'AITA for refusing to pay for my friend's birthday dinner? She 'surprised' me with the bill.'
"AITA for refusing to pay for my friend's birthday dinner? She 'surprised' me with the bill."
My best friend "Jenna" (31F) and I (32F) have been close since college, but our financial situations are very different. I have a stable, well-paying job, and while she works hard, she's in a lower-paying field and often struggles with money. I'm always happy to treat her to a coffee or lunch, but recently it's gotten out of hand.
For her birthday this year, Jenna said she wanted to get our group of 6 friends together for a "special dinner." She picked a very trendy, expensive restaurant that I would never choose myself.
When I mentioned the price, she just waved it off and said, "It's my birthday, we have to celebrate in style!" The whole group agreed, and I felt like a jerk for worrying about the cost, so I let it go.
The dinner was fine, but throughout the night, Jenna kept making jokes like, "Don't worry, Anna's got this, she's the CEO of the group!" and ordered several expensive bottles of wine for the table. I felt increasingly uncomfortable.
At the end of the meal, the server came over and said, "Jenna told me to give the bill directly to you." They placed a bill for over 800$ in front of me. The entire table went quiet and looked at me. Jenna just smiled and said, "Surprise! My birthday gift to myself is having my best friend treat us all!"
I was stunned. I looked at the bill, then at her, and said, calmly, "Jenna, I can't pay for this. I didn't agree to this. I will pay for my share and a portion of your meal as a gift, but that's it."
She immediately burst into tears. She accused me of deliberately embarrassing her in front of our friends to prove some kind of point about money. She said she thought I would be happy to do this for her and that I was being selfish and ruining her birthday.
Two of our friends sided with her, saying I was being cheap and should have just paid it to avoid a scene. I ended up Venmo-requesting everyone for their share, which caused a huge argument.
The next day, she posted a vague story on Instagram about how "some people value money more than friendship." Now half our friend group isn't speaking to me. I feel awful for how it all went down, but I also feel like I was put in an impossible situation. AITA for refusing to pay???
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. She valued money over friendship otherwise she wouldn't be trying to take advantage of your better financial situation. Your checkbook is not hers to use. The only thing I would have suggested is that you should have spoken up when she kept 'joking' about you 'having this'. And your friends siding with her, tell them great, they can cover it.
Yes. I wouldn't have paid the bill. I would have told her here's how much I'm paying. This was my share plus heres 50 bucks towards your dinner. Everybody else can contribute their own share. I didn't invite anybody out and I didn't offer to pay. Hopefully some of those venmo's will get you some money back. I'm guessing they won't all.
But the best solution would have been to nip it in the bud the first time she said it. It was obvious she was telling everyone you were going to pay. The first time she mentioned it you should have said something like yeah that's a good joke! As if! If she said it again, you could have pushed back even harder. You need to learn to speak up.
Tight-Metal433 (OP)
You're so right. I kept telling myself they were just awkward jokes and I didn't want to cause a scene by calling her out. I should have addressed it right then and there. Maybe it would have prevented the ambush at the end. And ha, I wish I'd had the presence of mind to tell the other friends they could cover her share. That's brilliant. Thank you for the advice—it's a hard lesson learned.
I don’t think that’s overreacting I think Jenna put you in a situation that was a complete witch move just because you make more doesn’t mean you HAVE to pay for everything.
Tight-Metal433 (OP)
That's exactly it, isn't it? It's not about the money, it's the entitlement. To have your best friend see you not as a person, but as a walking checkbook... and then to put you on the spot like that in front of everyone. It's a special kind of betrayal. It’s a painful way to find out what someone really thinks of you.
They aren’t your friend but jenna certainly isn’t. Of course people will side with her they wanted you to pay it. Never go out with them again.
Tight-Metal433 (OP)
Of course they sided with her. They wanted a free ride too It just feels so terrible to realize your friends' loyalty is that cheap. Really sucks.
NTA. Just gonna say, what the f. “Omg I surprised you on my birthday, and the surprise is you’re gonna pay the 800$ bill!!” These stories on Reddit make me lose faith in humanity on how selfish people can be wtf!
Your "friend" resents you for being more stable. This was an act of passive aggressive vengeance. The friends not speaking to you are no friends either. You don't do this to a true friend, it was rude, inappropriate and entitled. NTA.
NTA. She is embarrassed because her attempt at using peer pressure and social manipulation failed. And she should be, that is the correct emotional reaction when one is an AH to their supposed friend. SHE made it about money by forcing you to pay or make a scene.
I am very poor, and I have some extremely rich friends. And I would never ever even dream of doing this. In fact, it would be rare that I would even allow them to pay for lunch. I certainly wouldn't expect it.