'AITA for taking my name off of the lease where my husband and his girlfriend live?'
"AITA for taking my name off of the lease where my husband and his girlfriend live?"
Ok so this one is pretty long so buckle up so I can give you some background. I (53f) have been married to my husband 48m, we will call him Richard ( aka Dick!), for almost 17 yrs.
Our marriage has not been perfect. Especially the last 4 yrs. I suspected Dick of cheating but never could catch him. Until a couple of years ago I ended up in the ER because of a “not so Fresh “ feeling. I loved my husband very much. But this was the last straw. And this wasn’t even the “girlfriend” he is seeing now, we will call her Jane 43f.
The ER trip was more than enough proof that he wasn’t being faithful. I have not been with anyone other than him for the entirety of our marriage. So I openly told him I was looking for a job closer to my family. And leaving him to go there. I took a contract for a year. I left in 2023 and moved 1100 miles away to be near my family.
Dick and I texted daily. Some was arguing other conversation was more serious and sounded like he wanted to reconcile. So I still wasn’t sure. He assured me that there was no one there with him in our home . ( he is also a habitual liar). So I got in my car one night and drove.
All the way to my former residence. I arrived at 5:30 in the morning. I was tired. But oddly enough Dick was awake and met me on the porch in his robe. He clearly was NOT expecting me. So I proceeded to go inside and he tried to step in the way. I continued to go inside.
Introducing Jane. Standing in my kitchen cooking in a robe only. So I said how are you I am Dick's wife. Needless to say it wasn’t a pleasant visit. Not only did I have to go get a hotel and airbnb but Jane was living there.
This apparently happened three weeks after I left. This goes back and forth for the last couple of years where she’s there next she leaving next she is there. And now they are supposedly in love. wtf ever. Ok so to the lease part. My name was still on the lease to the house. On paper and even off paper, Dick didn’t qualify on his own.
So I have been more than generous to not take my name off so he didn’t face having to move. ( I know I shouldn’t care I’m just not that person ) Well now here we are and I moved back up here for a job. ( About 9 months ago)
He was trying to have his cake and eat it too telling both of us what we wanted to hear and playing both sides lying through his teeth. However, I just got a new job and I needed a home that was central to the three locations that I will get splitting my time between.
I got a $24K a year raise with this job so I couldn’t turn it down. Well the landlord who leased us the first house had a bigger house that was central to all three locations. It couldn’t have been more perfect.
So I called her and told her I don’t live at the other house anymore. I applied for this house and I am standing in the house typing this to all you. She has known me for 10 yrs and knows that I will take care of my responsibilities and this house.
So NOW Dick is p^%$ed off and he can now be referred to as Richard Noggin. He has started telling everyone that I did this On purpose because I am trying to make him homeless. I have filed for a divorce from Mr. Noggin. I don’t think he should have the financial benefit of a wife on paper and not want the wife. He has also tried to financially ruin me.
This has been an emotionally difficult time. I have been struggling a lot but I am gonna be fine with this new job. Now I know I should have divorced him a long time ago. It was hard to just unlove someone you have been with for 1/3 of your life. I know I am trauma bonded. So my name came off the other lease and he is having to fill out an application for the house he has lived in for 10 yrs.
Technically he doesn’t qualify bc he can’t produce any stubs banking info or anything he runs a cash business as a mechanic from the house. So now he said I knew what I was doing f and wanted to put him out in the street. AITA for not keeping my name on the lease to be the “financial cushion” my husband thinks I should be for he and his girlfriend?
I don’t think I am but that’s how he is portraying it. I finally have the courage to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over Me. So AITA? Thanks.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Standard-Debate-9307 said:
NTA. Let his girlfriend take care of him. Why would you want to be on the lease of somewhere you aren’t staying? That’s not fair to you. Cut all ties and move on, it’s not your fault if your ex-husband sinks like a rock.
KayScarpetta1 said:
NTA. You’ve been more than fair. You’ve actually been too fair to a pos who never deserved you. You’re finally cutting the remaining ties to this man. Keep snipping and don’t look back.
OP responded:
Thank you. I have talked to a therapist and honestly the person he is showing himself to be is the narcissist I know him to be now. I finally have the courage to be myself and stand up for myself
Far_Perspective_1438 said:
This is one of those occasions where you can tell someone that they are NTA - like in the history of NTA you are NTA of legendary status. There is absolutely less than zero reasons for you to keep your name on that lease. Your husband (soon to be ex) cannot expect you to fix his mess - he literally built a life without you lying and gaslighting his way through it.
Time for you to start to build your new life and this job and house seems like the perfect starting point. I am sending you positive and loving vibes as you start this journey.
apothekryptic said:
Providing shelter for your ex and his girlfriend is not your responsibility. Period. He needs to find housing within his means, or get a job on paper to qualify for the home he wants. It's his problem, not yours. You though? You've already done the most. Good for you for cutting ties and moving on - FINALLY.
Let him act a little b!tch baby, it reflects poorly on him, not you. Anyone that takes a single negitive thing he has to say about you seriously is as much of a loser as he is, and their opinion ain't worth sh!t. NTA
OP responded:
He is one of those people who told everyone when I moved that I just left bc I wanted another job and left him up here abandoned. I found this out when I came back up here to live
Jsmith2127 said:
Nta what do you want to bet that the gf thought he had money, and was taking care of everything on his own? His gf is lucky you didn't boot her ass out. I wouldn't have been the one getting a hotel
OP responded:
His girlfriend is actually a married woman herself. She actually has been footing most of the bill. I told her thank you bc she actually took my problem not my husband
creativekinda said:
NTA. I'd just tell him he is none of your concern anymore. Every move you make going forward is with your future and stability in mind. However that shakes out for him is his business.
OP responded:
That is exactly what I told him. This is the woman he wanted. It is no longer my concern how he lives dies or takes care of himself
The_Motherlord asked:
Who was paying the rent this whole time?
If he was paying the rent and the landlord knows it, where's the problem? Why can't he and girlfriend apply and get a place together without Mommy [you]? Geez. How old is Dick? You were married 17 years so he can't be 19 but he sure acts like a child having a temper tantrum because no one will get him his chicken nuggets.
And OP responded:
When I lived there the rent was paid and on time. Now the rent is late every month. And he scrapes together to pay. I don’t pay it at all I have my own rent to pay. So she works and he has his little business and that’s how they do it I guess. But he is the type to need to have someone support him at this stage in his life. He used to have a full time job and he worked very very hard.
How he loafs off and works when he wants sometimes all night. I’m finding out that him working from home enabled him to cheat a long time ago. So he won’t change that situation bc I was a fool for so long and now he has convinced this other person he’s a saint bc he moved her in when she didn’t have any place to go. So he “helped her."
So I have finally put my foot down with my new and growing self confidence and say yall have each other but you aren’t using me to do it. And I meant what I said. He is (you’re right ) pitching a temper tantrum bc he can’t have his way
5 days later OP came back with this update:
First I want to start by saying thank you for all of the support and the advice that was given. I have read each of your comments and suggestions and have actually done a couple of them. I am continuing my counseling and I have been a lot braver this week when my STBX has continued to FA and FO.
So here goes the drama for the last few days: As of June 30 my name officially came off the lease. My landlord was more than happy to take it off and she also signed me a new lease for a nicer and bigger house that was much more convenient to my new job.
My STBX has been blowing up my phone, whining on how he has to come up with pay stubs and he is already late on his rent and why couldn’t I leave well enough alone. He even went as far as to threaten to get me fired from my new job. SO… I took a restraining order out on him and it was granted.
He cannot call, text, speak, be within 500 ft of me anytime anywhere. AND He thinks that I will be financially responsible for any damage that he causes to the house. Well it’s FA and FO time because the state that I live in now has a law that legally states I am NO longer responsible for ANYTHING to do with the home that HE and his GF are now completely responsible for.
I am a protected person according to the Protective Order and am absolved from any and every responsibility on that with him. Yay! Also he cannot harass me at work, cannot call my job or come on to the campus or he will be arrested immediately.
So thanks for all of the encouragement. I definitely pulled MY BIG GIRL britches up and Looked up a few things in order to start completely removing him from my life. The process has been started. Thanks again. And I know for sure I am not the AH! He now has to learn to fend for himself and grow up. He’s not my problem!
6 days later OP posted this second update:
Many people have been wanting an update on this and I have had one already but I have a good update for you today! If you aren’t up to date, please see the other two posts and all of the drama that I thought was coming to a close. I have had very positive support on both of the posts and I want to tell you I appreciate this a lot. So here is the update:
I am getting moved to my new place and in the other post I was answering someone about whether I thought the girlfriend was going to to go on the lease with STBX Richard Noggin. 😉. Well.. I received a phone call. She is NOT all that excited on going on a new lease with him for any length of time. Matter of fact she only wants to go month to month.
STBX is crying that I have ruined his life, and she is tired of hearing the whining. Apparently (not so sure this is true) she had NO idea I was still on the lease, which she questioned him extensively about. He made up all kinds of excuses as to why but the truth is that he doesn’t qualify on his own to get a lease. He needed my financial credentials.
She told him to get a job. She also is telling Me that she is figuring out exactly why I left in the first place. My response to her was : after 17 yrs. Don’t you think I would have had a really good reason to leave after that long? There are two sides to a story and somewhere in there there is the actual truth.
So the conversation was really interesting and after she got some answers to her questions it ended peacefully. But I surprised her when she started to tell me things about the two of them and I cut her off by telling her that they were not my concern. It was between the two of them and I didn’t want to know.
But… now the girlfriend is in jail. What!? Why?! She got caught taking security tags off of things in the store and then when her name was run by the police, two felony warrants. Apparently, the warrants are for not showing up to court and it has been so habitual, there is no security bond available.
Two $10K cash only. So I think she will be stuck there for a minute. My opinion or my observation is this: it’s almost the first of the month. Who is coming up with rent for him? NOT ME!
As I have learned with this entire situation, what you put out in this world whether it be goodness or by being a terrible person it has a way of coming back to you. And when it comes around, boy does it.
So.. I am settling into my new place, new job and new life. Sounds like the other two have a lot to work out and I love saying NOT MY PROBLEM. Thank you to all in this group who have commented and supported this journey. I continue to pray daily and I am proud of all I have accomplished. One day at a time. I am living my best life and being the best I can be every day. Thank you all again.
13 days later OP posted this "final update":
Ok, this update (the final update) is really happening almost in real time. Because it is actually going on as I post this it’s just so over the top I have to let you all know what has now happened. First of all, for my other three posts, if you aren’t caught up so far please read them so you know where this drama left off.
I can’t make this s___ up even if I really tried. It’s just ridiculous. This is the best update yet I think. You guys thought the last update was good. Haha nope. This one.. omg get ready !
So when we left off, Richard Noggin (aka Dick ) was ‘crying ‘ because Jane had been arrested for stealing again. She ended up spending a week in jail and was expecting him to come up with the money to bail her out. They gave her a fugitive bond of $15000 with 10% that could be paid for her release.
She sat there for a couple more days. Mind you the first of the month just passed and rent was due for the new lease that they have. Well he has but she wasn’t so sure so they illegibly signed a lease and the landlord is requiring an actual readable signature.
He knew he had this coming up. So instead of paying his rent he chose to give that money up to the bail bondsman to get Jane out. Then a few days later.. today being the culmination.
Big mistake. She apparently went through is phone and what his activity was while she was in jail. And omg did she blow up. They had a huge fight in the front yard for the neighborhood to see. ( this is how I know. My neighbor (former) called me. ).
So apparent it was loud and quite the spectacle with her being gone for a couple of days. She came back Saturday and neighbor said it appears all is well. So I say yay good for them. I don’t care .
Fast forward to today! Holy hell they were fighting in the front yard. So I decided to see for myself. (I wasn’t sure if I had access still) but apparently he never changed the password to the security system. So I was curious. It has no sound bit you can clearly see there is a problem.
She wanted to leave in the car that she has been driving. He wasn’t going to let her because of all the money he has used to bail her out. The car is in his name and his insurance and tags. She doesn’t even have a valid license. So he wants to recoup his money so he can pay the rent he should have paid on the first. This was better than the Springer Show and even without sound.
She went outside to the car and it was a standoff. She sat in the blistering heat to say she wasn’t leaving without the car. He is saying that she isn’t leaving WITH the car. All of a sudden I see clothes flying out of the car. Then she gets out in nothing but her underwear (it was really hot today). He brings her a bathing suit at least so she can cover up.
And she proceeds to take the rest of her clothes off in the front yard and put the suit on. Then it’s back to the car. Another standoff. I have no idea what is being said however all of a sudden she gets out and starts throwing stuff out of the car and all into the street! I’m dying laughing at this point bc the neighbors are starting to come outside to watch.
She takes off up the street in nothing but her bathing suit. Then showed back up Another fight verbally and she pulled a knife on him. He used self defense to knock it out of her hand. ( she wasn’t hurt) but he used a duster to knock the knife out of her hand. At this point I have no clue why someone hasn’t called the police. But the sheer disintegration of their “love story” has happened in front of the entire neighborhood.
And I am just sitting back with my popcorn 🍿 and sipping on my tea ☕️ Thanking my lucky stars that Karma is a b&^%h that kicks ass and takes some names. It really is true that the goodness someone puts out into the world will come back. And the same can be said for doing people dirty.
Both of them are reaping what they have sewn and it’s really funny that after all the pain and all the hurt I have been through that I am actually the person who is standing and wiping my shoes off on my new doormat.
I am the one clocking in and out to my new fabulous job and I am the one who will continue to hold my head up high knowing that I tried at one time to save my marriage and ended up learning that walking away meant I was not losing. It meant that the real winner was the one person who didn’t try to undermine or cheat or lie. I am so grateful that I am not in any sort of toxic relationship like that.
He and I had our bad moments but I am choosing to remember the good ones while still walking in the opposite direction and taking a very different path. The high road. Thank you to all who have read this story and given me awesome good advice I will not forget any of you. They both can relish in their own drama they have caused.
The grass isn’t greener sometimes. Sometimes it just needs water and TLC and can overcome anything. I wasn’t looking to start over at 52 yrs old. I don’t even know where to start. But I would rather have joy and peace in my single life than to ever feel like I am less than nothing. No one should ever make anyone feel that way. No one will ever rob my joy or spirit again. Thanks every one and stay petty. ☺️.
After the final update here's what people had to say:
This can’t be the final update. We need to know when the sheriff comes and puts him out 😭😭😭
If anything else happens I will post again. For now I am letting the drama unfold. It’s better than reality tv in my opinion.
Or what happens when she skips bail...again. Who's gonna be on the hook then?
Well he is on the $15000 bond and she is a habitual failure to appear felon. So I am guessing he will be on the hook really. It’s not my problem tho. Like I have said a million times: bad choices have bad outcomes.
And bad outcomes like this make me want to run to the store for more popcorn!
This made me laugh out loud. Thank you
Holy that was a bullet dodged!!!
Wishing you all the best!
Isn’t that the truth for sure!