'AITA for storming out of a bday party of the child my husband fathered against my will?'

"AITAH for storming out of my husband's kids birthday party?"

I ( f 29) have been married to my husband (m 31) for a little over 5 years now, but we have been together since i was 21 and he was 23. Here is some back story, just to get all of the information out there. From the very beginning of our relationship, I was very clear that I didn't want kids and he agreed with me. There was never any discussion of having kids when we were dating, and I really thought we were on the same page.

But about a year onto our marriage, my husband started trying to casually float the idea, talking about how a lot of his friends were starting families and having kids and he asked me if maybe we should start considering it. I didn't really think he was serious at first, but he started bringing it up more often, showing me pictures of his friends kids and trying to convince me that we should start trying for a baby.

After a few months of this, I respectfully but firmly shut it down, saying my mind had not changed, nor would it. He was disappointed to say the least, but he told me he loved me and married me knowing i didn't want them, so he was okay with that.

I thought that was the end of it, but a little over a year into our marriage he sat me down and told me he had a proposition for me. He said his childhood best friend (we will call her amy) and her husband had been struggling to conceive, and recently found out her husband was infertile.

Amy had asked my husband if he could be their sperm donor as "she wanted to know who her baby's father was, and didn't want some anonymous stranger from a sperm bank". I immediately said no, that i was not at all comfortable with that, that i thought it was an absurd request and it was especially off-putting because my husband and amy used date in college before he met me.

He tried to argue with me that it wasn't weird at all, that it was actually the perfect solution to everyones problems, that amy and her husband would get to have a baby, and he would get to have a kid and i wouldnt have to be a mom, and he wouldn't even have to be a full-time parent. I said absolutely not, and we fought about it for about a month.

Eventually he told me that having a kid was now a deal breaker for him, and if he couldn't have a kid he wasn't sure if he would want to stay with me. I was absolutely shocked and devastated, and even though the idea made me incredibly uncomfortable, i caved and said yes because i love my husband more than life itself and couldn't imagine living life with out him.

I told him he could do it, but i wanted absolutely no involvement with the kid or with amy and her husband from this point forward. They went through the whole process and had the kid and my husband kept true to his word, i had no involvement, i never met the kid, and other than him occasionally taking a weekend to spend time with his kid at their place, everything went back to normal.

Fast forward to last week. My husband came up to me and asked me to come to his kids birthday party at Amy and her husbands house. I told him no, that the deal was i wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of them and wanted no part in anything relating to the kid. He kept pushing the issue, saying that he really wanted me there because he loves me and i was important to him and he wanted me to be there for his happy memories.

He begged and pleaded and i ended up saying yes. The day of the party came and i was super uncomfortable from the moment we got there. It was mostly amy and her husbands friends and neighbors and all of their kids, and my husband was glued to amy's side the second he walked through the door. I ended up hanging around the edges of the gathering, trying to be invisible and getting more and more uncomfortable.

My breaking point was when i looked over and saw my husband at the table playing with his kid on his lap and amys arms around his shoulder, laughing. I looked around at this entire second life and second family my husband had and it became too much for me and i ran out the door crying. My husband saw me and ran out after me, asking what was wrong.

I told him how uncomfortable i was, that i never wanted to come to the party, and seeing that he has built an entirely separate family and life apart from me was too much and that i wanted to go home. He started yelling at me that he wasn't going to leave his kids birthday party and that if i knew i was going to have break down over it i should have just stayed home.

By this point the party guests had started coming out to see what the fuss was and he started yelling at me that i was embarrassing him in front of everyone and ruining his kids day. he told me to get my self together and stormed back inside and told everyone to forget about me and come back in and enjoy the party. I ended up calling myself a lyft to my parents house across town and ive been staying here since.

My husbands tried texting me an apology but Im still really upset and hurt and told him i need space. I've been getting messages on facebook and instagram from some of my husbands friends saying i completely over-reacted and ruined the party, and that i shouldn't have left the way i did. AITA here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ProfPlumDidIt said:

Every single time, your husband has backed you into a corner and essentially forced you to give in to his demands under threat of losing him. He hasn't once cared about your feelings or your needs or your wants.

He will only ever get MORE involved with the child, likely will end up having an affair with Amy because they have a "bond" as biological parents. You would be a ton happier without him in the long run.

[deleted] said:

You're still with him because? Because I see someone who is manipulating you. See honey, if you'd just have a kid against your will, this is what I'd have with you. NTA for leaving the party. YTA for staying with this person.

Carolinamama2015 said:

NTA, I don't wanna be debbie downer OP but your marriage is over he lied about wanting kids and then constantly changing his mind of he does want them, then he's okay with not cause he loves you.

Then, he threatens you with divorce if he can't have a child with his ex-girlfriend who happens to be married to his best friend. That sounds like some creepy love triangle. Like what Amy's husband doing while Amy, your husband, and the child played happy family? Then he forces you to go to an event that you knew you'd be uncomfortable at and blames you when you are rightfully uncomfortable.

Now he's trying to love bomb you with apologies, so he looks like the caring husband. Ignore him and my advice. Contact a divorce lawyer. You don't have any kids, so it should be pretty cut and dry

marv115 said:

So let me get this straight, you husband is parenting the kid too? And the other husband is OK with that? So bizarre, also the moment the ultimatum came you should have left, you have change and your expectations have become incompatible.

I still don't get the dynamic with the couple and the kid, sounds a bit like a cuck situation for the other guy. I get the donor thing but such involvement in the parenting is weird also it appears is common knowledge who the bio dad is, again weird.

CrystalQueen3000 said:

YTA to yourself for not divorcing when he gave you the BS ultimatum and had a kid with his ex hookup. Bonkers