Teenage boy's bio dad begs him to donate bone marrow, 'I'm DYING,' Boy says,'Yeah...I'll pass.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this boy doesn't want to help his father, he asks the internet:

"AITA for not donating my bone marrow to my birth father? + UPDATE"

I (17M) am adopted. My birth parents weren't able to care for a newborn and I ended up in foster care because of it. I was adopted by my family when I was 2. I have a very happy life, one I likely wouldn't have with my birth parents.

About a month ago, my birth parents got into contact with my family. Long story short, my birth father is sick and needs a bone marrow transplant.

They are on a wait list but haven't heard back just yet. I am the only child they ever had and odds are I am a match. Pretty much they wanted my parents to get me tested and then donated my marrow to him. My parents told me that it's up to me and after some thought, I said no.

I don't know them other than they gave birth to me. They have had no part in my life whatsoever and now they suddenly need me. Well they send my parents a nasty message saying they can sue to force me to donate my marrow. I do feel a little bad but I feel like this isn't my problem. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

feastin writes:

Ok. I'm also an adoptee-for whatever that's worth... Let's take that completely out of the equation. Right now, all of this is a non issue as you don't even know if you're a match. I am a donor.

Alive, I'm a bone marrow donor (on the list), kidney donor (on the list), and when I die absolutely anything that can be used will be used. You have to decide if you want to be a donor.

Period. The end. Don't judge it by WHO you're donating to. That's not how any of this works. Either you want to donate to save a life Or you don't. Thats the choice you make. You're either a donor...or you're not. If you are, yay! Awesome. Go save the life of a stranger. If you're not, yay! Go life your life.

creaaaam5 writes:

NTA. I adopted my daughter which the sperm guy didn't contest. At age 18 she received a call from him saying hi I'm your dad.

My daughter who knew she was adopted at age 3 told him no my dad is named Mike and he is here with me. I felt secure enough about our relationship that I told her I don't have a problem if you want to get to know him and his family.

If you do end up having a relationship with them it won't change a thing between us. After unwanted pressure from a couple of her friends who insisted she should she agreed to meet with them. A few hrs later she came home and said it was akward and she didn't feel anything towards them.

There was no magical bonding moment. Nothing clicked for them. I feel bad that even after that she had people telling her she was in the wrong and that they were family to her. So I get that he doesn't want anything to do with his bio dad let alone donate his marrow.

floraaa writes:

Hesitating between NAH and YTA. I am registered as a bone marrow donor. If I am ever pinged as compatible and called to donate I will obviously don't know the person whose life I will help to save.

I am sure that if you saw someone drowning (if you can swim) , you would not balance the risks and inconvenience of trying to save them, and argue that you're not related, water is wet, and they maybe be a shitty person.

Bone marrow is not dangerous (or your health system is worse than where I am) , it is not really painful (bruise and muscle stiffness level of pain). You don't need to give to him as your bio father, just as a fellow human ; not do it for him, but for you. You can stay NC after that.

nooooji writes:

NTA. I just want to say, that the bio parents arent assholes for asking, they are facing a Life or Death situation and are desperate, they are assholes for threatening to sue, again, probably because they are desperate and with no options left.

Im not siding with them, but giving out a baby for adoption is why OP has a good family and life now, instead of living on some trailer park taking care of his agonizing parent.

Giving away your child to foster must be one of the hardest and toughest choices things you have to do as a parent, and even more making the decision of not geting involved in his life.

Since we dont know everything, either we can asume that they were ashamed of visting him and just decided to let OP had a good Life without them and their shitty life getting involved or someone restricted them to get involved, they being massive assholes is also a posibility.

I also understand why OP doesnt want to be involved with them, he doesnt have (and why should he?) any emotional link to their bioparents, and he probably cant put on his mind why he should care about a couple that left him behind 17 years ago.

Even with the technology now not needing OP entering surgery and just taking some drugs and giving some blood why he should care? anyone else compatible can do it, not his problem.

in the end, is OP body and choice to make, and anything he decides should be respected, i just wanted to give my point of view as most of the people here are , as always, thinking the world is white and black and blaming OP parent for being the assholes.

yugiopoekmstrike writes:

NTA, they didn’t want you when you needed them, but now that they might need you, they now do, parents who are absent and only get in touch of they want something from a child that they weren't there for...

they’re the Ahole here, yes it sucks that the bone marrow transplant is needed but to put this on you when you’ve not had contact for so long and hardly know them, it’s your body, not theirs and what if you’re not a match? They could make you feel worse about it if you were to do this

parents who give up their kids, give up parental rights as well, your real parents are the ones who feed you, clothe you, keep you safe, gave you a home and a family, the fact your birth parents ask you (a total stranger to them) to do something like this, not even considering how you feel, is selfish of them...

I’m not saying you shouldn’t or that you should, this has to be your choice, if they turn around and say “we’re your parents, you MUST do this!) you tell them they stopped being parents the second they gave you up

sinceee writes:

Sorry but I do think you are the arsehole A bone marrow transplant has minimal risk and no long term effects. It is not like donating a kidney in that sense.

That is why many people are on the registry anyway and prepared to do this for an absolute stranger.

Although these people are strangers I feel this is more about spite and you don't even know the circumstances of why you were taken and you don't know if you have other members of your birth family who want to meet you even if your parents are terrible people. YTA.

affeccc writes:

I would not call you an AH as you do not have to donate bone marrow to anyone. However, on a personal note, I was a bone marrow donor to a complete stranger that I have never nor will ever meet. And it was one of the greatest honors of my life. If I have the opportunity to match someone and do it again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

The procedure itself is minimal as bone marrow is a liquid product... kind of like a specialized way of donating blood. There are two ways to donate, and which way depends on the patient’s needs.

Mine was the surgical donation, and the soreness in my lower back was simply from the needle removing the liquid product that saved a stranger’s life. That was 8 years ago, and my soreness was gone quickly. And now somebody gets to live the whole rest of their life.

With that said, your birth parents sound decent as they 1) didn’t kill you and 2) made an incredibly loving decision to make an adoption plan.

I am going with NAH, bc they aren’t AH’s for asking, and you have a choice. But you could also choose to get tested, and not match, and then it wouldn’t matter anyway.

And yes, I am currently on the world wide registry. So if I matched your birth father, I’d donate to him, no questions asked.

2tinymonk writes:

Indeed. NTA. Especially after the sueing part. Wish them good luck with that, they didn't want you then, they won't have you now.

Also, went through the procedure as well. I raise your not walking for 2 weeks with bordering needing a blood transplant, not being able to work for over a month and having to take medication to get my hemoglobin levels up again for months. I also couldn't lift my own baby for weeks, aside from the not walking.

The pain meds also barely worked so the pain was horrible for well over a week before it got bearable with paracetamol (took much heavier ones before that, as of they were candy). I now have 14 scars on my lower back that I still feel sometimes. It's been well over a year.

The surgical donation is no joke. And the dialysis one is not exactly a ride in the park either thanks to those meds you have to take beforehand.

And now, OP's first update:

Sorry right after I posted, I went to the store with my mom. Just wanted to clear up some things I read in the comments.

-I'm a boy but flattered some of you think I'm pretty enough to be a girl.

-I have no contact or anything with my birth parents. From what my parents told me, I was put into foster care when I was less than a month old. That is how they got me and they decided to adopt me which was finalized when I turned 2. I have four siblings and I have a great life.

They told me when I was old enough that I am adopted but outside of that I had no idea who my birth parents were or what they even looked like.

-Someone said I should do it cause what if I need medical information, want to get to know them, or something like that. Yeah no. I have no desire to get to know these people. None.

I have no desire to seek out grandparents, cousins and uncles. I don't want to know if some form of rare cancer runs in the family cause they are not my family. I haven't spend 17 years of my life with them. Why would I want to get to know them?

For those of you who keep saying "You should reconsider it", how about you donate to him? My parents told me to think about. I thought it and the answer is no. No. I'm not doing it. That it.

Its early, I'm getting ready for school between typing this. Read more comments this morning and again let me clear something all. My egg and sperm donors didn't lovingly give me up. I WAS TAKEN. My parents don't know the exact reason cause that information was never released to them.

They were told and I quote "It wasn't a good environment for a child." I WAS TAKEN. Even if they had given me up, doesn't mean I owe them anything. Not like I asked to be born like every freaking child on this green Earth.

If being born means I am sudden in debt to them, I would have been the slowest sperm you ever seen. I would have happily raced into a sock.

Y'all can be a bunch of hypocrites. In one breath you say there are kids in foster care who need a home. Well I was a foster kid who was given a home by two loving parents. Then in the next breath you are saying what about your family? I have a family.

They have raised me for 17 years. Medical history? Some very helpful people have privately messaged me to let me know that in 2021, I get all that shit without ever having to speak to these people again.

Ever. Amazing how far science has come right? I'm going to be showing this to some of my friends today cause I have to admit, I'm over it. Its not my problem if this man dies.

And again some people have pointed out in the comments odds are I wouldn't be a match anyway and he has been luck getting a donor off the list and it will be faster than waiting on me to get tested only to be told I'm not a match anyway.

And again with those on your hill screaming "Well wouldn't you donate to a stranger?!" I donate blood mostly cause it gets me out of PE class. I like to donate blood. If someone receives that blood then congratulations. I put no more thought into it besides that.

Even if they had come to my parents and said hey, you adopted our son and well we need a favor. Sorry to ask, blah blah, my answer would have still been no. I did my own research and found plenty of stories of kids who were used like goldmines for their genetic materials by their parents to save their siblings or a family member and that is all they were to their families. Someone who had the right match.

I don't owe them anything. I don't care if she spent 8 hours in labor with me. They aren't my family. I have a wonderful family who are supporting me right now. Also my parents are working on finding how the hell they even knew where I was cause my adoption was a closed one.

They had their rights terminated when I was taken. They shouldn't know shit about me. I dunno if they are contacting a lawyer or anything. I know they are pretty upset about all of this. I have to get to school. Later.

Update 2:

I know this is long over due. I started college, life and covid put things on hold for bit. Long story short, I didn't donate the bone marrow. My birth parents started harassing my family on the regular (texts, phone calls, letters, showing up at places) resulting in calls to the police.

They were arrested. My adoption had been closed. They used some shady private investigator to find me and basically just showed up on the door step demanding my bone marrow. My family did press charges.

As of right now as far I am aware, they are still sitting in a prison cell while they wait for their day in court as things are still delayed due to covid. I guess my sperm donator's illness wasn't that serious or he got a donation. I don't know. Anyway just thought I would update this old post. I'll answer questions if you have them.