Woman stands by decision to help friend instead of estranged sister with surrogacy. AITA?
"AITA for being a gestational carrier (surrogate) for my best friend but not a surrogate for my sister?"
I (33F) am child free by choice but when my best friend Keira (32F) was unable to carry any of her pregnancies to term I offered to be a gestational carrier for her. Meaning I carried the biological child of her and her husband for them.
This was all done privately so my not having children was not an issue. I wanted to do this for Keira and I knew any children they could have would be loved. They are now the parents of three children and they're so happy.
My parents could not believe I did this for Keira. They asked me how I could "give away my child" and I told them the babies were never mine. They asked if I didn't bond and I said not in the way they were thinking of. I was like an excited aunt who was looking forward to seeing the baby and I loved the babies in that way. But they never felt like mine.
My sister Lauren (35F) has struggled to get pregnant and after extensive tests and other things she has come to realize she cannot have biological children. Lauren and I were never close and we might see each other once every three years but rarely more than that. I only know about her struggles because of our parents.
However, a few weeks ago my parents, Lauren and her husband asked to speak to me and they told me they wanted me to be a surrogate. They want me to be the biological mother and carry a baby for Lauren and her husband.
It was thrown in my face before they gave me the chance to respond being asked that I had done it for a friend like that was somehow an awful thing to do for a friend. But I was also told since I don't want kids it would be far less complicated and won't result in weird half sibling but also cousin relationships and it would make my sister happy.
Lauren said if she'd known I was carrying babies for Keira she would have insisted I do it for her first. I told her Keira's my best friend, we're very close, and I pointed out we hadn't seen each other in two years when I was being asked. My parents said it would be more cruel to do it for a friend but not my own sister.
They also said I would be the best way for Lauren and her husband to have a baby that's both of them because as her full sister we're genetically as close as we could ever be without being twins and I was told it would be best for the child to be related genetically to my sister. I told them I wasn't comfortable being a biological mother and I wasn't going to give up my body for just anyone.
They didn't like hearing it but Lauren is not someone I will ever be close to and she's not important like Keira is to me for this to be something I'd consider. But now my parents are furious about it and they said I should put my sister above everything. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. Just say one final "NO" and refuse to engage in any further discussion.
NTA. Your sister and parents have some chutzpah. Plus they're not thinking this through or thinking about your emotional health. Many women who have donated their egg and carried to term like this found it agonizing to release the baby and some refused to.
Bloody hell like already having birthed three children wasn't enough! Nta, doesn't even sound like asked so much as demanded. Id refuse on that alone, even if I was close to said imaginary sister.
MarsupialFull5655 (OP)
If I'd birthed three for Lauren it would be different but apparently doing it for the "wrong person" means I can keep doing it. Only this time with my own eggs.
Yeeeaaah they also tried to claim your genetic material without asking. Super fucked up and entitled. Please buy a carton of eggs, write your name on them and give them to her the next time she ambushes you. And then tell us about it.
NTA. Your not obligated to put her health in danger for anyone, let alone someone you don’t even have a close relationship with.
NTA. I love how distant family always comes out of the blue to ask for favors after years of not having a relationship. I am sure Lauren didn’t start with I know we are not close or have a relationship and I am sorry about that and will like to change it. It will mean the world to me if you would consider being our surrogate. Why cant they use her eggs or embryos for it?
MarsupialFull5655 (OP)
It sounds like her eggs are one of the problems. The other is her ability to carry. But I don't know all the details.
NTA - there’s a huge difference between carrying a baby that is not yours and carrying a baby that IS yours… regardless, you don’t need to justify your reasons for not being a handmaid for your sister.
MarsupialFull5655 (OP)
I understand that wish. The day after I was asked I woke up hoping it was some weird dream. Sadly they think they're totally reasonable.
You've told them your answer. No matter how many times you repeat it, they will continue to tell you that you're terrible. NTA. Time to go LC with parents and NC with sister and BIL.
Lauren doesn’t get to claim dibs on your uterus whenever she wants, especially when she only attempts to spend time with you when she wants something. She also doesn’t get to criticize you for doing it for your friend who’s more like your sister than Lauren ever was. Your parents should feel ashamed that they want to force you to be your sister’s personal incubator so they can have grandchildren. NTA.