"AITA for taking a 1 hour nap on days I work?"
My (30 F) fiancee (35 NB) has been giving me grief for taking a 45min-1hr naps before I go to work each day. I work 2p-11p, they work 7a-3:30p and has a 4 y/o daughter who I watch while they work until I need to work myself.
They expect me to wake up at 6-ish to make her breakfast and be ready for the day. I normally don't mind, but some days, if not every day I work, I need an hour nap. I get home around 11:30, stay awake for an hour, maybe an hour and a half because my body is wired from working. I have two days off and we nap together even sometimes (as does the little).
They're starting to feel lonely, citing that I sleep EVERY day when I do not.
I currently am in therapy and see a psychiatrist to help with my alcohol issues (I'm 2 months clean!!) and my ADHD symptoms with impulse control and other issues.
I'm a sleepy girl. I don't do it on purpose, and I'm not checking out because I feel they would be fine if I did. I literally will fall asleep sitting up if I am that tired.
They're acting like I'm never awake/around....which work pulls me away a lot, but I barely hit 40 hours each week. Same as them. My schedule is set, and Friday/Saturday are my off days, while theirs are sat/sun.
I feel like s%$# for sleeping already, and that I have to sleep at all but I wake up so early. I get maybe 6 hours each day pre-nap, if I'm lucky.
I spoke to my psychiatrist in case this is a side effect of my meds and she literally told me "get more sleep."
Am I the as%$#^le for napping because my body is literally forcing me to??
Quick edit; partner works from home at a very relaxed job while I have to travel 30 mins both way to go to mine and its very pressure centered.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA but I think your partner is, they are not allowing you to have a full nights sleep and why are you making the breakfast, haven't they got arms and legs?
ivorella OP:
They're usually heading to work as the little gets up, so I'm making her breakfast....
“Heading to work”…they work from HOME! They can take care of her while you sleep until at least 8. Or they can find someone else to.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! After working until 11:00 you're supposed to wake up early to make breakfast for your partner's daughter before your partner goes to a WFM job? That's a hella nope. My psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe psych meds until my sleep was regulated.
NTA. I'm not sure what arrangements you have but it sounds like you are treated like a glorified live-in nanny.
Wait. If your partner is working a relaxed schedule from home WHY are YOU getting up at 6am with THEIR child?????
NTA, youre sleep deprived. People dont understand second and third shift workers. They still need to sleep. Why cant they make the breakfast since they can go to bed at a normal hour?
ivorella OP:
They're usually up since they have to be to work an hour later. But they're upset I don't make kiddo breakfast while they make their own breakfast...
NTA you need to take care of yourself and your health before you can take care of someone else. If they don't want you taking naps they can wake up earlier, make breakfast, and bring her to day care.
ivorella OP:
No day care, I watch her until I leave (1:20) then they watch her from 1:20-3:30. But they can work from their phone anywhere.
Later OP added this comment to the post:
In case anyone cares here's what they sent me at work today. Name/letters changed.
"I feel sick every time I want to try to talk to you about this again, not that I get a lot of opportunities.
So I apologize that I'm writing this out while you're at work. I'm not trying to fight or start any drama. I'm just laying it out.
I feel incredibly lonely. I barely see you or spend any time with you and its not just because of your schedule. Ks starting to talk about it to me too now. There's almost no point to you waking up with me. I'm still preparing her food and everything and you're getting up to come lay down on the couch and put an ear bud in to watch videos on your phone until you fall back asleep.
I do love you. So much. I kept hoping that you'd address the sleeping all the time thing in therapy or with the doctor who can give you medicine and itd improve. But you come home, you stay up (idk how long) but you sleep so much. I don't feel like I can commit the rest of my life and start a family with someone who's barely going to be present.
I'm not asking to break up. I'm not calling off the engagement. I am saying I can't see planning a date right now. Even when you're awake, you're on edge or off (since you dont like the word grumpy). You shut me down when I was trying to play a silly reverse audio game and it made me real sad dude. Really sad.
You gave attitude today when I tried to create a bonding moment with you and K with the crafting stuff. Everything seems to bother you or make you angry that isnt on your phone screen and idk what to do about it anymore. So I'm here just pouring my heart out because what else can I do"
And clarity? I did all the stuff (minus reverse audio, which I felt out of my skin during so i didn't want to) but I did crafts, I hang out with their kid "K" (we use her first letter as a nickname, and I'm not comf sharing it) I make breakfast, I almost spend equal to more time with her. I'm just not a kid person outright, but I try.
Here's what people had to say in response to this comment from OP:
There is nothing to address with a doctor- you need around 8 hours of sleep per 24 hour period, and that is what any medical provider will tell you. It sounds like you're getting maybe 5 hours overnight? so you have 3 you need to make up during the rest of the day.
It is honestly so upsetting that they are depriving you of sleep and then acting like that is a shortcoming on your part! Everybody needs to sleep, it is so fundamentally important that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Of course you are irritable! anyone would be when constantly not getting enough sleep.
I would seriously evaluate your safety and wellbeing before marrying this person
Yikes, your partner is too much. They are so codependent that you need to wake up at the same time?? And then pathologizing your sleepiness like it’s an illness and not because you are sleep deprived??? Of course you’re irritable, you are sleep deprived and newly sober!
AND PLEASE REMEMBER: your partner is allowed to communicate their desires, BUT that does not mean that every request is reasonable. You are under no relationship obligation to cater to unreasonable requests.