Family divided as bride chooses late grandfather’s anniversary for wedding despite grandmother’s pleas. AITA?
"AITA for suggesting to my sister her daughter should change her wedding date?"
My niece wants to get married next year on my parents' anniversary, which she sees as an honor, especially since my dad passed away in 2022. He was like a father to her and she's disappointed that he will not be there to walk her down the aisle.
However, my mom told her she is not thrilled about this decision and would prefer she pick a different date. To begin with, my mom has said it feels like the date is being taken away from her, that it will no longer be a day about her and her late husband, but about my niece and her new husband.
She has stated it will be very hard for her to be at a wedding on what should have been her 56th anniversary and not have her husband at her side. When I asked my sister (my niece's mother) if she chose a different date, I was told that unless the venue can't do that date, there are no plans to change it.
I tried to explain to her that our mom was not honored by this decision or happy and she should change the date, but her response was "but it's to honor dad." I said there are other ways to honor our dad and make him a part of the moment without taking this day away from our mom.
It doesn't seem right to do something to honor one person (who is dead) at the expense of someone who has to go through the emotional/painful moment. I was basically told that my niece has her reasons for wanting that date and the day will be hard regardless but the wedding with make it a happy memory. Basically I was told to just deal with it.
Am I in the wrong to suggest she choose a different date since it is hurtful to my mom? I just don't understand how she can see it as an honor to do it on their anniversary when my mom has said she's not happy about it and might actually be hurt by the decision.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NAH since I can see both sides of things, but respectfully, this is not your wedding. Your mom is an adult and can speak directly with your niece if she feels she needs to do that. Neither you nor your sister needs to be involved in this decision.
According to OP, mom HAS talked with them and they are ignoring her feelings. Okay. So OP was helping by reiterating how mom feels only for those feelings to be ignored again. So, yes, OP should now stay out of it. But don't worry; OP will be there when sister and niece start complaining that mom/grandmother isn't coming to the wedding and they don't understand why...
NTA. "I can't tell you what to do, it's your wedding and your choice. But I can tell you that hurting the person my father loved for five decades would not honor him. It would make him incredibly sad to know that my mom was in unnecessary pain and forced to smile and pretend she isn't. You do what you want, but you're doing it for you. Not Dad."
INFO: Has your mother actually said anything about her feelings to her daughter or granddaughter about this? Why are you involved?
EclecticHedgehog710 (OP)
Yes, my mom had said something to my niece. When my sister texted me that they were looking at venues, I asked if they had changed the date, knowing my mom had said she wasn't happy.
When I was told they were continuing to with the original plan, and shared that with my mom, I was just reiterating what my mom was saying as she doesn't text, so I was trying to speak on her behalf.
NTA I think your niece is using the ‘it’s to honor them’ as something to fall back on rather than it be the genuine intention. “The wedding will make it a happy memory.” This rubs me the wrong way because I feel like it’s implying that any grief associated with that day from your mother is going to be frowned on. It will be a happy day for the niece’s side, but what about grandma?
NTA for suggesting a couple of times, but at this point, you’ve made your argument, they clearly don’t care, and they need to deal with the consequences. You’ll be TA for pushing it further.
Out of curiosity, you say that your father was like a dad to your niece. Was she also close to your mom? The only reason for doing things like this that I can see is that your niece loved her grandfather, but isn’t particularly close to her grandma.
NTA. I understand why you wanted to advocate for your mother in this. It sucks that your mother talked to your niece, and your niece doesn't care about her POV, but at this point you've done everything you can. If your niece doesn't care about her grandmother's feelings, your sister can't do anything about that. Honoring the dead at the expense of the living is really tacky.
NTA if the niece just randomly picked this day, then fine don’t interfere - but niece claims the day was specially picked to honor her grandparents and the half that would be in attendance doesn’t feel it is an honour. Honestly, how ridiculous to say you are honouring someone by doing something to specifically upset them.
It's hard to see how it's honoring a dead husband to plan a wedding on the date of his anniversary and hurting his surviving wife. One doubts that he's looking down from Heaven and going, "Cool, hurt my wife, baby girl! That's the way to honor my memory."
I see you as trying to protect your mother from more pain than she's already experiencing. I see you as a terrific daughter. I see you as honoring your father's memory by trying to do good in the world and reduce the pain of people you care about.
Your niece, OTOH, wow...What an A. Not because she foolishly made this plan with the happy memory rationale that sort of denigrates the pain of the loss, but because she was told she was hurting your mother and she didn't give a damn. Stay with your mom that weekend. Do not honor your niece's hurtful decision. NTA.