'AITA if I stop watching my niece knowing I'm the only person who can do it?' + 3 UPDATES
"AITA if I stop watching my niece knowing I'm the last person my brother in law has?"
I 31 (f) have been watching my niece (8) for my brother in law (34) for almost a year now. I am the last person he has to watch her because she has behavior problems. I also have three kids of my own. My niece doesn't go to the same school as my kids. That's a big part of the story. I have her five to six nights a week so her dad can go to his night job.
I also take her to school, on the opposite side of town that my kids go to. I only charge him $40 a week, just so I have gas money. Here's the problem, I have found out he's been complaining and trying to tell people that I'm trying to get him to pay my rent and how he doesn't understand why she's a few minutes late for school.
He hasn't said anything to me but has been complaining about me to anyone who will listen. I found out that he's been doing this the entire time I've been watching her. Again I'm the last person he has to watch her and take her to school. So my question is would I be the a hole if I stop watching her since he's done nothing but complain about me and tried to spread lies?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Naethe said:
NTA. In fact, you should politely confront him. "Hey, so I heard through the grapevine that you're unhappy with how I watch you daughter and take her to school every morning. It's a long drive, but I believe that family should help family, and that's why I've been asking you for gas money.
It's hurtful to hear that you're saying such things about me to other people, and it makes me feel like you don't consider me family. So here's the way it's going to go: Either you quit gossiping about the free labor I'm giving you, or you can say whatever you want and pay me a fair amount. Room, board, transportation comes out to $350 per week. Your choice."
OP responded:
Shoot three 50 would definitely pay my rent and then I'll still have $110 a week for other things. And it's the fact that he knows his daughter has destroyed quite a few things at my house and has been very rude to me and my kids but doesn't do any discipline or anything.
But I appreciate the feedback because my sisters have been telling me that I need to straight tell him I'm stop watching her or charge him the daycare fee that I had to pay when my kid was in daycare.
Trevena_Ice said:
NTA. He wants to be the victim let him be. So he can figure out that childcare and babysitters are much more expensive than 40$ a week. Also tell him directly why you are refusing to do so. If he is pissing off the last person, who helps him and bad mouthing this person, it is his own fault.
Maybe he will rethink - most likely he will start complaining more - but then he has at least a valid point. And if someone ask you about it, tell them the truth. That he was complaining about paying gas money for an otherwise free full time babysitter.
OP responded:
And that's my point. His daughter has a storied quite a few things at my house and he never did anything about it. And honestly what I charge him a week is what my sister pays me whenever she asked me to watch her kid so she can go out. And she used to watch our niece as well but she stopped because of the way him and his daughter are.
They're very entitled and honestly it's going to ruin his daughter being like that. But I did message him asking if I hadn't agreed to watch her who would he have had watch her as well as if he has any complaints or concerns about me watching her. I just sent him the message and I will keep you updated on what he has to say. I'm not a conflict kind of person but I don't like lies being told about me.
Specific_Yogurt2217 said:
NTA, he isn't grateful for what you're doing for him so why do it? He'll be fine, same with his kid. They're not your problem.
OP responded:
Exactly and it's not like my sister her mother isn't around. Like it got to a point where I was working at her school for a couple of days but I took a break because she was acting out at school to the point it affected my job there and I had to tell her teacher and a nurse that I am not her mama if they have a problem with her or questions about their home life they should ask him not me.
She later shared this update:
He did not respond by the time I got home around 3:30 after getting my own kids. He didn't proceed to try and call me and then blew up my phone to have some he doesn't understand why he should be paying 40 a week when my car was broken down for 2 weeks out of a year of me watching her.
And was saying how if he still had to pick her up that he was going to negotiate the $40 a week because he doesn't think that he should be paying me $40 a week for five to six nights of babysitting her.
Y'all have no idea how much my blood is boiling but a lot of y'all were right he does not appreciate me he's even bring up the fact that he said that $40 was me trying to pay my rent and then try to say how at the tables were turned he wouldn't charge me.
He's never included my kids even on weekends when I've included his daughter to days at the park he would drop her off at the park and then leave and expect me to watch her unpaid unknown that I was supposed to be babysitting her so he could go and do whatever. I'm done with him I love my niece but be audacity of it All if I could post screenshots I would.
Thank you all for keeping up and reassuring me that me standing up for myself was the right thing to. I will now copy and paste the whole conversation with him:
Me : So the reason I asked is because I know everything you've been saying behind my back. You did the same thing with Hannah when she was watching Olivia and I don't appreciate it. If you're just going to complain about me behind my back to people then why do you have me watch her?
I don't appreciate you talking about me behind my back to people and thinking that it's not going to come to me and the things you're complaining about don't make me look bad at all. But yeah I'm done since you want to complain about me I'm done you can find somebody else to watch her.
Him: U mean did I mention to (my mom )that for the past 3 weeks I didn't think I should be paying u 40 per week when I was taking her to school in the a.m. while ur car was broken down?
Me :Wow, so you don't think you should be paying me at all for watching her. Regardless if I was taking her to school or not? Even though I was still watching her.
Him :No if anything I was thinking of renegotiating if that was gonna continue to be a thing and if the shoe was on the other foot and if u were bringing ur kids over here to sleep I wouldn't have charged u anything. But obviously since u had gotten ur new car seat then that would have been out of the question. And didn't I offer to pick ur kids up from school so u could start working at the high school?
Note he only had to pick his daughter up for at most two weeks since my car was broken down. Not three weeks. And when it comes to the high school thing I'm a substitute teacher and was offered a job at a high school so I told him hey we're going to try out this Monday at Middle School just so you can get used to picking up the kids from their school.
Tell me why he didn't even pick up my kids till almost 3:30 and then wasn't even at my house until almost 4:00 . But I'm honestly really turning to text him back and say the audacity and just leave it at that but I'm a bigger person I'm not getting to entertain it. I will have her be leaving the house just in case he tries to just show up my neighbors know what's up and they have my back. Thank you all for the support.
She later shared this second update:
So I took my kids out and we came back around 8:00 8:30ish around bedtime. My neighbor had my back and she kept an eye out just in case he just randomly showed up last night. She said he didn't and I haven't heard from him since his last message which I posted above.
Thank you all for the support I do not feel bad. Even my sister who's very conservative and all about family when she saw the messages she was very upset for me. For the simple fact even if I wasn't taking her to school which I did the math he had to take her a week and 3 days out of the past 3 weeks to school.
But she said and agreed with me and all of you even though I wasn't able to take her to school and he had to pick her up there was no need for him to say he needs to negotiate pricing for babysitting.
Because it's not like she got here at 7:30 at night and went straight to bed I don't know what kid does Even my 4-year-old will stay up at least until 8:30 maybe 9:00 at the latest so that's a good hour and a half where the kids are still up and I don't mind them chilling watching a movie or something like that but it's the fact of her jumping on beds when she is my size I'm 5 ft 2 and weigh all over 100 lb.
She's a few inches shorter than me same way jumping on my kids beds and stuff like that. She does not have special needs she's very entire like her dad but she will throw tantrums like a 2-year-old.
Which is why I took a break subbing at her school because it got to a point where I had two teachers the nurse and like three office ladies asking me questions about her behavior how her home life was and I've only been to their house one time.
And I would like to clear some things up. It's not after school care she gets dropped off at my house at 7:30 in the afternoon and I take her to school and she's usually there by 7:30 in the morning. I do not feed her anymore because she would hide food in my cabinets and in my sink and I deep clean my house every Friday and would find it rotting being nasty and my kids don't do that.
As well as I told him to stop bringing her over when she was eating takeout which was everyday after me talking to him about her hiding food and wasting my food. But I had to talk to him because she would come in here and brag about having take out knowing I can't afford it it's very rare when I can sit there and afford take out for all three of my kids and when I did I even offered to get her something.
Third and final update:
So yesterday my oldest daughter who's eight asked me if her cousin would be coming back I told her no and she would ask me does that mean that their uncle would ever pick them up again he only picked them up once and as I said before he was like an hour late picking them up and then we get to my house till 4:00 something.
Anyways I told her no that I'm not babysitting him and I honestly don't want him picking y'all up anymore because of that one time back in January I asked her why she would ask me that. She got very quiet and I asked her I turned down the radio in the car and I asked her again why did you ask me that?
It took her almost 10 minutes to tell me why but come to find out the one time he picked her up he asked him what they wanted from Burger King and instead of getting them Burger King he just got his daughter something. Kind of a rude thing to do but not only did he do that he sat there got mad at my oldest daughter when his kid was trying to share her fries with my oldest.
He also got mad at my oldest for playing with some toys that are in the backseat of the car and I don't know what all was said but at some point he called both of my daughters little b i c t h's. I was floored.
When I picked up my son from daycare I turned the radio off so that my kids know I need to talk to them because my other daughter was just sitting in the backseat singing along and her own little world she didn't hear the conversation. So I asked her what happened when your uncle picked you up that one time she was real quiet but I told me the exact same story.
I asked my oldest daughter why she didn't tell me back in January and she said that she was scared to tell me. I told her that's something that you definitely need to be telling me because I would handle it then and there.
Now something about my oldest daughter she's not scared of anything at all when I say that I mean that she will sit there and pick up snakes she has no fear of spiders she will sit there and if she could she would sit there and fight a grown man that's how unafraid my 8-year-old is. I'm guessing there's more to it that she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid to tell me.
I am so upset he is now no longer to be around my children even at birthday parties I refuse to acknowledge him. For him to sit there and act that way towards my children when that's the first time he's even had to do the uncle thing to the family thing and pick them up.
Of course I'll keep y'all updated as things progressing if anything else pops up but yeah I'm super upset because he's scared my oldest daughter so badly that she didn't want to tell me until after I let her know he won't be around anymore. Him or his daughter.