'AITA for taking unnecessary money out of my daughter's pocket? She was rude to her stepbrother.'
"AITA for taking unnecessary money out of my daughter's pocket?"
Basically, I have a daughter, Emily (16F) from a previous marriage. My wife Sasha, has a son the same age, Mark (16M). Mark doesn't stay with us that often, he prefers to stay with his bio dad. That being said, when he is here, I find Mark to be a pretty good kid, polite and respectful. His dad decided to take a trip for work, in the last few weeks of school, so Mark's here for a bit.
He's out of the house most of the time and doesn't take up much space. He does get kind of grumpy when there’s too much going on around him, especially noise, but for that, his favourite thing are these expensive noise-cancelling headphones which he almost always has with him- a present from his dad.
Emily’s school has already finished, so she's home. The problem is that the room Mark is, sometimes has miscellaneous items put in when he's not here and therefore Emily seems to think its fair game to go through his stuff.
I've told her to stop, but Sasha hasn't been taking it seriously, imo, saying that most of Mark's stuff is easy to replace. The big problem happened when Mark accidentally left his headphones in his room, and Emily accidentally snapped them. Mark found out when he came home from school and flipped.
He shouted at her, saying she was 'spoilt without anything to back it up', loud enough that my wife and I heard it from the other room. Sasha wanted me to calm things down, which I did- but I also told Emily she’s replacing them. Thing is, Mark’s dad offered have someone get him a new pair immediately, and that it wasn't a problem. I said Emily would pay him back, and I'm sticking with it.
Emily and Sasha think that’s unfair since Mark’s dad can afford to buy 10 more. But I don’t think you get to break someone’s stuff and not pay for it. Those aren't the values I was raised with or what I want for my daughter. That being said, I do realise in this case its kind of unnecessary and there may be better ways for her to make it up to him. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
ratherbeinmylibrary wrote:
"The problem is that the room Mark is, sometimes has miscellaneous items put in when he's not here and therefore Emily seems to think its fair game to go through his stuff. I've told her to stop, but Sasha hasn't been taking it seriously, imo, saying that most of Mark's stuff is easy to replace."
I'm a bit confused about this. Does Mark not have his own room? Whose miscellaneous items are left in his room? Why is his room used as storage space when he isn't there? Why does Emily go through his stuff?
OP responded:
It is his room, but when he's not here for weeks/sometimes months, people will leave a couple of things in the empty space. its a pretty small house. We tidy and clean before he arrives of course.
Sassypants2306 wrote:
I'm sorry, but there is NO way a 16-year-old snapshot headphones "accidentally," especially good quality noise cancelling ones. I think your daughter knew exactly what she was doing. She probably knew the importance to him too. She should pay back regardless. She should apologise sincerely and then you ALL clean his room out and while he is not present it is LOCKED. He gets the key. NTA.
boredoutof_mymind wrote:
NTA but honestly she should have been punished for continuing to go into his room/through his stuff before it could get to this point. It's good she's getting consequences now but it shouldn't have gotten to this point.
katbelleinthedark wrote:
NTA. No, no, there is no better way for Emily to make it up to Mark. It doesn't matter that his bio dad could buy him 10 more right now - he already had perfectly working ones and your kid broke them (how do you snap headphones accidentally though?).
She broke his stuff. She gets to pay him back. If this had happened at school or anywhere outside your home, that would not be questioned. She'd have to cover the cost of the replacement. Emily needs to learn that her actions have consequences and the consequences will often be of the monetary loss to her.
PickleManATL wrote:
First, absolutely your daughter needs to pay for a new pair immediately. She also probably needs to go without her cell phone and other luxuries for about a week or two as punishment.
You don't take other people's things without permission - period. She should have learned this long ago but she needs to learn it now since she hasn't. Next, you need to put a lock on that bedroom door. His son and the two of you get a key. She does not. It stays locked when he's staying at the house.
Vegetable-Cod2340 wrote:
NTA. Her attitude is exactly why you need to stick to your to punishment, it’s doesn’t matter that his dad can buy him a 1000 more pairs, can Emily?
Because thats the issue she believes because his father can replace things, that’s means there all up for grabs, but there not , stealing is stealing no matter who it’s from . Emily hasn’t learned the basics lessons of respecting others people’s property, and this is the lesson and it is apparently costly.
‘Emily, the point of this is you can’t afford to replace this easily, it will require hard work and sacrifice, and those are the consequences of taking something that doesn’t belong to you and breaking it. You gotten off pretty easy in the past taking Mark’s stuff and that’s where this ends, right here."
"Mark’s room isn’t public space , you need his permission to be in there and to touch and borrow his things , and if you break something YOU have to pay to replace it , not me, not your mom, not his dad."
Honestly, I would have probably allowed Mark to have a lock on his door by now, and if she keeps going in there without permission there be would be fines that she has to pay. Because OP, she needs to leans this lesson now before she's released into the real world as someone future bad roommate.
Ok-Educator850 wrote:
NTA. Emily should 100% pay back what she owes to Mark. Whether his dad replaces the headphones or not isn’t relevant to her owing him that money. Stop storing random shit in Mark’s bedroom. This is his private space.
Clear it out of anything that isn’t his as put a lock on the door. Only Mark should have access to the key to that room. Spare key should be kept well away from anyone else in the house (except adults). Have some respect for his personal space and find somewhere else to store your random crap.