'AITA for suggesting to my husband that we put his mother in a home?'
"AITA for suggesting to my husband that we put his mother in a home?"
I (45f) and my husband (56m) are going through a rough patch. Recently, his mother’s (78f) health issues have been getting worse and the doctor has recommended she receive full time care. Previously, she lived alone, but nurses would come every other day to check on her. My husband thinks the best course of action in moving her into our home.
My issue is that I do not want my mother in law living with us. She’s always been very rude to me and my daughter (11f). She was originally against me marrying my husband because we come from two different faiths (he’s Mormon, I’m raised Lutheran but personally agnostic), and because I’m not as “traditional” as she would like me to be.
She is a very traditional woman who believes in rigid gender roles for women. She’s attempted to push this belief on my daughter by making comments about what my daughter wears and does. She has made comments to my daughter like, “wear leggings with your dress, or else you make God upset.
And when God’s upset, he sends people to bad places.” This has made my daughter feel very ashamed and paranoid. She has also expressed disdain for when my daughter said she wanted to become a veterinarian. My mother in law said, “A proper lady should not work outside the home. Focus on raising a family.” (She also hates me because I work, and was very against this.)
She does not hold the same sentiment towards my son (8m). She shows clear favoritism towards my son while consistently criticizing everything my daughter does. While my husband typically defends me in front of his mom, he is adamant we move her into our house. His reasoning is that she is too sick to take care of herself, and his only other brother is ill fit to take care of her (he’s in rehab).
I suggested, “Then put her in a retirement home,” which made him incredible angry. He says that at the end of the day this is his mother, and he has a duty towards her. He promised that if she moves in, he will talk to her about her attitude towards me and our daughter. However, I don’t want to raise my kids anywhere near her.
She has been shaming my daughter, and I barely get along with her.
Last night, out of anger, my husband said, “You can move out of the house, but I’m not moving my mother into a retirement home!” AITA for suggesting my mother in law be sent to a home?
Edit: Since people are asking, we will continue to have nurses check on my mother in law. My husband wants her to move in and switch nurse visits from every other day to everyday.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
jamjar20 wrote:
What no one seems to be considering is that the doctor said she needs full time care. Moving her into your house doesn’t solve that problem unless you or your husband are going to provide the care. A retirement home is the only solution.
Glinda-The-Witch wrote:
NTA. Your husband has a duty to his family, to protect you and his children from his mothers unrealistic expectations and behavior. Tell him that he can move in with his mother and take care of her, but she will not be moving into your home. I suggest you go see an attorney ASAP because I think you’re going to need it. Start putting an exit plan together that includes you staying in the house with the children.
DevilishTiger1221 wrote:
Honestly...call him on his bluff. I'd legitimately look into separate apartments for you and your daughter. He needs to understand the effects this would have on your daughter and technically your son too. He needs to research care giver burnout, he needs to actually look into how much work this will be. And I think he will need the kick in the pants to look at that stuff.
AdGroundbreaking4397 wrote:
NTA he's made it very clear he's choosing his mom over his daughter.
First thing in the morning you go speak to a family lawyer, explain the situation and do what they recommend.
Don't move out unless the lawyer tells you to. You need to do this now to protect you children especially your daughter and you need to do this before he takes on responsibility for his mom which (depending) can change things like, who has to move, how much child support is ordered etc.
PleaseCoffeeMe wrote:
Ask him “who is going to care for your mother? Help her go the bathroom? Give her a bath? Be around during the day in case she needs something? I work full time, we have two young children who need our attention.” Hate saying it out loud, but hubs totally plans on dumping the full time care giver role on you.
Then suggest, “ if you’re adamant about caring for your mother, give it a trial run, you move into her house, you see if you can handle it”. The two of you can sit down with the doctor and find out what she will need for care, the work involved. At the end of the day, you might need to call his bluff and start looking for a home, or if both of you are on the mortgage and deed, talking to a good lawyer. NTA.
Paul-Kersey wrote:
"Last night, out of anger, my husband said, “You can move out of the house, but I’m not moving my mother into a retirement home!”
I mean, that should tell you everything you need to know right there. This is a 1-no/2-yes type situation. NTA.
pixie-ann wrote:
NTA tell your husband to move in with his mother and he can provide her all the care she needs. You will continue your bring up your two children.
Don’t move out. Don’t let that nasty old woman move in.