'AITA for still planning a family vacation when one of our kids can’t go?'
"AITA for still planning a family vacation when 1 of our kids can’t go?"
My husband and I have been planning a family trip to Mexico for 2 years now. We had everything booked in 2024, but our 20 year old daughter Kayla wound up having senior exams that week so we had to cancel and try to reschedule, but our reschedule credit only lasts until June of 2026.
Every time we float dates 3 of our 4 kids (all adults) tell us that whatever dates we book, they’ll work with it. It’s always Kayla that has conflicts. school, sports, work…there’s always something.
I finally put my foot down and scheduled for end of May - literally 1 week before our voucher expires. I looked at her school schedule online, and classes end a week before. I texted all the kids and told them. They’re all good and going to request time off - except Kayla.
She said that even though school ends, her league sport doesn’t until June, plus she is jumping right into summer work and already committed to starting that week. Her father and I told her we understand, we’re sorry that she has to miss it and maybe we’ll figure out something else with just her when she graduates and her schedule becomes less chaotic.
Apparently she wasn’t expecting this response and is upset that we’re still planning on going without her. She said that we can’t have a family vacation without the whole family, but my other kids are (rightfully) angry with her for trying to prevent them from going on vacation just because she doesn’t want to make the time for it.
She wouldn’t lose her summer job by starting a week later, she comes and goes during breaks, it’s a family owned store so the owner just throws her on the schedule when she says she’s available. If we don’t go, we lose around $2,000 that we had prepaid for our original vacation, and our other kids will be pissed.
If we do go then I’m going to feel guilty and like a bad parent for not having all my kids there. I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation. My husband says I need to let it go, parents go on trips all the time without their kids once they’re adults - but it’s the fact that 3/4 will be there that bothers me. AITA for still planning the vacation without Kayla?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Illustrious-Bug-6889 wrote:
NTA. You've done everything possible to accommodate her schedule, and she's given you nothing but pushback. It's not that she can't go, she's choosing not to go.
OP responded:
My husband said “we’re not going without Kayla. Kayla is not coming with us.” And I do kind of see the difference but mom guilt sucks.
Rare_sugar_7927 wrote:
If she really wants to go, she can make it happen. If she doesn't, then she misses out. She's an adult, if she cant be grateful she's getting a free (I assume?) vacation, thats on her. Time she learns to prioritize - and that the world doesn't revolve around her. NTA.
OP responded:
We’re covering the resort (all inclusive) and flights. Only things the kids have to pay for are their own excursions if they decide to go on any without us and souvenirs and stuff.
blueberryxxoo wrote:
Did she not give you possible dates when she could go? It sounds like nothing will work. She's 20, she'll survive. Go with your other kids and have fun. Make memories. Follow through on trying to plan something after she graduates but understand that the older the kids get the less likely you are to get all of them together for a trip.
Kayla should not be angry about this. You tried. She couldn't make it work. She'll continue to mature and will one day understand. Don't feel guilty. This is just how it goes. You're doing nothing wrong. NTA.
OP responded:
I kept asking every time she came home and she’d say “I’ll look and let you know” and just never let me know. I asked her the day before I decided on the dates too, she said she’d get back to me later that night and never did. My husband told me to just pick the dates and whatever happens happens.
Glittering_Win_9627 wrote:
NTA. If you think it's difficult now, wait until spouses/partners and grandchildren get added to the mix.
Kayla has priorities and a family vacation isn't one of them. Enjoy your trip!
OP responded:
This was supposed to be our last big family vacation because we know things are going to change soon. After this one it will be “weekend getaways if they can come” kind of vacations - I just really wanted one last long week with all my kids but I just have to face the fact that the time has passed for that :(
tararaboomda wrote:
NTA. There is one AH in your story, and it is not you. It is not three-quarters of your kids. And it is not your husband. That leaves just one person, and that is Kayla.
Has she always been this passive-aggressive and manipulative?
Fancy-Still-4297 wrote:
Definitely NTA. she’s 20 her sport and work is her choice. As an adult, she has to face up to her life not always being aligned with yours. Have fun. This is the first of different paths you will walk and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Beachinlife1 wrote:
Yes, you can plan a family vacation without the whole family, and you have no choice but to plan it when you did, or you lose all that money. This is non-negotiable. She has a choice to make...her sport or the vacation. This has been going on for over a year with her, and she's never going to make time for it.
It's not fair for you to lose all that money you spent, and it's not fair to the rest of the family to allow her to hold the family vacation hostage for her crap. Your husband is right. Let it go. Your daughter is an adult, not a "child," and it's her decision whether to go or not. If she doesn't go it's her own doing, not yours. You, my dear, are NTA.
2dogslife wrote:
Getting adult children lined up for a vacation can be like herding cats. You've given Kayla multiple dates and she's shot every option down. Bottom line is you will lose your deposit if you don't go at some point, and you've left it until the last possible moment. At this point, it's a her problem, not a you problem.
If she wants to over commit, then she has to accept that she's going to miss out sometimes.
I hope the rest of you have a terrific time in Mexico! Maybe she'll make time for the next one?