"AITA for 'taking over' when it came to my siblings?"
I (30M) am much older than my 3 younger siblings. My parents were teens when they had me then when I was 12, they had my first brother. Within the next 3 years, they had 2 more kids. My mom went through what I believe was postpartum depression after my first brother was born.
She wouldn’t really leave the room, barely took care of the kids. I ended up stepping up young and taking care of them, as our dad was barely ever home. He got off work at a reasonable time, but would hit up the bars or go out with friends. I suspect there were some affairs sprinkled in there.
My parents always treated this as normal. When I was 15 and my baby sister was born, my mom had some complications and passed away within a few weeks following her birth. From there, I took on even more responsibility.
I managed to convince my dad to put the kids in daycare at the very least as I had to go to school, but I was the one bringing them there, picking them up and taking care of them. Even after I turned 18, I went to college locally so I could stay close to home and take care of the kids. My dad would leave me money, but would often disappear for days to weeks at a time.
I was raising my younger siblings. Somehow, I met someone who was willing to put up with all of this and my girlfriend began helping me. When my siblings were 7, 6, and 4, my dad actually tried getting sober, being around more, etc, and I was supportive of this. However, my brothers and sister didn’t trust him. They barely knew him as he wasn’t around. All they wanted was me.
I tried to encourage them to go to our dad with stuff, but they always went to me. I didn’t want them to feel abandoned, so I would do what they asked. Dad got annoyed and went back to his old ways. This happened two more times, but the process was always the same. Kids didn’t trust him, they kept coming to me, and eventually, I stopped telling them to go to our dad.
Dad would start drinking again and start being gone often. When I was 25, I married my wife and we moved into our house. I was hesitant to leave my siblings and tried to be around as much as possible for them. They ended up spending a lot of time with us at our place. 3 years ago, they came for spring break and then after that, just never went home.
My dad eventually signed custody over. My siblings are now 18, 17, and 15. My dad is sober again and I’ve left it up to the kids on if they want to see him. 18 year old does, 17 and 15 year olds do not. My dad is irritated yet again and said that it is my fault the younger 2 refuse to see him.
He claims I should’ve backed off completely when they were younger. I told him that it’s a lame excuse and that he could’ve tried harder, refused to let me take over, and he most importantly, could’ve made them come back home 3 years ago.
My dad is insistent that I am the problem here. My wife is on my side. The kids are as well, even the 18 year old. But a lot of our extended family agree that I am the problem. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
lemon_charlie wrote:
NTA. Your father has reaped what he sowed in terms of relationships with his children and is making this about him rather than the responsibility he let you take on instead of taking on himself.
He gave up responsibility for them in a legal context, and years of absence, physical and emotional, led to the younger ones not wanting to see him. Where were the extended family when you were parentified? You've been a parent to your siblings for more than half your life and still in that role for the long run.
OP responded:
As another comment predicted, my dad's family is also not the most put together. Apples, trees, all that. None of them were in a place to help.
But, you raise a good point that they weren't there and are only showing up now.
KaliTheBlaze wrote:
NTA. A lot of users and former users believe that when they get clean, everyone should just magically have the trust, love, and respect for them that they would have had for someone who was consistent and sober in their lives. That’s not how it works. When you spend years being absent and unreliable, you have to do the work and build a relationship.
All relationships are built one act at a time, like bricks in a wall - when you get them ready to go in the morning, show up to pick them up from school/daycare, comfort them when they have booboos and broken hearts, get dinner on the table every night, teach them how to bathe and brush their teeth, do their bedtime routine, save them from the monster under the bed or the thing in the closet, etc.
You’ve been doing that all their lives, so you’ve built them a whole house for their hearts to live in, where they are safe and secure and comfortable and they know they’ll be protected from the storms of life. He’s expecting them to act like they feel happy and safe living in a raggedy tent that could fall down any minute (and has fallen in on them in the past) while he starts laying the first stones of a foundation for them.
Of course they’re going to want what is stable, reliable, and consistent rather than something that has abandoned them and let them down. That’s his fault for being an absentee parent, not yours for filling the gaping holes he and your mother left in their lives.
Green-Particular8068 wrote:
My man, NTA and you are a saint. Good on you for providing for your siblings. They will for sure appreciate you for the rest of their lives. You are awesome and your dad is a moron who can't take responsibility and accountability for anything.
Keep doing what you've been doing. The rest of the family are enabling idiots. Sorry for being harsh but I think you did a fantastic job when no one else would step up. Kudos
Shinyyyyyy wrote:
NTA, your extended family sure has a lot of comments and thoughts NOW, weird that they didn’t have them when your dad was being a bad dad.
You did the difficult and kind thing so the kids aren’t some coat that your dad can put in a closet and decide when he’s ready to wear, their life goes on and after so many years of abandonment no one can blame them for not wanting anything to do with them, my dad abandoned me and I want nothing to do with him so I totally get it.
SirEDalot wrote:
A hundred times this. OP- you're entirely NTA. You gave your siblings a childhood. Without you they'd have been essentially feral. I have NO sympathy for dad. He made his bed by being essentially a deadbeat parent. He can lie in it. He doesn't like that his kids don't want to be around him? Too bad, he should have actually been a dad.
If dad tries to guilt trip you, tell him to fuck right off. Same with any family that take his side. Ask where they were when mom was in the ground and he was off at the bar? Oh right, in their comfy homes with their comfy families, not worrying one bit about (kidsname) and (kidsname).