'AITA for taking back my dad and stepmom's wedding invite for insisting on parent/kid dances?'
"AITA for taking back my dad and stepmom's wedding invite for insisting on parent/kid dances?"
I'm (26M) getting married and my fiancée Nella (25F) and I aren't doing the FOTB walks the bride down the aisle and no Father/Daughter Mother/Son dances during the reception.
We're walking down the aisle together. We're having a first dance. Once the first dance is done anyone can dance and there are no special dances planned outside of our first dance.
Nobody else had any complaints about this except for my stepmother. She married my dad when I was 6 and became my primary caregiver when I was 9, after the death of my mom.
She expected we'd have a Mother/Son dance. We talked about it. She told me how long she had wanted this and that dancing with all her bio children would not make up for me skipping over this milestone moment.
I told her this was not a moment Nella or I wanted to have at our wedding. My stepmother asked why an exception couldn't be made. She said Nella and her father don't need to have a Father/Daughter dance but we could still have a Mother/Son dance.
I told her it would not be a Mother/Son dance. If it happened it would be a Stepmother/Stepson dance. Her face as I said this was showing how much it hurt her to hear.
This was not the first time me using the step has hurt her. She never saw me as her son not her stepson. But I always saw her as my stepmother and never my mom. She brought it up to me again a couple of times on her own.
Then my dad got involved and he told me I could throw my stepmother a bone. He told me it wouldn't hurt to give her one "mom" thing. That she has always been "othered" and kept at a distance by me, which is true, I never wanted her to be my mom and was never open to seeing her as my true parent/mom so I never tried to let her in, in that way.
I told them they needed to drop it and I would not change what Nella and I had planned just for my stepmother. They mentioned it 3 times after this. Nella and I sat and discussed it and we decided the next time one or both asked we would take back their invitation.
They brought this up again and I followed through with what Nella and I agreed on and I told them they were no longer invited to the wedding. I told them they had pushed this boundary, they were demanding I add something to a wedding that is not their own and is not being funded in any way by them.
My dad said the money shouldn't matter. He then asked me how my half siblings would be able to attend without them. I told him they would have to stay at home with the two of them if they didn't want someone in the extended family taking them.
My stepmother asked me if I'd really prefer for them not to be there over a simple dance for the two of us where she can have one moment of feeling like she gets the recognition as more than just being my stepmother.
I told her I would prefer that and it was their own fault for refusing to stop asking. They told me I was making a big mistake and was turning into someone they didn't like before their very eyes. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
000-Hotaru_Tomoe
NTA. They were almost harassing you with their insistence!
PhraseExtra3712 OP responded:
It was getting there very quickly. I know they weren't going to give up on it either.
NapalmAxolotl
NTA, majorly. You're not doing any parent/child stuff! Itʻs not even personal! (You would still be right even if it was, even if there was a father/daughter dance and you were only excluding her because sheʻs not your mother.)
They kept pushing, five times before you uninvited them. Thatʻs plenty fair. When you withdrew the invite, they didn't even apologize and try to get you to re-invite them without the dance! Your stepmom pushed *again* for the dance! WOW.
ComprehensivePut5569
NTA - They pushed the boundary and are dealing the consequences. They should have accepted the first no and let it go. They have no one to blame except themselves.
As for that last comment about them not like who you’ve become… what they really mean is that they don’t like that they can’t control you and get their way. They’re acting like spoiled brats.
kateluvsthe80s
NTA. I do have one question that won't change my vote: did you tell your dad and stepmom beforehand that if it was brought up again that you would rescind their invite?
That's the only thing that I think you could've done differently and maybe been slightly more fair in warning them. But thinking about it, I don't think it would've mattered if you had done that. It probably would've just added another layer of conflict.
PhraseExtra3712 OP responded:
I didn't warn them beforehand. I did tell them there would be consequences to bringing it up more. But Nella and I had not talked about what the consequences would be yet so I didn't know what the consequences would be at that point. They were aware I wouldn't tolerate it for much longer.
bulgarianlily
"She can have one moment of feeling like she gets the recognition as more than just being my stepmother."
This is a wedding about TWO people. No one else gets to use it to scratch their ego itches. Truth to tell, she is your stepmother, so how does she work out that she needs more recognition than that, especially since all the other parents involved, bio or step, are not getting their moment in the spotlight. NTA.
PhraseExtra3712 OP responded:
Her argument is that all the other parents involved have had moments of being recognized and loved for being parents. While she has never got that with me, only with the kids she and my dad have together. So this was her final chance to have that.
TA_totellornottotell
It’s so disingenuous, though. She knows she is a stepmother and not a mother to you. So she’s basically thinking that either the world sees her as your mother, or doing this thing will somehow force you more towards seeing her as your mother. Either way, it’s completely inorganic, and likely will not get the result she expects.
I can also only imagine that rather than this being the ‘last’ time to get the recognition, it could end up being the beginning of insisting in more mother roles (and even grandmother ones if you have children). I think it’s good that you made clear the boundary now.
I dunno. I think you’re really rough on your stepmom, given that you say she’s always treated you like a biochild. No, you don’t have to have these dances that you don’t want, and they shouldn’t have pushed.
But if someone has always been generous and kind to you, being cold and indifferent and actually hurtful seems pretty horrible. It seems to me that you need to talk things through with a therapist and learn to let go of your parents’ divorce, and move forward as a mature adult.
My parents didn't divorce. I don't even remember them being together. But my mom cannot be replaced. Her role cannot be filled. It's a sacred space in my life that is hers even though she's gone. My stepmother was never going to fit in the same way, and she tried very hard to do that and some would appreciate and even want that. I did not. We see the relationship very differently.