Surrogate for sister bans men from delivery room, 'she agreed to have her husband wait outside.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister as her surrogate that her husband can’t be in the room while I’m in labor?"
CW: SA
I (30F) told my sister (34F) that I don’t feel comfortable with her husband being in the room while I give birth to their child. My sisters been engaged to her husband for about 6 years now, and ever since she was a teen she’s always expressed the want to have a family. About 3 years ago my sister found out she was infertile after trying for a kid for over a year.
This was obviously devastating for her and as her sister I’ve felt horrible. Maybe a year ago she had started seeking out surrogates, but after being unsuccessful she resorted to asking me. At first I was hesitant, but as her sister I hated to see her so desperate for a child, so I told her I’d be open and willing with no expense. I want to make it clear that I’ve never had any issues with her husband, but I made it very clear to my sister before I became her surrogate that I do not want ANY men in the room during labor, as I was a previous SA victim in which I was taken advantage of by multiple men while purposely put under the influence, which was extremely traumatic and am still recovering.
My sister had agreed to having her husband wait outside, and so I was okay with it as well. But, about a month before my due date her husband called and asked me if I’d requested him not to be in the room during child labor. I had explained to him that I did and that it was no personal issues I had with him, and that having any men around me during a state of vulnerability like child labor would be extremely triggering. He quickly got mad and said that I don’t have the right nor the say in determining whether or not he as the father can be in the room.
I told him I wouldn’t change my mind and that even though it was his kid, that I was the one giving birth. He continued to scream at me and abruptly hung up. Later on in the day my sister had came to my house, accusing me of disrespecting her husband and saying that after a lot of thinking she thought it to be unfair and ignorant to ban her husband from seeing me give birth to their child. I then yelled at her, telling her that it was cruel and selfish how she was willing to let her husband in the room after knowing everything I had gone through previously with assault.
She then basically told me that after her baby was born she’d stop talking to me for good. It’s now currently 2 weeks before my due date and I’m still very persistent on not having any men in the room, and quite frankly am fine with not speaking to my sister if she continues to be close-minded, am I the A-hole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Upset_Sink_2649 said:
NTA. Be clear with hospital personnel regarding who is and who isn't allowed in your room while you labor and give birth and don't hesitate to ask for them to be removed if it becomes necessary. Consider having a friend (not a relative) there with you who can support you and advocate for you if necessary.
Consider also granting this friend temporary power of attorney over medical decisions should you become incapacitated and are unable to express your wishes. Sounds a bit fatalistic, but it is better to be prepared -I don't think you want your sister to be calling the shots over your health if there's an emergency given how dismissive she's been about your needs and wellbeing.
CheckIntelligent7828 said:
NTA. Your sister and her husband are forgetting their place. The baby may be theirs, but your body isn't. They have NO say in your labor and delivery. You control that. Entirely. Honestly, at this point I might not allow either of them in the delivery room. They certainly haven't earned it.
My husband and I worked with a wonderful surrogate (unsuccessfully, unfortunately). We would have moved heaven and earth to give her ANYTHING she needed to feel comfortable before, during, after labor and delivery.
Tell the nurses and the hospital who is allowed in and who is not. Don't let your sister force you to do anything you don't want to. You are already giving them the absolutely greatest gift and blessing one person can give another. That they are so tremendously ungrateful does not speak well of them. I hope your delivery is smooth and fast.
mynewusername10 said:
Like carrying and delivering the kid isn't good enough for them? Holy crap, your sister and her spouse are major ah's. I wouldn't want either one of them in the room at this point. Has your sister always been entitled and ungrateful? NTA at all.
Jokester_316 said:
NTA, you should also exclude your sister from the delivery room. You are the patient. Your comfort and care are paramount in this situation. They can wait another 30 minutes before they see the baby. It's clear from your sister's messages that she will discard you as soon as the baby is delivered. This is the thanks you get for doing such a selfless act for her. I can't comprehend her entitlement.
murphy2345678 said:
NTA. Guess who also is excluded? Your sister! She doesn’t get to treat you like this and expect to be there. The purpose of the person in the room is to support you. She isn’t going to do that. She is going to try and convince you when you are in an extremely vulnerable position.
bigbiddygothbih said:
NTA if anything tell your sister that she too is banned from being in the delivery room since she was aware of what happened to you. It’s your delivery room so you get to decide who’s in there or not. I’m wishing you a safe birth and recovery.
ConvivialKat said:
NTA. But you chose a really hard way to learn one of life's most important lessons: NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. You are giving your sister and her husband an incredible gift. You literally risked your life to grow them a living human. And this is how they repay you. They are slime.
Absolute effing slime. Tell your sister she gets to wait outside with her husband and remove her from the delivery room approved list. I hope you have a safe delivery and can get these horrible, horrible people out of your life. Jesus.