'AITA for threatening to leave my husband for shutting down my complaints about my BIL?'

"AITA for telling my husband 'then I guess this relationship won’t work' and taking off my wedding ring after he told me not to talk about his family?"

My husband (32M) and I (30F) have been married for 8 months. We’ve been together almost 5 years, and for the most part things were good—until his brother (36M) came into the picture.

Some context: my brother-in-law had been living abroad for over two decades. He got a decent job overseas when he was young, stayed there forever, and just never came back to the usa until recently. He even attended our wedding by one of those telepresence robots because he “didn’t want to fly back for a short trip.” So I never actually met him in person until after we were married.

Six months ago, BIL got fired from his job and came back here with no place to live, so my husband told him he could stay with us “for a little while.” That “little while” has turned into six months of him living under our roof with no serious plan to leave.

Here’s the issue: his behavior toward me makes me extremely uncomfortable. He makes these weird little comments when we’re alone—like “you must drive my brother crazy looking like that” or “if I were married to you, I’d never leave the house.” or as he told me last week “(my husband’s name) is a fool for not showing you off. That’s like hiding a diamond Ferrari in a garage.”

Sometimes he tries to make it sound like a joke, but it doesn’t land as funny at all. He has also “accidentally” walked into the guest bathroom while I was in there twice (and just shrugged it off). He’s overly familiar in texts too—sending winky faces, commenting on selfies I post (in private messages/dm’s which also throws me off), and just… acting creepy.

I’ve been trying to handle this delicately because I didn’t want to start a war between my husband and his brother, especially since he just lost his job. I thought maybe it was just me overthinking at first. But after months of this, I finally sat my husband down and explained what was going on.

Instead of listening or even asking me for examples, he cut me off and told me that if I “wanted this marriage to work, I cannot talk badly about his family.” I just sat there shocked. I asked if he was seriously telling me I couldn’t even raise concerns about someone living in our house, and he doubled down. He said, “That’s my brother. If you love me, you won’t make me choose.”

So then I just.. took off my wedding ring right there, set it on the table, and said, “Then I guess this relationship won’t work.” After that I walked away, grabbed some stuff, and started sleeping in the guest room. I’ve been cold and distant since because I honestly don’t know how to even look at him the same way.

I’m quietly making arrangements to go stay with a close friend for a while, because I can’t keep living like this. But I haven’t told my husband yet—I just need space to think. Of course, word has gotten around his side of the family.

His mom and one of his brothers (not the creepy one) have been calling and texting, saying I’m “overreacting,” “dramatic,” and “trying to break up a family.” My MIL actually told me I’m “jealous” of the bond between brothers. The only people who seem to understand me at all are my two SILs, who both said BIL has always been “off” but no one in the family wants to admit it.

Now I’m sitting here wondering if I am being dramatic. Like maybe it’s not that bad and I blew up too fast? But at the same time, my husband telling me I can’t even talk about his brother feels so unfair and cruel. I’ve been nothing but supportive of him and his family for years. I need like thousandths other opinions right now, especially people who don’t know us? Am I just overreacting or what?

This is what people had to say to OP:

TheWacoFogey said:

NTA. Your husband is. You don't have someone move into your house for six of the first eight months of your marriage and allow them to objectify your wife for their own amusement. He's married to his family, not to you. You need to get out of there and see if that forces a recalculation on his part, but based on the reaction of the family, I doubt he's capable of it.

athenawise said:

Absolutely not. He's making you uncomfortable, he is wrong for that. He should not be making such vile comments. My advice would be to pack your stuff and temporarily leave to stay at your friend's house. And block all of them. Including your husband. Make sure he knows you mean business. Ignore him, avoid him, give him the cold shoulder, don't talk to him until he realizes what's happening.

Therapy would also work if you want that, but talking to him would help if he understands what's happening.

Asleep_Koala_3860 said:

You're better off to make a clean break now. Move out as soon as possible and file. These people sound wacko.

Nozza-D said:

I would have forwarded the text messages to MIL and other BIL and ask them if these are perfectly acceptable for them. I don’t even know why you’re second guessing yourself, he’s clearly sleazy, and it seems your SILs are on the same page. NTA.

BecGeoMom said:

OP, your husband is totally in the wrong here. Maybe the reason the brother left the country and didn’t come back for two decades is that he was running from a criminal charge, and now the statute of limitations has run out.

It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if you found out he raped someone 20 years ago and then left the country to avoid going to jail. That would also explain your husband’s and his family’s reaction to you talking about the brother’s behavior.

Don’t tell your husband anything until you are walking out the door. Then say this: “If I can’t talk to you about anything and expect you to hear me out, what are we even doing here? Do you need to wait until your brother sexually assaults or rapes me before you’ll listen? I’m not willing to stay here until that happens.” Then leave. Don’t look back. Get away from this family.

OP responded:

He actually moved when he was 12, not 16. My MIL and FIL sent him to stay with his aunt overseas because he was acting out, and they thought the change of environment would help him get his act together.

He was supposed to come back to the States, but his return flight happened to be scheduled for 9/11. After the attacks, MIL was terrified of something else like that happening, so she told him to just stay with his aunt.

By the time he was old enough to work, one of his aunt’s friends helped him land his first job there, and he ended up building his whole life in that country. So in total he’s been there around 24–25ish years. But after he got the good job there he permanently stayed there since MIL rather he stay there till he was 18, just in case.

AKIcegirl responded:

This is so suspicious. People don’t send their children overseas because they are acting out and have them stay for 6 years they do it to keep them alive or out of prison. Contact an attorney for a consult. Get important papers and documents out of the house and somewhere safe. As well as anything cherished. Protect any assets you can and work on an exit plan and don’t share it with anyone but your attorney.

And OP responded:

I’ll keep this in mind since the marriage is most likely over as I’m leaving. Thank you.