'AITA for taking attention away from the bride by having a panic attack during a wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for taking attention away from the bride at a wedding?"

I suffer from Panic Disorder, which means I tend to suffer panic attacks on a regular basis. They're usually triggered by external stimuli, especially if it's related to my C-PTSD, but they can also happen seemingly out of nowhere. I was abused repeatedly as a child, and am still dealing with the fallout in adulthood.

Fast forward to last weekend. My GF's cousin (let's call her Susan) was getting married, and invited me to come to the wedding as a +1. It was a very small, intimate ceremony. I'd already been feeling on edge earlier that morning after an argument with my dad, but decided to come anyway thinking being with my GF's family would help get my mind off things.

Sadly, this "on edge" feeling didn't go away. I tried to "hold in" my anxiety to keep the peace, but it wasn't working. My GF tried calming me down, holding my hand and assuring me everything was ok. After a few minutes, I got up during the vows, and headed for the lobby to try and calm down.

My GF got up with me. A few people stared at us as we left. After a while, I did feel better, and some relatives asked me if I was all right. It felt nice knowing these total strangers weren't going to judge me for a mental health crisis that I couldn't control.

Later that day, I was at my GF's apartment. While she was in the bathroom, her phone went off, revealing a string of texts from Susan. I didn't snoop through her phone; texts on iPhones appear briefly for a few seconds while on sleep mode. Due to post length rules, I'll give a brief summary.

Susan thanked my GF for coming to her wedding, but added that it was very rude to just get up and leave in the middle of the ceremony. Susan said she worked her butt off to make the wedding happen, my GF and I took attention away from her, and that I should've stayed home. I later told my GF about the texts, and she apologized profusely for Susan's behavior.

She said she never remembered her cousin acting like this, and maybe she was just caught up in the heat of the wedding. I'm sure that's true, but Susan's not the first person bothered by my panic attacks, and she won't be the last.

Maybe I should've stayed home. I was already feeling panicky to begin with, but I left anyway because I love being around my GF and her family. Maybe it was selfish of me to do this on such a special occasion as a wedding. AITA?

Edit: I don't think I made a big scene or anything. I had some staggered breathing, tremors, and felt lightheaded. There were about 12-15 people in the audience.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

wanna_die420 said:

Gentle YTA. Look I empathize as I have an anxiety disorder and depression but just cause we can’t help that we have them doesn’t mean we suddenly don’t have to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and the way they affect folks regardless. It explains our behavior but it doesn’t excuse it.

You were already feeling panicky and given that you knew a breakdown was coming it is a little bit selfish to have gone to someone’s wedding expecting their family to make you feel better. Honestly Susan’s reaction was valid.

It’s understandable to be hurt in her position like going to one of her most emotional milestones not to be there to support her but to use it as a distraction is a lil uhhh self centered. At the end of the day you do owe her an apology.

I now see that ITA here, but thanks for also being understanding of my disorder. I hope Susan will accept my apology. I never meant to ruin the wedding, but I shouldn't have used it as a way to make myself feel better. I should've stayed home, and found someone else to talk through my panic attack. I just thought my GF would've been the best person ATM.

[deleted] said:

A very, very gentle YTA. As someone who suffers from autism and anxiety it's my responsibility to make sure that my issues don't affect others negatively. If I know I'm having a bad day it's up to me to make sure I either stay home or put plans in place to make sure things still run smoothly. The world doesn't revolve around my condition, and I shouldn't expect it to.

[deleted] said:

Ah well you know the feelings that are about to bring on a panic attack it seems so you should start listening to them and plan accordingly. It was a bit rude to leave during that moment and then come back like everything was fine without apologizing for the disruption so slight YTA

And RoboCat23 said:

YTA. You knew what you were having was a panic attack. You’ve had them before and you’re well acquainted with them. You should’ve kept your head down, waited until the vows were over, and then walked out. You knew you weren’t going to die, and you knew you weren’t having a life threatening emergency. If you can’t sit through vows, you shouldn’t go to a wedding.

And SpookyBlackCat said:

NTA - You had a medical issue during her wedding, so you retreated to the lobby. The bride decided to spend HER WEDDING NIGHT harassing you about it! Sheesh!

I'll take your word that you were able to leave without drawing too much attention to yourself. However, if you feel this may happen in the future, you don't have to skip the wedding to accommodate the bride! Make sure you're seated next to an aisle, preferably at the side or back of the room. This should allow you to quietly make an exit without interrupting.

He shared this small update in response to the comments:

I now see that ITA here, but thanks for also being understanding of my disorder. I hope Susan will accept my apology. I never meant to ruin the wedding, but I shouldn't have used it as a way to make myself feel better. I should've stayed home, and found someone else to talk through my panic attack. I just thought my GF would've been the best person ATM.

He later posted this longer update:

TY for your feedback! The final consensus was that ITA, but I think the many NTA’s I received had some good points, too. I shouldn’t have gone to the wedding when I was about to have a panic attack, but as long as I was there, leaving before I could really make a scene was the best I could do at the moment (albeit poorly timed.)

I left Susan both a text and a voicemail apologizing for taking attention away from her. I had no malicious intent, and was simply trying to solve a mental health crisis in what I thought was the best option: being with my GF rather than by myself. Nevertheless, I shouldn’t have used a wedding to make myself feel better.

Later that night, Susan texted me saying she accepted my apology, and that she’d be off her phone for a while for her honeymoon. I was happy that Susan forgave me, but, for a while, my mind went into a dark place about this whole ordeal with panic attacks.

I’d spent a lifetime being treated like there was something wrong with me, whether from my abusive father or others who didn’t know or care enough to act with my best interests at heart. My own mom tried to get rid of me as a baby before giving my dad full custody. I wished I could just disappear.

One psych eval and several counseling sessions later, I’m on a more stable path mentally than a few weeks ago. I was given stronger meds that I could take right before I have another panic attack. I also want to get some sort of support animal to have in my apartment.

I’m not going to let my disorder keep me from living my life, but I’ll probably stay away from larger social functions until I’m comfortable enough to do so again. I look forward to a nice Thanksgiving with my GF’s family this week.

Thank you again for helping me put my situation into perspective. I may have been TA at the wedding, but I’ll try to be more mindful of future social gatherings from now on.