'AITA for cutting off my son's allowance, taking away his electronics, and downgrading his phone?'
"AITA for cutting off my son's allowance, taking away his electronics, and downgrading his phone?"
I (37F) have always tried to give my son, Jake (15M), a life full of opportunities. Growing up without much myself, I wanted to make sure he never felt like he had to go without. He’s always had a nice phone, good clothes, and pretty much anything else he needed or wanted.
Recently, I got a call from his school saying Jake had been bullying a classmate. I was shocked and thought it had to be a mistake. Jake can be a bit spoiled, sure, but I never imagined he’d be a bully. When I asked him about it, he admitted it but acted like it was no big deal. He said it was “just a joke” and that the kid “couldn’t take it.”
Turns out, Jake had been making fun of this classmate for not having a new phone or wearing trendy clothes. My heart sank. I couldn’t believe my son, who I’ve tried so hard to raise right, was behaving like this.
I felt like I had to do something drastic to show him how unacceptable this is. First, I cut off his allowance he won’t be getting a cent from me until he earns my trust back. Then, I took away all his electronics, including his gaming system and tablet. Finally, I downgraded his phone to an old model I had laying around.
Jake was furious. He said I’m humiliating him in front of his friends and that I’m “ruining his life.” Some family members think I went to far, saying that taking away everything won’t teach him empathy and will just make him resentful.
But I don’t see how I can let him go back to life as usual after something like this. He needs to understand how hurtful his actions were and learn that the things he’s taking for granted are privileges, not rights. Am I being too harsh? Or is this the tough love he needs to become a better person?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA Jake needs to learn exactly what you said. He is not entitled to these things. He has to earn them, as you had to earn the money to buy them. Stick to your principles, mom.
I will for sure I thing it's a valuable lesson for him to learn.
I really hope OP doesn't have a grade A a&^%ole on her hands but if she does, I hope she knows that it's not always our fault as parents. Sometimes the genetic lottery gives you a flaming bag of dog&^%t.
You have no balance. To make up for your childhood, you have spoiled him. To attempt to fix that, you've taken everything away. It shouldn't be all or nothing. He needs to work for his redemption, he needs to apologize to the kid and you need to figure out how to stop trying to re-write your childhood.
Unfortunately your absolutely right I have spoiled him, a lot of parents do that we just try go give them everything and we don't notice that we are doing no good. He has chores to do so he gets his stuff back and he already apologized to the kid that was the first thing he had to do after finding out.
Nope nta. He needs to be humbled. And it won't ruin his life. Being a victim of bullying can ruin your life.
I can for sure ruing someone's life and can have serious consequences for the person bullying that's why i took this action teaching him a valuable lesson in my opinion whit this and i thing he understood it and won't do it again.
Was a victim of bullying. Still affects me to this day (I'm 32). NTA, OP, and you have my respect for accepting the fact that your son was an asshole, alone, and not being in denial like many parents and say stuff like "butbutbut my baby is an angel, he would never do that!"
Good for you for taking immediate action. I wonder if there is something else you might consider that would help with the mindset issue. Maybe volunteering with people who have less, or in a hospital. Something that might help develop empathy and compassion, not just deprivation of material things.
thank you, that's actually something i will look into it , because he needs to understand that what we have is not something normal and that there are unfortunate people who struggle even getting food 😢