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Woman 'deliberately misunderstands' child's father surname demand, gives her name. AITA?

Woman 'deliberately misunderstands' child's father surname demand, gives her name. AITA?

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"AITA for deliberately misunderstanding my child's father?"

Careless-Hornet-4343

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I'm not married.

We've been together a while, and I've given many compromises in this relationship.

While discussing baby's name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough. The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone.

I offered to hyphenate because, logistically, it's easier for the baby to have both of our names. He's been drinking the red pill Kool-aid lately - a large bone of contention in this relationship - and went off about how it's 'tradition' and 'the right thing to to' and 'his right as a man' to have the baby have his surname.

He told me I'd be emasculating him and I may as well be a single parent if I won't grant him this one little ask. 'My word is final - baby's having one surname'. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn't have it in me to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

FF to 3 weeks ago when baby's birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I'd given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname.

This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did - but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it.

When we bought up tradition, I told him it's also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that, I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too - and I pointed out other holes in his logic.

I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn't work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child.

He said the baby should only have one surname - they do. So why's he mad? He went crying to his brothers and mother - all 'traditionalists' and misogynists - and now they're all up in arms. AITA?

Also, there seems to be some confusion - we are not married or engaged. I don't believe in it, and he's never seen the point of 'bring the state into your relationship', so we agreed to never marry.

He's on the birth certificate as the father - baby just has my last name but father is listed. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be asking him to come for a talk so I can plainly address the issues you guys have helped me see. Thank you for that.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

cordelia1955

NTA. You told the truth and nothing more. If I read your post correctly, you agreed the baby would have one surname. You didn't agree to which one. So, why are you still with this guy? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't provide for you and the baby?

Please don't say because you need him or love him. Needing him is like a fish needing a bicycle. If his family is of the same mindset, things will NOT get better so don't try to talk yourself into believing that they will. Go find someone who deserves you and your child or go it on your own if you can and want. Lots of women do.

While it's true that children statistically do better socially, scholastically and generally otherwise with two parent families, your child does not need to learn misogyny, disrespect and selfishness which could easily degenerate over time to emotional or verbal abuse.

You obviously don't agree with him on very basic, fundamental issues that are the foundation of a family. He can stay involved with the baby if he wants to--I'm betting he won't if you don't give in to his wishes-- but you would be wise to break off your relationship before it damages you and your child.

The OP responded here:

Careless-Hornet-4343

I am reconsidering the relationship. The truth is he wasn't always like this. He fell on hard times and unfortunately chose to cope with that in an unhealthy way. At his core, I believe he is of good but I need to have a frank conversation about the ideologies he's leaning into and the harm it's causing in our relationship.

freefaall

Was he not there when you were filling out the forms? Cause that's pretty telling too 👀 NTA. What to name the baby is definitely a valid conversation to have, but he wasn't having a conversation with you. He was trying to bulldoze you without compromise.

The OP again responded:

Careless-Hornet-4343

I registered the baby on my own. He was there for the birth and everything but his paternity leave was pretty short so the admin of registering fell on me.

MyCouchPulzOut_IDont

Honestly - no matter what the sex of the baby is - get your son/daughter out of there. You DO NOT want them growing up in this environment. It's not "tradition" it's oppression and your kid is going to grow up learning they either need to be sneaky or bow down to dad's wishes to keep the peace.

Aggravating_Web7273

NTA, you are unmarried and I’m assuming will likely be the default parent. He doesn’t uphold any other traditional practices from your perspective until it benefits him. That’s definitely a pretty selfish trait in him.

When the baby has the same last name as mom, it makes things a lot easier with travel, doctors, legal issues, etc. Also when most people talk about babies or bring them up, nobody is calling the baby by their first and last name 😂 Enjoy your new baby and if needed down the line if you get married to this man or someone else you can always change the last name.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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