping back from caring for my disabled parent so I can take care of my own mental health?
Thank you all so much for the amazing comments, can't believe strangers on the Internet know how to help more then the people who watched me break. I will keep all of this in mind and come up with a plan to not only get myself free but get her into a place that can help far more then I can in my state.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
HungryMagpie wrote:
NTA. I watched one of my best friends get treated like absolute shit by her family after she moved away for the same reason. Thing is she'd been begging for help caring for her uncle and it was always too hard for them to organise anything. When she finally snapped and left they suddenly figured out how to hire help. My point is please dont feel guilty for stepping back. Live your life.
RubyNotTawny wrote:
"They say that since she only has me left."
No, she also has THEM. It's just much easier for them if you do all the work. NTA
There are care homes that will take combative patients. My sweet old grandpa became a brute and a bully once he lost his mental faculties and we ended up putting him in a Catholic rest home. I felt sorry for those nuns, having to listen to that language, but the second time my aunt showed up with a black eye and bruises on her arms, we forced a decision.
OP, you have to take care of yourself because clearly no one else in your family is going to do it. Reach out to local agencies that can help and tell the family that if someone is going to step up, it needs to be them. Throw their words back at them - how can let your mother suffer because they are lazy and selfish? How can they be so uncaring towards you, when you are clearly suffering?
Tribestar wrote:
If they are family, how come your mother 'only has you'?
NTA. You absolutely need to prioritise your own health. You can't pour from an empty cup, as they say.
FaelingJester wrote:
"I literally can not. My own health needs make it not safe for either of us so we need to decide as a family how we are going to take care of mom." then if anyone suggests you take on more just repeat the same facts. "We already know that unfortunately isn't an option anymore. So what else can we do?" She may honestly just flat out need more care then can be given at home. That isn't a failing on your part.
Normal-Height-8577 wrote:
NTA. Your family is being hypocritical - if they want her to have help, then they need to step up and be prepared to relieve you so it doesn't all lie on your shoulders.
And if they can't/won't do that, then they don't get to complain that you can't/won't either. Talk to Adult Services/Social Services in your country, and tell them that she's in need of care and you can't do it any more.
If you think you might be able to help a bit (e.g. a day out every month, or sorting out her paperwork if someone else does the physical care work) then tell them that. And please get the help you need. You can't pour water from an empty jug. You deserve to have someone looking after you, too.
StormingSunshine wrote:
NTA if your family is so upset, they are welcome to step up and support. The cold hard truth is this: you will be alive a long longer than them and need to make sure that you are taken care of as well. I highly recommend looking into caregiver support groups, they can do wonder to support you and allow you to be seen and heard.
akaredpasta wrote:
NTA. Look up 'Parentification'. There is no way you should have had this burden placed on you. You should also consider therapy because you have been placed in a traumatic situation. The very fact that you're questioning whether it's okay to take some of your life for your own in an indication it could be beneficial.
laughter_corgis wrote:
NTA when family tries to guilt trip say something along the lines of since you are volunteering your day is tomorrow. They will backpedal. It is okay to consider a care home. Being a caregiver is hard and having help and a support system is very important. It is okay to look into care homes or in home nursing. You deserve a life too.
tinyd71 wrote:
This sounds like a very unfair load to have placed on a teenager. You're entitled to your own life. Reinstate the professional caregivers, and step fully back and focus on yourself. Those in your family who think you're "abandoning" your mother are more than welcome to step into the caregiver role themselves. NTA.