'AITA for tearing my family apart over a carseat (according to my stepmom)?'

"AITA for tearing my family apart over a carseat (according to my stepmom)?"

My stepmom and dad (46M) have been married for nearly twenty years at this point, and she has consistently been emotionally abusive during my adolescence along with favoring her biological children over myself. She also might be a narcissist, but I’m not a doctor.

Everything blew up in my face over this past summer 2025. My husband (26M) is on assignment overseas and has been for two years now. I have been solo parenting our young children (4F, 3M, 1M), and had been promised support by my dad when I made the choice to move back home.

In June, I found out FROM MY TODDLER (3F AT THE TIME) that stepmom had driven my daughter from her house to a relative’s down the road with a 45 mph speed limit without a car seat (a road with common reckless driving). The trip was two miles maximum, but I texted her about it very upset.

Rightfully so, if you ask me, but I can admit that it may have been strongly worded. Either way, she never responded and proceeded to ignore me for months. She ignored me during my daughter’s birthday party, and spoke maybe one sentence to me at my half brother’s (14M) birthday party, which was directed between multiple people anyway.

During the whole ordeal, my dad has been trying to get me to apologize to her. She is upset because I was “disrespectful” in my text to her, and she had been telling any family that asked that I was the one ignoring her. Mind you, my dad was the one who told her not to respond in the first place, telling me later that he would have made the same decision.

There was a lot of tension caused in my relationships with my dad and my half siblings over the following months, and she was noticeably upset when I showed up to Thanksgiving at my dad’s request. After that, my dad disinvited me to Family Christmas (Family Christmas is always on Christmas Eve), saying that it made everyone feel uncomfortable and it wasn’t fair to do that during the holidays.

He instead tried to make Christmas Day work at his house, and I didn’t want to go because I felt uncomfortable sneaking around behind her back and being at that house in general. We decided to go to my house for Christmas Day. My younger sister (20F), who is also not biologically her daughter, was present for Christmas Eve at their house after to open gifts with our other siblings.

After stepmom had gotten visibly upset with her over the mention of my house, she broke down crying to Stepmom about how she felt it was affecting their relationship unfairly, and Stepmom confided in her that she doesn’t know what she did wrong and she insinuated I am trying to tear the family apart.

It has gotten to the point that my half brother told us when he was over that she gets visibly upset with him at the mention of coming to my house, or the mention of my name at this point. My half sister (16F) told me recently that she feels like I hate her over the whole situation out of association to her mother.

Following a tense Christmas night with my dad and siblings, I received texts from my Dad’s dad and my Stepmom’s mom about the situation. My Grandpa agreed with me about the carseat, but tried to bribe me with money because my dad was caught in the middle (a position he put himself in). My Stepmom’s mom sent me a manipulative text about how it is going to affect my children.

So, naturally, I flipped my shit a little bit. I took screenshots of all the messages and sent them in a group text to my parents, telling them to actually talk to me instead of recruiting my other relatives to guilt trip me. The conversation went poorly, with my stepmom lacking communication or any kind of will to compromise.

I told them I would not have this conversation at either of our houses, and that I wanted to do it in a neutral location. She disagreed, but would not provide a solution other than the two places I refused to go. They completely invalidated all of my feelings in the situation, saying I was being emotional and impulsive.

My dad proposed to push it off until they came home from their weeklong tropical vacation, which clearly shows where his priorities lie. They got back a few days ago, and we have not come to a solution. I told them that if they would not cooperate with me at all that I’m done with everything.

EDIT TO ADD: This is the text I originally sent: “Daughter just told me that you had her ride without a car seat, even though I offered to leave her car seat. That's incredibly dangerous and disrespectful because you know how I feel about car seat safety. Had there been an accident, she likely would've died. If I can't trust you to follow that, I can't trust you with my children.”

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Appropriate-Bar6993 wrote:

She drove your toddler without a car seat? I’m not following.

OP responded:

Yes she drove my daughter in her car without a car seat (illegal).

MorphophoneticGrid wrote:

I'm sorry, but YTA to yourself and your children for continuing to argue with people who have proven they don't give a flying fig about you unless you follow their demands. Your stepmother endangered your child, when she had options for not doing that, and is completely unrepentant to the point of not even understanding what she did wrong.

Your family as a whole promised you help while your husband is overseas, but that help is not manifesting, to a point you would sooner turn to babysitters in an actual emergency.

Why are you continuing to engage with people who want you to believe you're tearing the family apart over a basic safety necessity? They haven't seen things from your side yet, and it's not because you haven't explained yourself. It's because they don't want to.

You don't have to go NC over this, especially if they do actually provide some sort of assistance. But please, for your own sake and that of your children, set some boundaries. Stepmom cannot drive the kids without a carseat, and if that means she can't be in charge, that's what the sitters are for.

I would strongly consider not leaving your children alone with them at all- if your family is speaking to you this way, what makes you so sure they're not berating your children as well? Or teaching them that you're mean and bad, or telling them to keep secrets from you? They've already broken your trust. Act accordingly.

OP responded:

I really appreciate this perspective, none of them have been alone with my children since all of this has happened. The only reason I have been engaging in any kind of way is in hopes to keep a relationship with my half-siblings.

DubiousPeoplePleaser wrote:

Why the hell are you letting a toxic, dangerous woman around your kids? To hell with her and time to confront your dad.

“Dad, I have come to realize that the big issue here isn’t stepmom, it’s you. You knew she was driving my children without a car seat and said nothing. Just as you said nothing every time she emotionally abused me. (Fill inn with examples).

You never protected me and you never stood up for me when she hurled her insults and mistreatment at me. You failed me as a a father and now you are failing as a grandfather. I won’t make the same mistake as you did. I will protect my child from her, and the only way I can do that is to remove her from our lives completely. This is not a debate. I will not negotiate.

Stepmom will no longer be a part of our lives. I will not come to your house ever again. She will never be allowed in my home or around my children again. You will be welcome, but if you try and defend stepmom, and keep failing as a dad, then I’ll have to reassess that too. Half siblings and step siblings are welcome too, as long as they abide by the rule of not bringing up their mom.”

And yes, you need to cut her out now while your kids are young and will easily forget her. Send a copy to grandparents and siblings as well. ESH stepmom for everything she ever does, extended family for the manipulation, dad for bringing that horror into to your life, and you for letting stepmom around your kids.

Mushroomvenom wrote:

NTA, your stepmom either doesn't realize or is choosing to ignore that what she did is ILLEGAL. Your daughter could have gotten seriously injured or worse if they had gotten in an accident.

Your stepmom is being selfish, and I would start considering whether or not a relationship with the family members enabling her is worth the emotional abuse she is putting you through, and the mistreatment she is now putting your child through your child through by neglecting her safety.

The people defending her have shown that keeping the peace with her is more of a priority than the safety of children, and those are people you need to get the hell away from.

Honeyedvinegar42 wrote:

NTA. Your stepmother was in the wrong, full stop. I mean--I grew up in an age where kids would sit in the "way back" in vehicles without any restraint. Kids sitting in the back open bed of a pick up. Some of those kids didn't survive. Today (and really for many years before this) we know a lot better--small children (like yours) cannot be properly restrained in a seat belt because of their size.

That's why the law exists to have them in an appropriate car seat/booster with belt positioning until they achieve certain size/weights. The one who is tearing the family apart is your stepmother, who did something dangerous and illegal and doesn't seem to be particularly repentant.