'AITA for taking revenge on my ex-bridesmaid after she refused to pay for her dress then backed out?'

"AITA for refusing to pay for a bridesmaid's gown and then taking revenge on her out of spite when she backed out as my bridesmaid?"

For context, this happened a few years ago. I was 25 f and my husband was 26 m. We came from wealthy families, and we're both making a decent amount of money from our jobs.

When he proposed, we both decided to pay for our own dream wedding (in our culture, its usually the parents who pays but its not mandatory), so we decided to have a nearly 3 years long engagement so that we can save enough money for both our dream grand wedding and our honeymoon (we both were excited to go to Taiwan for an ultimate Night Market food trip!

I just wanted to eat everything after being on a diet to fit into my wedding princess ballgown). One of the first things I did was ask my best girls to be my bridesmaids. I asked each of them personally, even had gifts (a cute wallet, chocolates, hairbrush, a tote bag and a "will you be my bridesmaid?" card).

I made it clear to each of them before they accepted that they will be paying for their own bridesmaid gown but not the full price, I will be paying for 40% and they will only have to pay for the remaining 60%. I told them if they are uncomfortable with this, I will not be angry or offended and I understand why they can't accept the role. The gown will be custom-made and they will definitely get to keep it.

All of them accepted. I had 9 bridesmaids in total. Yes I know it was alot, I realise that now but back then, I just couldn't narrow it down. Hahaha. So everything was going great. I had them sent all their measurements so that I could start getting the gowns made.

Then one day I sent a message in our Group Chat to remind them that since the wedding date was drawing near, I'd have to receive the payment for the gowns soon. Almost all of them paid on that same day except this one girl. Let's call her Bianca...

She replied with a "Oh I didn't know we had to pay 🤔...." so I reminded her that when I first asked her, I did tell her then, and she said I never mentioned it to her. All the other 8 girls said I did, but only she said I didn't. But I know I did. I even remembered when and where I asked her.

I decided to private message her, trying to solve this since the gown was already made. She outright told me that she won't be paying for it because she has been a bridesmaids many times and never had she ever paid for a gown. I told her that this wedding isn't paid by our parents but out of our own pockets, unlike her other friends whose weddings were all paid by their parents.

She proceeded to tell me that her 'dad told her to back out cause he didn't approve of her to pay for the gown'. She also said she didn't have enough money, and that she will back out because I never mentioned to her that she needs to pay.

Mind you, she was in her 20s and working a stable job and still living with her parents so she doesn't have any bills to pay except her Netflix account. She also bought herself an LV bag a few weeks after this scenario. No money, my ass Bianca.

I was pissed and hurt because we have been friends since we were in diapers. Our families are close. Our moms were pregnant at the same time. My family had always been generous to hers. We got them expensive gifts and wines, paid the tab when we all went out together. Bought them lots of souvenirs when we travel.

It was at this moment, I realise that her family never really paid for anything. During potluck gatherings, they'd come empty handed but pack some food home and drank all the alcohol. They never offered to pay for anything. During occasions like Chinese New Year or Christmas, they'll be the only family that doesn't give any red packets to the kids or presents for anyone. They were freeloaders.

But they had money. They were not poor. They even have a sports car and a huge home. After I came to this realization, I knew Bianca never planned to help pay. She was hoping for more freebies and that I'd let it slide and pay for her.

So after she left the Group Chat, I had a talk with my fiance about it then he told me to return all the money back to my bridesmaids and he will cover the full cost of the gown. He wants Bianca to know that we decided to pay for the gowns after she backed out.

So I told my girls about it, but what they told me literally made me cry. They all refused their money back. And my maid of honor told me "the measure of true friendship is not in the amount of money paid but in the moments when we are there for each other". I ugly cried. ❤️

But I was still feeling angry and petty, and wanted some kind of revenge on Bianca and also reward my bridesmaids for being amazing girlfriends. So I decided to bring my girls to an all expense paid trip to a Beach Resort. And this was no ordinary resort. It was Club Med. Free flow of food, alcohol and entertainment.

And I made sure that Bianca knew about it through Instagram. We had the most amazing time and definitely strengthen our friendship more there. It was a core memory weekend.

Bianca was not happy. She came to me after the trip and asked me why I never mentioned this trip to her when I first asked her to be her bridesmaids. I told her I did some gardening and plucked out some weeds, and I was so happy with the results that I decided to celebrate. She got mad at me, called me rude and a b*$&%.

She did still attend my wedding though and even had the audacity to tell guests she backed out because I wanted to pay for everyone's gown except hers, painting herself as the victim. My mildly drunk dad overheard and shut her down immediately, embarrassing her in front of many people. She has not spoken to me since then.

I barely see her anymore. Last I heard, she got married, had a baby, got divorced cause her husband had a gambling problem and she moved back in with her parents and is a single mom now. Was I an @$$hole for wanting to pay for everything after she backed out? I know I acted out of spite. I started feeling a little guilty and felt like I may have overreacted...but part of me is still happy that I did it.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

alicat777777 asked:

Well, but how much was the 60%? Was it $200 or $800?

OP:

It was 450. So 60% was 270.

Born-Application-674 said:

Ok here are my 2 cents as a guy:

- dick move from her side. Clearly showing a lack of good character. You should be thankful for that relegation back then because it allowed you to see her how she is. I'm thankful in such situations because these people suck away your happiness.

- you did not do something to harm her. Just excluded her and then did something nice for your friends. That's not very malicious. Shows you have a good heart.

- like the move of your hubby to pay for all gowns.

- like the answer of your friends. It's not like you fought together in a war like level. But still a good show of reliability as friends.

- thanks for the nice read

Revolutionary-Poem90 said:

NTA like you said she was probably just wanting you to pay for her gown and she was never really going to pay in the first place

hecknono said:

I think you did the right thing. Do your parents still talk to her parents? Do they realize what mooches these people have been?

OP:

Yes they realise but our parents are still friends. We're part of a large group of friends (7 families) so they all meet up every month. But my parents no longer give them any expensive gifts or even invite them out for dinner anymore.

mrsfunkyjunk said:

You had enough money to take 8 women on an all expense paid trip to a Club Med type place, but you couldn't pay for gowns?

OP responded to the comments:

A lot of people are judging me because I asked my bridesmaids to pay for the gown. Where I'm from, bridesmaids paying for gowns are a norm. So I hope you all can look at that with an open mind.

Also, to clarify, my husband is the one who paid for the trip, not me. And I did what I did not because she doesn't want to pay or because she backed out last minute, but because she she lied to me by saying that I never told her about paying beforehand, and mainly because I've realized that she has been using me for years for money.

I have been paying for her almost every time we went out together, and not once has she paid anything for me, and the one time I asked for it, she said no. It hurt because she was one of my closest friends, and we have known each other since our diaper days. If that means I'm self centred and entitled, then okay. I accept that.

Also, the trip was not solely to spite her. When my husband suggested it, I was excited to tell my girls. The revenge on her was just a bonus.