"AITA for taking my son out of dance class?"
When our son was a toddler he and my wife did a mommy & me tap dancing class, and it was awesome. We still have the videos. She used to dance, and she wanted him to keep up with it, and he did for a while.
As he has gotten older he's developed other hobbies, and school takes up more of his time. He also rarely does performances, because they usually conflict with our schedule. He mostly just does the classes.
He's about to turn twelve, and he told us he feels overbooked with everything. At the same time, his teacher reached out to us about finding a way to have him at more performances, because it would be nice to have a boy doing the boy parts of some of the dances.
I talked to my wife about asking him if he wants to quit dance. She was really against it, but she said we can ask if he wants anything off the schedule. We asked if there was anything he wasn't 100% about, and he said dance. She was upset and asked if he wanted to give it another year and then decide. He said no, he needs the free time now.
I emailed the teacher saying we were leaving, and she called me. She said this was a huge mistake, that he had so much potential, and that we were throwing away so many opportunities.
My son doesn't want to grow up to be a professional tap-dancer, so I'm not sure what opportunities he's throwing away. She also said all the girls love him and will be sad. Okay, and? What does that have to do with anything?
She also called my wife, and I guess they had a very different conversation. My wife changed her mind, but I said it's his decision, and we already told him he could quit, so it's done. I've since gotten calls from the dance teacher twice more. The first one, she accused me of being a bad father, so I hung up. The second I didn't even answer.
My wife is sad. My son picked up on it and now is saying maybe he should go back to dance class. I said if he dances it should be for himself, not anyone else. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm not sure how I ended up being the bad guy here.
I've got this teacher in my voicemail giving me a hard time, my wife is filling the house with melancholy sighs, and now my son is feeling guilty, and it's all my fault. I feel like an AH, even though I don't actually think I did anything wrong.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. 12 years old is plenty old to be making a decision about what he does and does not want to do. Leaving the decision to him is the exact correct thing to do. Your wife and this dance teacher though....what a piece of work calling you and telling you you're a bad father!? The gall! I would be talking to the head of that dance studio.
Your wife also needs to understand that this decision is NOT about her. She's acting unfairly towards your son. As parents, we should never guilt our children into doing things that they themselves have expressed they no longer want to do. Shame on her.
If he were to return to dance, I would only agree if under a different teacher or a different dance studio altogether. That teacher crossed the line and would never be allowed to be so rude and hateful to me again.
NTA. Kids grow out of things, and guilting the kid back into something (like the teacher is doing) is just wrong. I’d write a review about what the teacher is doing, especially the “bad father” part. People need to know who they are entrusting their children to.
NTA. You are 100% in the right, dude. Your wife can dance herself if that's what she wants. It's neither healthy nor normal for a 12 year old to be overbooked. The teacher is probably just sad because there is no boy there anymore.
His teacher is unprofessional and should back off. Tell her to stop harassing you. I don't know how frequent her voice mails are but if it's a lot, say you will call a lawyer or the police if she keeps stalking you. Your wife is annoying af.
Not even remotely the AH. Even if he does return to dance, don't bring him back to that dance studio. Calling you a bad father?? That's disgusting. Plus, if you bring him back to that school, that teacher now knows she just has to bully your family and she will keep a paying student. I guarantee that the fees you are paying are just as important to her.
Ignore the manipulation Tell your son if he changes his mind he can go back to it. Tell your wife that it's her job to embrace what he really loves to do and get involved in that. Someone did that for her so now it's her turn.
NTA. Your son feeling guilty isn’t your fault but the fault of your wife. She may feel sad that the dance class her and your son bonded at isn’t a thing he wants to do anymore. That’s something she has to navigate through independently or with you, but not something she should be putting onto your son.
You’re right to advocate for what his wants and desires are, that’s what being a good parent is, she would want to nourish that side of him and not try and extinguish it.
It's so obvious that she's living vicariously through her kid that it's almost comical. I really think OP and his wife need to examine her history with dancing and why she feels such a strong need for her son to keep this up.
Like, did her parents pull her out because they couldn't afford it? Did she get injured? Did her parents let her prioritize something else and now she regrets it? She's not sad that her son is quitting, she's mourning something that happened to her.
Subject_Gift_3891 (OP)
She did it all through college, and then she had our son, and then they did it together. And she started focusing on it more as a thing for him than a thing for her. We have jobs, other kids, other interests and obligations. I guess she just didn't have the time anymore.
I would sit down with your wife and explain to her what is going on. No accusations, just facts. Let her listen to the voicemails. Then, when she knows what is going on, bring your son in, and tell her to LISTEN. Not talk. Then talk to your son, asking him to let you both know what he feels, what he wants, and what he needs.
Interrupt your wife any time she tries to talk during this. After he is done, thank him, let him know you love him, no matter what anyone else wants of him. Then have him leave. And talk to your wife. Tell her that it is actual emotional abuse to make him feel guilty for asking for what he needs or wants.
Then send an email to that teacher. Tell her that her wants and desires are NOT your priority, nor should they be your son's. He has a right to make decisions about what he wants to do, without manipulation.