'AITA for deliberately 'misunderstanding' my partner regarding our kid's name?' UPDATED

"AITA for deliberately 'misunderstanding' my child's father regarding our kid's name?"

Careless-Hornet-4343

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I'm not married.

We've been together a while, and I've given many compromises in this relationship.

While discussing baby's name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough. The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone.

I offered to hyphenate because, logistically, it's easier for the baby to have both of our names. He's been drinking the red pill Kool-aid lately - a large bone of contention in this relationship - and went off about how it's 'tradition' and 'the right thing to to' and 'his right as a man' to have the baby have his surname.

He told me I'd be emasculating him and I may as well be a single parent if I won't grant him this one little ask. 'My word is final - baby's having one surname'. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn't have it in me to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

FF to 3 weeks ago when baby's birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I'd given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname.

This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did - but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it.

When we bought up tradition, I told him it's also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that, I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too - and I pointed out other holes in his logic.

I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn't work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child.

He said the baby should only have one surname - they do. So why's he mad? He went crying to his brothers and mother - all 'traditionalists' and misogynists - and now they're all up in arms. AITA?

Also, there seems to be some confusion - we are not married or engaged. I don't believe in it, and he's never seen the point of 'bring the state into your relationship', so we agreed to never marry.

He's on the birth certificate as the father - baby just has my last name but father is listed. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be asking him to come for a talk so I can plainly address the issues you guys have helped me see. Thank you for that.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

cordelia1955

NTA. You told the truth and nothing more. If I read your post correctly, you agreed the baby would have one surname. You didn't agree to which one. So, why are you still with this guy? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't provide for you and the baby?

Please don't say because you need him or love him. Needing him is like a fish needing a bicycle. If his family is of the same mindset, things will NOT get better so don't try to talk yourself into believing that they will. Go find someone who deserves you and your child or go it on your own if you can and want. Lots of women do.

While it's true that children statistically do better socially, scholastically and generally otherwise with two parent families, your child does not need to learn misogyny, disrespect and selfishness which could easily degenerate over time to emotional or verbal abuse.

You obviously don't agree with him on very basic, fundamental issues that are the foundation of a family. He can stay involved with the baby if he wants to--I'm betting he won't if you don't give in to his wishes-- but you would be wise to break off your relationship before it damages you and your child.

Careless-Hornet-4343 OP responded:

I am reconsidering the relationship. The truth is he wasn't always like this. He fell on hard times and unfortunately chose to cope with that in an unhealthy way. At his core, I believe he is of good but I need to have a frank conversation about the ideologies he's leaning into and the harm it's causing in our relationship.

freefaall

Was he not there when you were filling out the forms? Cause that's pretty telling too 👀 NTA. What to name the baby is definitely a valid conversation to have, but he wasn't having a conversation with you. He was trying to bulldoze you without compromise.

Careless-Hornet-4343 OP responded:

I registered the baby on my own. He was there for the birth and everything but his paternity leave was pretty short so the admin of registering fell on me.

MyCouchPulzOut_IDont

Honestly - no matter what the sex of the baby is - get your son/daughter out of there. You DO NOT want them growing up in this environment. It's not "tradition" it's oppression and your kid is going to grow up learning they either need to be sneaky or bow down to dad's wishes to keep the peace.

Aggravating_Web7273

NTA, you are unmarried and I’m assuming will likely be the default parent. He doesn’t uphold any other traditional practices from your perspective until it benefits him. That’s definitely a pretty selfish trait in him.

When the baby has the same last name as mom, it makes things a lot easier with travel, doctors, legal issues, etc. Also when most people talk about babies or bring them up, nobody is calling the baby by their first and last name 😂 Enjoy your new baby and if needed down the line if you get married to this man or someone else you can always change the last name.

Update from OP 1 month later:

so it turns out he’s got deep-seated resentment for me lol. he resents me for: earning more money than him, being further in my career than he is, having parents who love and support me, not being a submissive woman (lol), having a present and loving father, not combining our finances thus making him feel small...

so when i last came here, i said i’d asked him to come home and discuss our future with baby, preferably in the presence of a neutral party. he left me on read for a few days though i could see he was spying on us through the ring door bell and baby’s monitor. i disconnected them both and he finally responded 🫠

he came home very irate and rejected my offer to have a neutral facilitator for the conversation. i asked how we're supposed to move forward and the rant above came out in a full mask off moment. any hope i had that you guys were wrong about him died that day.

he again rejected the offer to hyphenate baby’s surname. apparently i’m ‘disrespectful’ and ‘insolent’ for refusing to ‘do what’s right’ and give baby their ‘rightful’ surname.

i told him i won’t go through the administrative nightmare of having a different surname to my child, and lots of data shows a double barrelled surname is social currency that has positive connotations. nope - he wouldn’t budge. i told him neither would i - baby either has both our surnames or mine alone.

he asked if this was a hill i wanted this relationship to end on, if i was prepared to throw half a decade down the drain over my ‘silly little feminism’. i told him i wasn’t sure there was anything left to fight for. we broke up. thankfully, our - in his name - lease expires end of may. i called my dad and he came to help me back up baby.

i messaged him to suggest we still need couple’s counselling: we need to learn to be co-parents and they can help us establish a healthy way of doing that. he again said no to that so

my mum wanted to take me and baby on a baby moon holiday after this stressful period but he would grant permission for me to take baby abroad :)))))))

it’s going to be a long road ahead. i’ve instructed a lawyer to help us set up a formal agreement to avoid this in the future. he’s not responding to correspondance from the lawyer so that’s fun. he’s sulking - used to do this a lot when things didn’t go his way. i hope he’ll soon realise i no longer have time for his bs and i won’t be toyed with because i called his bluff and ended the relationship

to end on a bright note, the house i wanted us to buy a couple of years ago - which he talked me out of until he was back on his feet again despite us being able to afford it on my salary alone - is back on the market! i took it as fate: it’s time to move on from this man!

it’s a beautiful Victorian terrace near good schools, good transport links, a small garden and close to my parents. it’d be the perfect home for baby and i. i put in an offer in - wish me luck!