'AITA for insisting my ex-wife and I stick to our court ordered custody order?'
"AITA for insisting my ex-wife and I stick to our court ordered custody order?"
My ex-wife and I (both 30s) have been divorced for almost 5 years and she's remarried. Ever since her marriage to her current husband (40s) she has been trying to deviate from our court ordered custody order for our kids.
We split custody 50-50 with 7 days, 7 days being the way this works. She get's Mother's Day and her birthday. I get Father's Day and my birthday. Her husband's birthday and mine are on the same day and she wanted it to be shared but the judge said my birthday took priority for our kids. Same with Father's Day.
My ex will ask for our kids for 2 or 3 extra days here and there because they go out of town to visit her husband's family. Or she'll want the kids an extra day to celebrate his birthday or Father's Day. When I tell her to do it on her own time she gets pissed at me.
But the one time I was somewhat willing to work something out she didn't want to talk about making up the time. So I don't trust that she would let me have the time back that I give up. And so I 100% say we still to the custody order.
My ex has called me all kinds of names for this and she told me trying to come between the kids and their family is wrong. She's extra grumpy about it because she has a child with her new husband now and they were visiting her ILs with the baby for the baby's baptism and the kids couldn't be there since it fell on my custody time.
She wants to go visit her in-law's more and wants our kids there. I told her to do it when she has them and I was told it was unfair to make her do that. I told her I plan around our schedule and she is not incapable of doing the same.
Her husband also called me a p*$y for holding firm on this. He and I do not communicate but we saw each other at an end of school year meeting and he said it to my face. Got himself removed by school staff for that. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"and they were visiting her ILs with the baby for the baby's baptism and the kids couldn't be there since it fell on my custody time."
WHY would you arrange for your child's baptism for a time when you don't have custody? This problem is ENTIRELY self-inflicted by the ex! She has 50% custody and can't arrange an event within her time?
NormalAiry8600 (OP)
This was a question I had also. She knows when she has our kids. This isn't something new. We both have to plan around the order.
She is planning around the order, she's deliberately planning on your time to to guilt you into giving up that time.
No, and if you are not already doing have your lawyer get it in writing that all communications are to be done thru a parenting app. Maybe that will slow this crap down!
NormalAiry8600 (OP)
We already use one. It really doesn't stop this kind of thing. It just provides a good paper trail of sorts.
You're not the AH, and you shouldn’t budge. The court order exists for a reason—to create structure and fairness. People make co-parenting harder than it needs to be when they ignore boundaries. Stick to the plan and protect your peace.
NormalAiry8600 (OP)
I agree that people make co-parenting harder than it needs to be. I think poor communication can cause more conflict too. Like when a parent agrees to the co-parent getting extra time without communicating beforehand to make sure you get that time back. Then when they don't get to make up missed time it causes added resentment.
NTA. Deviating from the custody agreement only works when coparents are completely amicable and still friends.
NormalAiry8600 (OP)
I generally agree with this. Once you're amicable enough it can work. Once there's some form of trust there and a want for the kids to have a good relationship with both parents. This is sadly not always how it works.
NTA. A judge decided custody order, they cannot vary it for their convenience. A courtesy every now and then? Sure, it's fine for the peace of both families. But if it becomes a demand on their part, absolutely not. Make sure to record conversations and try to communicate mostly in writing, so you have evidence in your favor in case they try something.
NormalAiry8600 (OP)
We use a co-parenting app so most of it is in writing thankfully.
Get the lawyer involved and tell the judge they are creating an unsafe environment for the kids and that you are seeking primary custody as the guy is now threatening you. The moment you take her to court for this she will freak and use it as leverage to make sure she knows you will take them.
Have your lawyer draw a TRO against her husband cause he threatened you. This will make it also he can't be around you and the kids at the same time. Your ex wife is just mad she ain't getting things her way. Just tell her... if she wants things her way to go to Burger King...
Under normal circumstances, I would've said 'only agree if 'making up time' is immediately agreed upon too' But since they seem to be incapable of mature and reasonable communication, they can suck it, and learn to plan within the time she gets the kids.
I'd make mention of every and any inappropriate comments the jerk makes, in the parenting app, as well. He calls you names to your face, you send a message to your ex through the parenting app like 'Just now, during x event, your partner/husband called me x (in front of the children).
I ask you to stop him from doing so in the future. I really do not care what he thinks about me, but he is to keep his negative thoughts about me to himself, in front of our children.' NTA. You would be a 'p' if you were to cater to the jerk's demands, when it comes to your children.