'AITA for suggesting my sister let her husband take the kids on vacation?' UPDATED
"AITA for suggesting my sister let her husband take the kids on vacation?"
I'm (27M) really curious what people think in this situation. My sister (40F) and her husband (41M) have two kids (9M and 7M). Her husband is in finance, she works for fun for a family friend, so very flexible.
I ran into her husband at Costco and we were talking about how it was summer and what the kids were doing now that they weren't in school. He said they were going to camp, I asked if they were going away anywhere and he said no because my sister wouldn't take time off of work and wouldn't let him take the boys without her.
He was talking about how much he wants to travel with them and how frustrating it is that my sister won't even take a few days off for a long weekend. A little while later, I had a similar conversation with my sister.
I asked about summer plans and she said they didn't really have any because she is working. I asked if taking time off would really be a big deal, she said not really but she just doesn't want to.
I said what about letting your husband take them? (I asked this because I didn't fully believe her husband, he's a great guy but really likes when people feel badly for him. He always has some woe is me type of stuff going on.) She said he wasn't allowed to do that and make those type of memories without her.
I think that's an awful thing to do to the children and her husband. Everyone in that family except for her wants to travel. It's fine if she doesn't want to do it but I don't think she should be stopping them. I gently told her "maybe you could reconsider letting husband and the boys go without you so that they can experience the things they want to do".
She freaked out and started screaming about how no one is ever on her side and how her husband and our mom are narcissists and how I'm going to be one too. It was wild. I apologized and said it was none of my business anyway. We watched some TV and then I went home.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
No one is ever on her side and how her husband and our mom are narcissists.
Uhhh sounds like other stuff might be going on.
I can't speak to her husband, but I don't know if she's correct about my mom. We have a large age gap so things may have been different for her growing up but my sister was always the favorite.
Right now, their conflicts are about how my sister never calls or brings the boys over (they live maybe 15 minutes away). My sister said that since our mom is the mother, she should be the one initiating and reaching out for those things.
NTA. Tell her that her kids are old enough to remember that daddy wanted to take them places and mommy refused because she prefered working over spending time and making memories with them. You should really show her this post and let her read the comments.
Over two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I posted a few weeks ago about my sister who won't take time off of work to go on vacation with her husband because she doesn't want them to have those memories without her. WELL some interesting developments have happened and this will be long.
Background: My sister works but it's unpaid and part-time. She helps out a family friend on their farm. This family friend has farm hands for manual labor, I don't know my sister's day to day tasks, but she's described herself as being the emotional support human to the animals.
She started this job in 2021 after being a SAHM for around 6 years. She has a law degree but never practiced. Her husband has a high paying position at one of the big four. I promise all of this is relevant.
I came back from a short trip and brought some souvenirs for my nephews. I swung by their house Wednesday to drop them off. My BIL and I chatted for a bit, mostly about my trip.
He started talking about how he is going on a work trip and wishes my sister would go with him but that she won't take off of work. I'm just nodding and saying things like "oh, interesting" and "huh" very noncommital because I'm not looking involved again.
Then he starts telling me about her new hobby that she's picked up because of work. Horseback riding. She wants a horse. She is traveling to Europe in a few weeks with the family friend to buy a horse.
Apparently all the best horses come from Europe? She's never expressed any interest in this before but I guess she's a horse-girl now. He said it's going to cost at least 40k to import this horse.
I'm absolutely dumbfounded by this. She won't travel with her husband and kids, she won't let him travel with the kids, but she'll go off to Europe to buy a horse. Somehow my BIL is cool with bankrolling this. 40k is what most people make in a year! I'm not poor but damn, I can't imagine spending that much money on anything other than a car, house, or medical bills.
Then my BIL starts telling me about how he wanted to take the kids somewhere while she's in Europe but she basically said no. He had also suggested turning this into a family trip, they could all go, she could pick out a horse, and then explore a bit.
She nixed that too saying that she didn't want to have to worry about the kids while traveling, it would complicate the trip, and the kids might spook the horses. So he suggested meeting there once she picked out a horse and they could stay there longer.
She declined that too saying she would have to miss work. My BIL was clearly frustrated and upset, I said maybe therapy would help but he said they're already in therapy.
There was a family get together today and my sister was excitedly telling us about her upcoming trip and the horses she's planning to look at. My mom asked her how her husband felt about all this and my sister said "I've decided to stop taking his feelings into account."
My mom then pointed out that that probably isn't a good attitude to have towards your husband especially when he pays for everything she wants. My sister said this was something she needed because she's so overwhelmed and stressed these days. My mom did not react well to this. She raised her voice at my sister.
She told her "I have no idea what you have to be stressed about. Your husband pays for a housekeeper, he pays for a nanny, you don't need to worry about money, your work isn't mentally or physically taxing. Your husband is an active father who pulls his weight. All I ever hear from you is complaints about how hard your life is."
My sister got pissed and they were both yelling over each other. Thank God the kids were playing with their dad outside because my sister started saying how she regrets having children and that they've ruined her life.
I was shocked because her kids are smart, funny, well-behaved, mostly self-sufficient, and overall just great kids. I also don't understand why she would oppose her husband traveling with just the kids if she regretted them. Wouldn't that give her time away from them?
Anyway, the whole thing ended when my sister told my mom she's a narcissist, that it's her fault she's like this and that my mom hates seeing her happy. My mom told my sister to get out of the house off her property immediately.
On her way out, my sister said to me "you should have defended me but you just stood there. You're just as bad as mom." WTF?! I don't want to get involved in any of this drama but I'm not sure if I should give her husband a heads up about what she said about the kids. They're in therapy together, I assume this must be a topic they've discussed. Idk, it's all so strange, my sister isn't normally like this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She probably having affair.
My money is on this.... plus she doesn't want to give up the gravy train she's got. Personally I'd privately/quietly tell her husband. If he is carrying the weight??? He deserves to know. Especially if she is having an affair. Your sister called your mother a narcissist... your sister needs to look in the mirror.
The start of this update I was thinking she’s having an affair and the Europe trip is really her going with her AP. I almost doubt she’s actually going to buy a horse. You definitely need to tell BIL what she said about the kids. Honestly he should just divorce her.
She's not going to Europe to BUY a stud, she's going WITH her stud.
Later the same day, the OP returned with another update.
I wasn't expecting to make an update less than a day later. My plan was to take a day or two to think about what exactly to say to my BIL. Turns out I didn't need to do anything because my mom beat me to it. It may have gotten buried in the comments but our parents split due to our Dad's infidelity.
After the fight yesterday, my mom also suspected my sister was having an affair. She called my BIL this morning, told him what my sister said and her suspicions. My BIL called me to confirm what my mom said was true. When I told him it was, he asked if I could take the kids for the day so he could talk to my sister.
I don't know the details of what happened between them but when I brought my nephews back my sister's car was gone. My BIL and I talked outside for a bit. I asked how he was doing. He said "Pretty terrible. I found out my wife freaking hates us."
He doesn't know for sure if there was a physical affair but there were flirtty messages with the family friend on her phone and texts describing a deep hatred for her life. He said when he tried to talk to her about it she just completely shut down and left. He's heartbroken. I think divorce is inevitable and I know my BIL is going to fight like hell for his kids. They're his world.
I don't know where my sister is. She didn't tell him where she was going and hasn't reached out. I'm assuming she's with the family friend. I hope she's safe. A few people asked why my BIL didn't suspect an affair. The family friend is a woman and my sister has never really been LGBTQ+ friendly so it's quite unexpected.
I'm deeply saddened by this outcome. It's hard to put my feelings into words. There is a large age gap between my sister and I. She started dating her (ex?) husband when I was 3.
So practically my whole life I've known them as a unit and thought they were rock-solid. I'm wondering what holidays will be like now, so much is going to shift. My mom is furious that my sister would take this path knowing what infidelity does.
She's irrevocably damaged her relationship with my sister and I don't know if they'll ever speak again. I feel guilt about not manning up and saying something before my mom did.
Maybe she could still have a relationship with her only daughter if I had been the one to say something. I'm absolutely devastated for my nephews. I'm sure they're confused.
I remember the feeling of abandonment and fury after my Dad left and know how much that has impacted my life and relationships. I hate that they have to have to experience it too. My heart is just incredibly heavy.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I sure hope he cancelled the horse purchase/Europe trip.
Sorry this is the update but your BIL deserved to be told so he can move on. The only one at fault is your sister! She is the one who blew this marriage up with her actions.
TBH this is the best outcome for BIL. He wouldn’t have taken the plunge to get out of a toxic and abusive relationship unless if some sort of infidelity was involved, Now I just hope he gets a divorce, full custody (with child support). He is the only one who cares about the kids. Your sister obviously doesn’t.