'AITA if I take over planning my funeral from my very religious parents?' UPDATED

"AITA if I take over planning my funeral from my very religious parents?"

Hello, all! Well, if it isn't obvious already from the title, I am dying. I don't feel the details are super relevant to the issue at hand, but for those who are curious about my ultimate demise, I have cystic fibrosis and after two rejected lung transplants, I've been told there isn't anything else they can do except keep me comfortable in my last few weeks.

I've begun my preparations for my funeral and such and while I was thinking it would be a breath of fresh air in this whirlwind of d*ath, I could not have been more wrong.

Now, on to the title! My parents are both STRICT Southern Baptists and want a very traditional funeral. This includes; hymns to be sung during the memorial, a casket and graveside service, a viewing, countless prayers during the memorial, scripture to be read, etc.

My issue with this is...well, everything. I am the complete opposite of my parents; not religious, curse like a sailor, drink like the Irish, you name it. Everything they are wanting and attempting to plan is not me as a person. I've somehow made it to 25 and managed to meet the man of dreams and marry him last year and he is torn.

He wants me to have it exactly as I want, he just doesn't want to have to deal with my parents after the fact while actively grieving. I have two siblings, one of which is a clone of my parents and one that is a mixture of my parents and myself. I want my service to be one full of laughter, funny stories and pictures, upbeat music, cats (my husband and I are avid cat lovers), I want confetti and s#$t!

But, more importantly, I want to be cremated and put in a f#$king cat-shaped urn. I told my husband I wanted my ashes to be handed out like party favors (so my family and friends can take me with them because I love to travel) and he looked horrified. My parents are absolutely NOT on board and are essentially planning everything how they want.

Attempting to take me "shopping" for a casket, flowers, picking out hymns and verses, the whole deal. I'm obviously not very pleased. So, I guess my question would be, WIBTA if I took control of my own funeral and wrote a will to be followed exactly how I want it? I understand my parents are grieving and I've tried to compromise with a mixture of both my views and theirs, but, they aren't having it.

I never thought dying would be so f#$king stressful and I just want to enjoy what time I have left, without leaving a bomb of emotion and disappointment behind. Please, help.

TLDR: I am dying and my parents want to plan a funeral that "isn't me" as a person.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

EDIT: I should clarify the "ashes as party favors" thing. I wanted my closest friends and family to go home with a vial or something of the sort of my ashes that way they could do with them as they please! Not everyone will get a piece of me, as strange as that sounds!

2ND EDIT: I am writing down everything that I want and will be approaching my parents in order to find a compromise. Yes, funerals are for the living and being able to remember that person for who they WERE. I am not all of the things my parents wanted me to be and I want them to understand this as they deal with my passing. I am willing to compromise, so, wish me luck!

I will attempt to keep up with everything and as lame as this sounds, I'm off living my best life and trying to do something different everyday, so, I won't always have my phone. Tomorrow we are traveling to the f#$king Everglades so I can watch my husband be terrified while on an airboat. It's going to be awesome.

The internet did not hold back.

sukinsyn wrote:

This is controversial, but I'm going with NAH. Your parents are burying their daughter. That is every parent's worst nightmare. For them, funerals are supposed to be solemn affairs and ironically, they probably think that having the kind of party you want is disrespectful. From their perspective, you are "denying" them a funeral if you have a party instead. And, as the adage goes, funerals are for the living.

Your husband is not an AH, because he is right- your parents will probably blame him (easier than blaming your deceased daughter) for "letting" this happen. It's hard to blame someone who wants to be able to grieve in peace.

You are the least asshole-ish here, obviously. I am sorry you are going through this, and I 100% understand why you would want your passing to be a celebration. You have the right to do this if you wish, after all it is your funeral, but I think there is room for compromise- if you are willing.

Make a list of non-negotiables for your funeral, and have your parents and husband make a "wish list" but limit the amount of items they can have (3 items, maybe?), that you can include or not. By the way, if you want to be cremated- THAT is your choice and no one else gets a say. Good luck. <3

jordydannys wrote:

NTA. Please write it in your will exactly how you want it. Your parents are so inconsiderate. As an agnostic individual, I would feel betrayed if i knew my parents were planning my funeral as religious as they possibly can, and burying me instead of putting my ashes into a cherry blossom tree. I don't care if they are grieving, they need to respect you even if you're not their to see it.

farmerdoo wrote:

Can I suggest having a huge party while you are still here to enjoy it? Do all the fun stuff to celebrate your life while you are still here to witness it. Then your parents can do a small, boring, religious thing after you are gone and you can be cremated and in a cat urn. If not, then you plan your funeral to be everything you want. Your husband doesn’t have to hang out with your parents if they can’t be nice.

Webbievanderquack wrote:

NTA. Even if you weren't sick, if you're an adult, and you're married, then the funeral plans are really for you to arrange and your husband to carry out. Tell your parents, firmly, that your husband will be in charge of the funeral, and think about meeting with a funeral director now and explaining that you don't want your parents to be involved.

Also, probably speaking out of turn here, but giving out ashes to everyone may make some people uncomfortable. Maybe just do this for people very close to you with whom you've discussed it beforehand? I'm really sorry you'e going through all of this, and I hope your last weeks are filled with peace and joy.

Over six weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hello, everyone. First of all, thank you all for the kind words, support and love that everyone has offered and given. These weeks have been the most difficult I have ever experienced and it is with great sadness that I tell you all that my beautiful and cat crazy wife, has passed. I've had to cut this short due to character limits, sorry all. But, she did leave all of you a note, Reddit. I've copied everything verbatim below.

She truly loved everyone and was smiling so much after her first post. I'll take my leave here. Much love.

"Internet, if you're reading this, I am d#$d. Pretty crazy to be talking to a d**d person, eh? It feels a bit strange to be writing this.

If this feels a bit disconnected, I'm sorry. I have to take frequent breaks as I get tired pretty quickly now. My husband offered to write these words (such a sweet ham, I know. Be nice to him, okay?). But, I wanted my last words to be written by me. Long story short, we talked to my parents. A lot of people asked about why my husband wasn't planning the funeral and my parents were taking control.

Honestly, my parents didn't take the news of my passing to come well and I suppose their closure(?) was to try and take control of what they could. I'm not angry at them for it, I understand. They had already pre-paid a large portion of the service and to put it plain and simple, it was a shit hand they were dealt. So, we talked to them. I laid it all out for them and somehow, we reached a compromise.

Lots of tears. Lots of hugs. And surprisingly, lots of laughs. They admitted that they had been losing their faith with everything that had happened and their way to attempt to find it again was to take control and "guide me" into the afterlife. Not my thing though and I explained that I am not them, but their daughter who wanted to live her last weeks in peace, not the turmoil they were putting me through.

And while a lot of people stated that funerals are for the living (true true), I firmly believe that a funeral is for the living to remember that person as WHO they were, not what anyone else wanted them to be. My parents seemed to understand when I told them that.

They were not on board with the party favor aspect though, kind of a bummer. Pretty lucky to plan my own funeral, honestly. But, now that that is all said and done! Thank you, guys. I was blown away by the responses. I was moved to tears and I wish I had had the chance to meet every single one of you. You all be good now, ight? Take it one day at a time and fucking enjoy yourself!

You only get one life, unless you're someone who has survived death than you're just a f#$king hero and probably a cat with a few lives to spare. I love you all. I'm resting easy now. This disease sucks and I'm happy to be rid of it. And laugh and love and cry and be sad. Shit happens. I've got to go now, I'm gonna go snuggle my husband and my cats. Keep it real, internet strangers. Love you all!"

The internet had a lot to say in response.

musicismydrugxo wrote:

I love her realistic, humorous outlook on d*ath and her funeral. Her final message doesn't feel sad or frustrated, it's beautiful, accepting and insightful. I hope her final days were filled with cat/husband cuddles and that her funeral was a true representation of who she was as a person.

Least-Designer7976 wrote:

Funerals aren't only for the living, I'm pretty sure you can't blame a person for wanting to be the one deciding on two days : your wedding day and your funerals.

Like of course parents are grieving so they kinda have a pass to have a hard time talking with OP, but people blaming her for wanting to be remembered as she was are a special kind of sh*t. Glad they at least could find a common ground in the end <3

milkdimension wrote:

This is so f#$king tragic. I'm glad her family got their shit together but fuck cystic fibrosis man.