"AITA for taking the attention/'love of my SIL's baby?"
I (17F) have a brother (31M) who is married (32F).
They have a daughter, my niece who is two.
Lately my SIL has expressed to me and my brother that she feels really disconnected from my niece, saying she doesn’t like to be hugged, talked to, or even looked at by SIL. I had a family dinner last night, where niece was having a particularly big tantrum, but everyone was sort of ignoring it trying to get their food and sit down. I saw SIL looked really overwhelmed so I offered to play with and calm down niece.
She immediately just nodded and went to go get food. I was more than happy to help. I managed to calm her down fairly quickly and I saw SIL watching. This is where I might be TA. I said to niece, “Look! It’s mommy, isn’t she so pretty? Do you like playing with mommy too?” My niece shook her head at this. SIL looked really upset by this so I went into fix it mode.
I said “why? Isn’t mommy fun? I bet you and mommy have lots of fun, (nieces name)!” To this she kept shaking her head and was now irritated again so I dropped the conversation and went back to calming her down. Like half an hour later she sort of knocked herself out on the couch after I gave her some food, and I finally got around to getting some food and sitting down.
SIL seemed kinda upset so I told her not to worry and obviously niece doesn’t mean it. To this she sort of got angry and told me I was taking the love that her daughter should have for her by playing with her and I was rubbing it in her face when I asked, “isn’t mommy fun?”
I told her this was not my intention at all, and I was so sorry and I just wanted to help but she still kept going off on me so I sort of just let her talk and I shut myself up. My dad walked in and heard and told SIL to chill out for a second, which pissed my brother off and then everyone just started fighting.
I took this as my sign to just go upstairs and I told SIL we could pick up the convo another time because no matter the situation I don't communicate through yelling at people, but I match energy so if she’s going to continue yelling and screaming it’s best i just leave for right now.
She just agreed and said I should “foff upstairs”. So I did exactly that. I have not spoken to her or brother since then and am wondering if maybe I should reach out and apologise or how I should go about this, so I wanna know opinions on if I’m sort of more leaning in the wrong or not.
EDIT: to clarify, me saying “isn’t mommy fun” was more of like a rhetorical question where I more stated it to her than asked her. Sorry if that was confusing.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
DiabeticBea wrote:
I've been there. Both with a family friends' daughter and my goddaughter. It's, and in the cliché words, just a phase. For a solid 6 months Sol my family friends' daughter she didn't want her mom, dad, brothers, or even my brother. She wanted me. Tried to follow me home a few times even though with lived two houses, less than 100 feet apart.
After about 6 months she grew out of it, even though if I was over she would still pick me over everyone else. Even convinced her parents to get us matching Christmas dresses. Same with my goddaughter/son. Would ask to live with me on a daily basis or would ask me to to move in with them.
Still ask sometimes but they have mostly grown out of it, though I'm still the favorite Lala. Their mom takes it in stride and often uses me as a babysitter to get a few hours of alone time, their current favorite activity is taping the phone to the side of the tub and throwing thing and recording it so they can see it underwater. They grow out of it eventually it might just take a while.
morbid_n_creepifying wrote:
My kid calls the nanny "Nanny Mom" sometimes which is mildly hurtful (because there's always that little bit of guilt that I'm not with him all the time) but mostly amusing. Because he spends 3-4 days a week with the nanny at her house where she has two (adult) sons who come home during uni breaks, who obviously call their mom, Mom.
So y'know, being an adult, I lean into the funny side of it and then I also call her Nanny Mom. Because she kinda moms me sometimes too. Toddlers can be rough sometimes but it's also fascinating to watch how their brains make connections.
cevanne46 wrote:
I'm going to say NTA, leaning to n a h but 30 year old women don't get a pass for taking their feelings, however hurt, out on 17-year-olds I had a similar situation with my goddaughter when she was two. She'd ignore her mum, my best friend, and she'd demand to come live with me and my husband.
Fortunately, my friend, also early 30s (and still recovering from post natal psychosis) was an actual adult.
You can't fix this. Not with "isn't mummy lovely " comments.
I eventually said to my goddaughter "you'd miss mummy and daddy if you lived with us" and she said something like "mummy would come, mummy's always got to be there". My friend was just the context and background for her daughters life- absolutely essential and unexciting. 2-year-olds can be really, unintentionally, cruel. I'd stand clear and let SIL figure it out.
sparypants_ wrote:
NTA. You have done nothing wrong. Children this age have favourites. My niece at age 2 wanted nearly nothing to do with her mum and only wanted dad. Not long later mum could do no wrong and dad was out the picture. It's just how they develop.
It can definitely be tough for the parents and i'm sure your SIL isn't loving it, if she's the one currently out of favour. That said, she is the adult and the parent and she needs to learn to manage her emotions.
Her taking her frustration out on you isn't fair at all imo. She owes you an apology, not the other way round. It's a tough learning curve but she's got a lifetime ahead of being both the kid's favourite person ever and enemy number 1 with little in between.