'AITA for stepping in to do 'mom' things for my niece because my SIL is disabled?' UPDATED

"AITA for stepping in to do 'mom' things for my niece because my SIL is disabled?"

I have a niece, “Gigi” (10), who is the daughter of my brother “Chris” and his wife “Anna”. Anna became disabled when Gigi was 4, it was triggered by an infection and ever since she has been mostly using a wheelchair.

Obviously, this has been hard on their family. Anna was the centre of their home, even though she had a demanding job. She had to quit her job which is tough on their finances, and she is no longer able to be as involved with Gigi’s school and extracurricular activities due to her fatigue and accessibility issues.

I help as much as I can - school pick up and driving her to dance practice, going to school events if Chris can’t make it such as chaperoning field trips. My husband and I even took Gigi to Disneyland with us over the summer.

I only do what i’m asked to do and within the boundaries of what I have time to do as I have my own child, just whatever I can do to make things easier for their family and for Gigi, so she doesn’t miss out.

Gigi’s school is organising a Christmas market she and her friends volunteered to do a booth (which basically means the parents lol). She asked me to be part of it because Chris is really busy with work around the holiday period. I confirmed with Chris that this was the case and he was really enthusiastic about me doing it because it involves crafts which he doesn’t have time for.

He is helping construct the physical booth though. So I got my daughter involved and Gigi and her friends came over to my house to make stuff for the booth all together. We are even making costumes. I thought I was doing a good thing and Gigi seems so excited.

But on Friday Anna called me and chewed me out. Apparently she was never ok with me being involved with the booth. She said Chris building it was enough and I should have just stayed out of it.

I said that Gigi asked me because they needed adults to help out on the day, but Anna said she was sick of me taking over all the “mom” stuff and that Gigi needed to learn that if her parents couldn’t make it that’s just the way it is, she can’t just replace Anna with me. I told her that that seems unfair to Gigi, to not be able to do things just because one of her parents isn’t able to be there.

(There’s been times I’ve taken Gigi to birthday parties that need supervision at places like trampoline parks, or taken her to dance competitions where she just didn’t want to be the only one there without a female adult to help her change or do her hair and make up. If I hadn’t done those things, Gigi probably would have missed out)

Anna said well that was Gigi’s reality and she can’t just ignore the fact that Anna is her mother and this is the family that she was born into, not mine. I ended up telling Anna that I never meant to disrespect her but that I made a commitment to Gigi and to the other parents so I’m going to do the booth, but after that, if she and Chris want me to step back then I will.

Honestly, I’m really upset about the whole thing. I have my own child, it’s not like I’m trying to play mom to Gigi, I just want her to feel supported and not miss out on anything. Chris does his best but he works crazy hours to support Anna and Gigi, I thought it was a good thing that they had a “village” to help out, as Anna’s family isn’t local.

I thought since Gigi would come to me for these things that we were doing right by her. It seems so unfair that she should not have the same experiences as her friends because of something out of everyone’s control. But I’m not her parent, and Anna is, and if Anna doesn’t mind Gigi missing out then maybe that’s not my business.

My own mom thinks Anna is being unfair to Gigi with this request, but my mom was the super involved type, and I know there’s tons of kids whose parents don’t make it to everything. So maybe we’re just an overbearing type and I went too far. AITA?

EDIT because I see this coming a lot - the reason the craft session was at my house is because one of the other girls was supposed to host it, but the house is small for all the girls to be taking over the whole living room. The mom also has another child and was worried about supervising all the kids the whole day. She messaged me privately and asked if I had the space and time to host and I did.

Anna and Chris’s place doesn’t really have the space in the common area to accommodate the craft making, and I know how stressed Chris is by play dates and probably wouldn’t have wanted it at their house. I thought I was helping out that mom by saying yes.

I say yes to most things, not because I’m trying to push anyone out or take over, but I guess being a SAHM to one kid, I feel like it’s only fair I should take on a bit of extra kid stuff for other parents where I can.

EDIT 2 for anyone asking about Anna being driven to things - Driving Anna would mean I would need Chris’s car, which he needs for work because he needs to haul stuff around.

We can’t swap cars because mine can’t be used for that stuff. So for me to drive Anna in Chris’s car Chris needs to also not be busy in which case he wouldn’t need help. Chris does drive Anna to dance recitals and sports activities when he is available.

This is what people had to say to OP:

HelloRainbow707 said:

NTA. Hopefully Anna will cool off and be able to see it from your point of view. I think you’ve got to approach this generously, and see it as a part of being disabled. It’s not about you, it’s her grief at the life she could have had, and expected to, before this life-destroying infection.

Now she feels like she can’t be a good mother to her daughter, and she feels like you’re outdoing her with her own kid. It’s not about you, it’s about Anna’s powerlessness and grief. It’s about the illness and the disability. Let it cool off, and then see if you can approach it from a place of support and understanding.

Skymningen said:

Anna might have been upset that an activity like doing crafts is something she could have participated in, but now she doesn’t even get the chance to do that. She shouldn’t have chewed you out, but you should maybe try to at least involve her if the activity is doable for her and there just needs to be another able bodied adult for supervision.

lie-agxin said:

NTA imo, Anna is insecure about the fact she can't be as involved as she'd like to be and that's understandable, but making her daughter miss out on stuff when she doesn't have to is just selfish, like think about the child?? if i was her i would want the best for my child, even if that meant letting my or my husband's family take over some activities, i'd be grateful they're willing to help

frolicndetour said:

I don't think you are an AH but I'm not sure why she could have not been included in what you were doing for the booth. Sewing, etc, doesn't involve standing and stuff like that. I get that there are things she won't be able to do but this doesn't sound like one of them so it is kind of important for her to be included when she can be. Also do not see why she can't man the booth from her wheelchair.

Ten days later, OP shared this update:

A lot of people asked for an update and so many people were really kind and helpful so I thought I would provide one. Chris and Anna came over over the weekend to discuss everything.

Just for any avoidance of doubt, Chris always made Anna aware of what I was doing with Gigi, and Anna has confirmed this when we met. A lot of people thought maybe Chris was not relaying the information to her, but that is not the case.

Obviously the first topic was what prompted Anna to contact me. It turns out there’s a myriad of things that led to it. First, a few weeks ago she read Gigi’s journal while using her tablet, and was hurt by what she read. I’m not going to be sharing what Gigi said out of respect for her privacy but it’s what you’d imagine a kid in her situation would say, just obviously sucks for a parent to read.

Anna says she’s been continuing to check Gigi’s journal as a way to connect with her because since the school year Gigi has been busy with schoolwork and extracurriculars and is not home/engaging a lot when she is.

She knows this is wrong and has stopped doing it now, but she and Chris agreed they’re going to make sure Gigi’s school counsellor is aware she might be struggling a bit more than she lets on. Second, Anna recently connected with a woman through an online community who said she doesn’t let her kids participate in anything that’s not completely accessible for her.

Anna says she has tried to “soft launch” this concept with Chris but Chris said he never understood the full scope of what she was suggesting, and Anna felt like he wasn’t taking her seriously, which is why she decided to go straight to the “source” aka me. The third part of this is that Anna has been wanting to move closer to her family.

Chris has shut this down as they can’t afford a move, it’ll be tougher for him find work there, the education is not as good statistically, Gigi is comfortable here, and Anna’s home county, let’s just say, doesn’t offer a very diverse cultural or political experience, it’s also very rural.

Chris also cited the lack of support system there, because while Anna has family, they all have large families of their own and are not financially stable and he worries about relying on them.

This reasoning especially hurt Anna’s feelings which is what caused her to lash out at me, whom she saw as the main reason Chris didn’t want to move, although that’s not the case. From the discussion, it seems Anna and Chris are really at an impasse about the move and Anna said she has considered moving on her own.

Anna went on to say that I’m not who she’d have picked for a female role model for her daughter, to which I said I’m not trying to be one, I’m just trying to make sure Gigi doesn’t miss out on important childhood experiences, but I reiterated that I’m not going to force my help on them if it’s not a two yes situation, because I wouldn’t want any of my in laws to do that.

Chris and Anna strongly disagree on this issue and it was just devolving into an argument that I think they should have in private so until they settle that, I’ve decided to help with driving only, no extra activities. And I’m also going to try and help with non-Gigi stuff, so that it might free Chris up a little to do more things.

I’m going to take over grocery shopping (and hopefully talk Chris into at least letting me out some money towards the cost), and I’ve asked an account of mine to get in contact with Chris, she can maybe do an audit of their finances and see where they can move things around to lighten the load.

Maybe not but it’s worth a shot. My husband and I are thinking of getting Chris a gas card for Christmas to help with expenses. (If anyone has ideas how to help without being overbearing, I’m open to suggestions!)

So, for now, I think it’s best that I do step back on extra activities with Gigi. I’m not here to cause issues in anyone’s marriage, and i do think of parenting as a two yes one no thing for the most part.

Fundamentally I think a lot of you were right, this has ended up being more about Chris and Anna’s marriage than anything to do with me. There’s more going on there that I won’t share because it’s not really relevant and private between them, but they need to work it out, and I’m definitely not going to insert myself by going off Chris’s preferences when I know one parent isn’t okay with it.

This is a very complex situation and I really just want the best for everyone, contrary to some people’s belief, so I’m just going to focus on the ways I can make an impact. I feel bad that Gigi might be hurt that I’m less active in the new year but I’m also hopeful that Chris and Anna will use the Christmas break to really talk and figure out a path forward.

If I’ve missed anything, please let me know, but otherwise, thank you to everyone who commented and especially to disabled parents who shared their perspective with me!

EDIT - just to be clear, I’m not totally stepping out of Gigi’s life. I’m still going to do drop offs and pick ups from extracurriculars and school, and friends houses. When I say “step back” I’m talking about not doing “Dance mom” duty or hosting play dates. We’re hoping easing Chris’s burdens will free him up to take over that stuff so Gigi isn’t disadvantaged.