'AITA if I stop contributing to my stepson’s college fund after my wife said he’s not 'our' son?'
"AITA for threatening to stop contributing to my stepson’s college fund after my wife said he’s not 'our' son?"
We got married in our mid 30s. I was single and she was a single mother of 3 year old son. The boy's bio dad is totally absent since divorce and neither gives any child support, so I was supposed to totally take his place as the father of that child.
I had no issues, mainly because he was just 3 at that time, I believed he'll surely accept me as his dad. Things went smooth & as I expected for next 6-7 years. Currently, we're in our mid 40s and the kid is now 14 yrs old. As he grows, he started arguing, questioning things etc, basically doing all sort of parent-child things a teen normally does.
I tried my best to be the best dad since day 1, but since last 4-5 years, whenever a quarrel happens with our kid and I try to involve in it, my wife shuts me up by saying sentences like "Don't get between me & my son", "I know him the best, he's my child" etc.
Even though she says that in complete anger, it hurts badly, I feel such things shouldn't be said no matter what. Although I've been doing a full time job, it's not like I'm an Absent father, I give most of my remaining time to my family, my connection with old friends has got weakened, and I made no new attachments (friends) at work.
I discussed about this thing and how bad I feel with her 2-3 times in the past, she just shrugs it off, although doesn't argue but gets kinda sorry. (She very rarely says sorry directly, it just reflects in her behavior).
But the same things happen even after that, like in 4 out of every 10 fights we have with our kid. Same happened last week. That was the final breaking point and I made her sit and talk last Sunday (when our son was out) for an hour.
It quickly turned into a fight between us and I told her if he's "her" son and not "ours", then all his finance, responsibilities is her's as well and she shouldn't be really expecting me to put monthly money in his college fund as well, as she's "her" son, right?
(We both earn, started saving for his college fund since 2.5 years, till now both of us contribute towards it monthly and equally). I'm thinking of not putting any money in it UNTIL she apologizes. (I know it sounds like I'm punishing our son, but I'll be just secretly saving that monthly payments somewhere else until then) AITA? She's highly upset
This is what people had to say to OP:
Low_Parsley_2689 said:
NTA. She's being hypocritical. She says he is "her" son to try and diminish your authority, yet still expects you to give him money so she doesn't have to. Tell her you are holding her to her own standards.
Realistic-Arugula578 said:
Being a child of divorce, and having a step father for over 40 years…NTA …..
While my bio father was present in our lives, my step-father spent more time with us kids (4 of us!)….and was a parent to us.
Fast forward to 3 of us kids having kids- my step-father is Grandpa to all….AND put college funds away for a set number of years for each grandchild which so far has allowed 3 of 4 to be college debt free.
I know that if my mom had ever referred to us as her kids and not let my step father be a full father figure, we wouldn’t be in the position we are in now.
IrrelevantManatee said:
NTA. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. Either she allows you to parents at the same level as her, either she excludes you from parenting. Making unilateral decisions saying "He is MY son" when it suits her is not fair. You are his father, as much as she is her mother, and she shouldn't weaponized the lack of biological link against you. Stand your ground.
pluhgeh said:
NTA it's also not fair that she says she knows him best. You've been with that child for 11 out of its 14 years. You may not have swapped a nappy but you were there for most of his characteristic development AND also for financial support in place of it's biological father.
Fragile_reddit_mods said:
Does she even like you? NTA You would also NOT be in the wrong to permanently withdraw the college fund support.