'How do I stop being so jealous regarding my husband's new female friend?' UPDATED

"How do I (31f) stop being so jealous regarding my husbands (34m) new friend?"

I love my husband. We have been together 9 years, married for 6 and have been through a lot together. He has never given me a single reason to think he would stray from our relationship physically or emotionally. He is an amazing father, and very equally shares the household load. We have our ups and downs like most people but generally we are solid and always come back to each other after a disagreement.

Now to the issue. He recently embarked on his Masters degree. He is one of only 2 men in his cohort of approx 80 people, and the only guy of our culture (we are in our home country, the course and university is just incredibly multi cultured)

As such, he has made a lot of new female friends, most of whom dont bother me at all. But theres this one (30f I think) that I just dont like his friendship with and I know I'm being unreasonable.

They text all the time, like multiple times a day - mind you he isn't secretive about this. He doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. I can see her name at the top of his screen. He also talks ABOUT her all the time. How nice she is, and all the cool things she's done.

He also spends a LOT of time with her - they have just decided to collaborate on a research project together for a conference in the coming year and as such they will likely be spending even more time together.

Frankly I'm sick of hearing about how nice and amazing this other woman is. She's also annoyed the hell out of him at times, blowing like hot and cold at him when she has perceived he has done something wrong (though its probably cultural differences that trigger this) - and he'll talk about this too.

It's like watching someone discuss the beginnings of a relationship, the euphoria of dating someone new, plus all the baggage they come with as they work through it, which is a weird thing to watch your husband go through.

I don't believe its anything more than I have described above. When I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be messaging her as frequently as he is (and if the shoe was on the other foot, does he really think he would be okay with me messaging a man as frequently) and he offered to let me read all their messages (which I didn't)

So I really dont think he's hiding anything. I obviously dont want him to start being secretive about it so I've said I'll drop it. But I just feel annoyed and jealous like every time I see her name pop up on his phone.

I dont even think he's physically attracted to her, we have a great intimate life and this is not something I feel insecure about. I guess she's shiny and new and interesting and they have a lot in common, I think I'm insecure about not being interesting enough for him and maybe sometimes feel like he'd rather talk to her than me.

I'm not used to him having female friends (though he used to have many when he was younger) and I'm finding this new dynamic really difficult. Any advice as to how I can just get over it and accept this new friendship as it is?

This is what people had to say to OP:

thandi81 said:

I am sorry but i don't mind different gender friends but if my husband has a new female friend and is texting everyday and talking about her everyday isn't something i would be comfortable about. I would seriously sit down and talk

suncirca said:

Eight years ago I was in your shoes. I told myself I was just being insecure especially since this other woman was also married and a toddler the same age as ours and her husband also used to join in their hangouts sometimes. At the time I was very chill and just let him do his thing I was not at all controlling or anything like that I never even looked through his phone.

They’ve cheated on both of us and have now been together since. With time and with my son’s well being in mind I was able to forgive and we’re all cordial and good coparents now. It was really hard though. So my advice personally would be to not ignore any warning signs although he’s an adult and you can’t stop him from making his own decisions.

Sit down with him and be very honest about how that friendship makes you feel. If he loves you and you’re his priority he’ll adapt accordingly to make you feel secure. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best, may your outcome be very different than mine!

And hazelxnutz said:

I'll be honest and I may look a little bit paranoid. But I've always followed this rule. If my brain tells me something is wrong. Even if you see nothing wrong at the minute. You should really give your brain's alarm signals serious thought. Sometimes we just know. We just know something that seems totally ordinary, is not. I advice you you take your sense into consideration.

Three weeks later, OP shared this update:

My husband and I discussed his new friend a few times and he understood where I was coming from but was a bit hurt because he's never done anything in our relationship to suggest he might ever be unfaithful. I believed him when we talked about it but he thought it would be better if I could just meet her to try and understand a bit better and I agreed.

We had a few friends over for his birthday last night and she came. The birthday gift she got him was a picture of my whole family (me, hubs, and the kids and even the dog) that she'd made herself (digital - she's a bit of a graphic designer) on a light box. It's really beautiful and I think its a lovely present because it includes me and the kids.

She was incredibly respectful all night, and we actually have a fair amount in common with some shared interests and shared experiences (e.g. we have both been scuba diving and are interested in marine conservation). She just seems genuinely very nice, not fake at all and her being around felt very akin to my husbands other female friend that we had over as well.

All that to say, I'm no longer concerned about anything dodgy developing between her and my husband and I certainly dont think anything untoward has happened as yet. Oh also, I caught a glimpse of their messages this morning and she was messaging him about how nice I seemed, and he was talking about how cool I am - that wasn't performative because he didn't tell me about it.

It was just part of the conversation they were having. The rest of which was about the Japanese curry my husband made last night 🤷🏼‍♀️ idk I'm sure commenters will tell me im being stupid or naive but it just feels very innocent now I've actually met her.

Aside from this my husband and I have had other arguments about other issues in our relationship and have agreed on one at home date night per week where we do something fun together but also like get a bit dressed up and like make an effort for each other (instead of only making and effort when we go out or go to the office or whatever).

We're also working on each of our individul mental health and wellbeing as well (eating better, exercising more, allowing each other "me time" away from the kids in a more consistent way). Some of the advice I got on my last post was about making more of an effort in our relationship and "watering my own garden" as well so I feel like we are addressing that.

I'm hopeful we can do this well and this new year will be a better year for us. We love each other very much, and our family so we're going to improve our communication and work on ourselves and our relationship as best we can :) Thanks for all the people who gave reasonable advice on my last post - there was more than I was expecting!