'AITA for suggesting we swap weeks instead of automatically taking the kids for two extra weeks?'
"AITA for suggesting we swap weeks instead of automatically taking the kids for two extra weeks?"
My partner has 5 kids from a previous relationship. We do a one week on / one week off schedule. Recently, it feels like we’ve had the kids almost every weekend due to various adjustments.
A few weeks ago, his ex messaged saying she’ll be going overseas for two weeks. The second week overlaps into her scheduled week by about 5 days. In the past, he would usually just agree to these changes without discussing them with me.
This time, he asked for my input, which I genuinely appreciated because it does affect our household and daily life. I suggested that we keep the kids for the two weeks she’s away, and then she keeps them for two weeks when she gets back so things stay balanced.
After that, we’d return to the normal schedule. She reacted by saying he was being difficult. She wants to keep them one extra night of our week before she leaves and says she can’t do two weeks straight when she returns because she already booked a weekend away, which happens to fall on our weekend anyway.
Now it’s turned into a bigger conflict, and I’m being portrayed as the one causing drama or not wanting the kids around.
For context: 5 kids is a lot. Two are teenage boys. The grocery bill doubles. The cleaning increases.
We bring in some extra help. All of them have extracurriculars, and although I work from home, my afternoons during kid weeks are consumed with school runs and activities.
I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, school lunches, homework supervision, attend extra activities, and most of the cleaning. I also manage the gardener and cleaner to make sure the house runs smoothly. I’m the one ensuring the home remains stable and organised during those weeks.
I don’t resent the kids. What frustrates me is the pattern of schedule changes that seem to default to us absorbing the extra time without discussion or reciprocity. When adjustments are needed, I don’t mind helping, but I feel like it should go both ways.
I also feel that if we don’t set clear, consistent boundaries now, this will continue long-term. I don’t want conflict, I want fairness and predictability. So AITA for suggesting we keep things balanced instead of just automatically agreeing?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why doesn’t your partner take on the majority of care for his FIVE children?? The greater problem is you are doing all the work, so obviously your partner easily volunteers taking them since he’s not managing the household.
This, when they are with you make sure to let your partner know he needs to take on the majority of the work to look after his own children. Then find ways to be busy, preferably out of the house, so he has no choice but to take on the work he should have been doing in the first place. I’m sure you’ll find he is more amenable to sticking to the 50/50 schedule when it’s his time being take up.
I was thinking the same thing. The reason this keeps happening is because OP absorbs the fallout every time. If he were the one handling most of the care, I bet these schedule changes would suddenly need “discussion”.
How did you get dragooned into being the primary caregiver for his FIVE kids during his custody time, and why is he agreeing to all the changes?
Because the bangnanny lets him.
NTA but aside from the schedule, their dad should be stepping up and doing at least 50% of the extra work. Also teach the teenagers to pull their weight- they can be responsible for all school lunches & cleaning the kitchen after dinner.
Why are you doing all the extra work when the kids are there? I bet you wouldn't mind as much (and your SO would mind more) if he was the one doing the extra work.
YTA to yourself for being the primary parent when your partner has custody. If he can't manage 50/50 custody he should have them less and pay more child support.
Honestly, really confused why you’re doing all the cooking, shopping, homework, extra work, and cleaning. Why isn’t your husband doing that? How did he manage before you moved in with him?
Leaning ESH since it should be obvious that things cost more with 5 kids, but you should be prepared when living with a parent for their child to always be around. But the extra work of them being there should mostly fall to him.
What the....? WHY are you doing all of this? Where is your husband for HIS children??? The homework alone...I don't care how ok you are doing this, if you aren't setting boundaries in your marriage with your bonus children, how do you expect to handle his ex? And look here: YOU are the one causing "drama".
Let this one slide but the rules GOING FORWARD need to be as-is. Set your rules. If he doesn't like it, he can do ALL that alone when he had his kids. If she doesn't like it, she can get a nanny.
Track changes & especially if time is straying from 50/50 to a split where you all have the kids more- it can trigger a change in child support.
NTA at all. It's only a conflict because you two are not automatically bending to her random schedule adjustments. However, your partner needs to continue being firm, not throw you under the bus to avoid the heat, and not be afraid to bring these issues to family court. In addition, he needs to do more to lessen the burden on you.
NTA. Both of you need to take a stand. He needs to stand up to her, and you need to stand up to him because he isn't being their other parent right now. You are. It feels like the bigger issue here is that they are both taking advantage of you. She is passing over her parenting responsibilities to him, and he is passing both hers and his on to you.
Others might say that the child support etc needs looking at if they are with you more, but that actually doesn't resolve the bigger issue of neither parent actually parenting.