'AITA for telling my husband good luck finding a supermodel GF now that he's unemployed?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband good luck finding a supermodel girlfriend now that he's unemployed?"

Throwawaydreagirls

I (46F) have spent the past 21 years in a very emotionally repressive marriage with my husband (50M). There always seemed to be something new that I fell short of. We have 6 kids together (19M, 17F, 14F, 13M, 11F, and 10M).

My husband had wanted 6 kids, and I wanted 4 at the most. I was made to feel bad about the fact that I had " made" him compromise with 5 kids, and our youngest son was a surprise baby.

His LDS church family and friends looked down on the use of pain medication to " cheat" situations. They said that the mother's body was built for natural birth, so my husband was upset I opted for an epidural with our fifth and sixth.

He refused to consider any form of outside childcare for our kids, and insisted I do not work. I felt pressured to be the perfect housewife who never made the same dish twice in a week, ever.

But worst of all is the fact that after our first child was born I learned the extent of my husband's obsession with his ex. I'm medium height and have to work to keep fit. His ex was tall and rail thin, and they shared a love of skiing.

They broke up when she was 23 and he was 24, and he's always in conversation with friends, described ideal beautiful women as that 22 or so year old who is tall, super thin, and super athletic.

When I told him to stop describing his ex as his definition of beauty, he'd say " Your inability to change your height is your problem." He asked if he should start claiming that Boise, Idaho is the best vacation spot ever, better than Paris and Milan because Boise's my hometown and we wouldn't want to hurt my feelings for the sake of objectivity now.

My husband was laid off in late 2020, got a job in May 2021. He was laid off from that job December 2023 and is having ego issues because everybody interviewing him is younger than him.

I had the opportunity to provide childcare for 2 neighborhood kids but he shot the opportunity down, saying the money I'd make is insignificant. I tried to help him manage his job applications.

That's where the big fight happened- he ranted that there's no way a 36 year old knows close to what he knows about the industry. So there's no way he's going to waste time being interviewed by a mid thirties idiot recruiter.

And then he started saying that this would be easier if I had some earning potential. I was angry because he wanted a traditional dynamic and now this. I said it's funny he thinks a 36 year old knows nothing but that his ex, back when she was 23, already was this all knowing genius, not to mention gorgeous.

He replied that she at least has things to capitalize off of. I replied that I'm done and good luck finding his supermodel ideal as an unemployable 50 year old. He screamed " Thanks for kicking me when I'm down!"

AITA? I've often asked him how he'd feel if I started obsessing about the CEOs of the world compared to him. He claims that's completely different and another projection on my part.

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

TwinZylander214

INFO: why did you stay with such a sexist AH?

qlohengrin

And had six kids with him.

Throwawaydreagirls OP responded:

Because at the time, I was told by my community in Idaho that I was already way too old to still be unmarried at 25, and if I divorced him there's no way I could remarry within the community because everybody under 35 were all paired off, and people older than that would still think there was something wrong with me for not just being divorced, but also not marrying somebody I met in high school at 19.

I honestly felt that at 25 and soon to be married, but especially at 27, after I had my son that I had no ability to remarry. I know now how wrong the LDS thinking is and feel like I am better suited for dating now than I was at 25, and would be more suited to be chosen as a partner even if my 25 year old insecure former self was standing side by side with me.

And to be chosen by somebody thoughtful and mature since I am finally able to think for myself and figure out how to make tough situations work.

tofuvixen

Out of curiosity were there clues that this man was a jerk and sexist before you married him? Also why did you have 5 more kids after you found out he was obsessed with his ex?

I’m honestly confused by your question. You outlined an absolute jerk of a husband but want to know if you’re an AH for taking a jab at him after all that?… No you’re NTA. Your marriage sounds wild and your husband sounds like trash.

I would encourage you to stand up to him more often. He can’t take opportunities away from you without some degree of submission and acceptance from you. He is trash and you deserve better treatment.

PeyroniesCat

“Your age and unfortunate tendency to be laid off are your problem.”

ConcertinaTerpsichor

I think you know you are NTA, but I am more focused on what your needs right now. I think you need to find a support team to help you manage this situation right now. He’s verbally abusing you (and by extension your children.) He’s having an emotional meltdown.

Are you financially secure? Are you physically secure? Do you have an attorney? Do you have a trusted friend or counselor who can be a support and can help you figure out your options, short and long term? Life’s too short to put up with this guy’s nonsense.

Throwawaydreagirls OP responded:

I have basically scraped up all the knowledge I have from the courses I took when I was in community college before I met my husband to try to analyze our finances. They've been much less complicated since there's been no income coming in. As I said before, there was an opportunity of a home daycare of sorts, but that opportunity passed because of my husband dismissing it.

But leaning into social connections to see if any other moms want to drop off their kids while they go on a date night or have things come up for work since they know me and the kids. I am trying to look for a lawyer. I don't know I could pay for only paralegals to help handle the divorce or not, or if that's only for low conflict divorcing couples.

ThatGirl_Tasha

As someone who grew up LDS, I also had six children with a misogynistic a**hole. Gave birth at home to all without so much as an Advil, made bread starting from grinding the stupid wheat, breastfeed them all into toddlerhood, and babied my husband's sad little fragile, delicate ego for every little ego boo boo, while he belittled me at every turn.

I thought divorce was only for other people. I thought I could never live with myself if I did such a thing. Turns out, finalizing my divorce after 29 years was absolutely fantastic. I live with myself just fine.

In the comments OP gave these updates:

I am planning to file for divorce to be honest, it feels bad to admit, but as much as I fear for my future, I also am pretty excited because I'm getting out of this chokehold I've been in for years.

I feel even if there's a lot of setbacks I can find a way to make money and date whoever, and anything romantically (whether a boytoy, CEO, or just a regular mature man) or career wise could materialize if I work hard enough and am humble.

I am looking into attorneys now, and would rather just do it while we both still have some life to live, some bits of youth left inside of us even if we seem " old" to 30 year olds.

I do take back the thing about " good luck finding a supermodel" in that I hope he does end up finding somebody to make him happy if only so he'll be a more tolerable person, and I feel I deserve somebody mature and ambitious for more than just cheap ego thrills.