Teen daughter's boyfriend 'expresses disgust' in dirty kitchen, gets sent home. AITA?
"AITA for telling my daughter's boyfriend to go home?"
I picked up my daughter’s boyfriend (Ron) from his house Friday night so we could watch a Christmas movie together. My daughter (Molly) and I had already had dinner at a restaurant after Christmas shopping but he hadn’t.
So I offered to make him dinner. Ron wanted to prepare something on his own, so I told him he could use our kitchen. He’s done this before, is responsible and uses our equipment with care. BTW they are both 17.
We get home and he walks into the kitchen…which was a mess and that’s my fault. I hadn’t had time to clean it up after cooking dinner the night before. Ron says he can’t work like this and proceeds to clean up the kitchen with my daughter’s help. I left the kitchen to do something else.
A few minutes later I walk into the kitchen to make tea and hear my daughter say the mess is due to my procrastination. So I explain that I had been up since 3am (I work the early shift) and hadn’t had time to clean the kitchen because I had other things to take care of and I had taken her Christmas shopping after work. She asked if I was done. I went to the living room to watch TV.
Minutes later Ron goes outside with the small compost bucket for kitchen scraps to dump in the large bin provided by the city. He walks back in complaining about the gunk stuck in the bottom which did not fall out. It’s a mixture of coffee grounds and bacon fat so it’s hard to shake out.
He tells me he’s going to hose it off outside. As he’s leaving I remember that the outdoor hose is off because it’s winter, so I yell, “Come back! The hose won’t work it’s turned off!” My daughter tells me not to yell and I tell her to tell him the hose won’t work, it’s winter.
Note: This is the second time in a week that he’s expressed disgust at our kitchen scraps bucket so I’m getting irked about it because I take it as a criticism whether he means it that way or not. Also the fact of his parents’ kitchen always being clean is something that he and my daughter have made a point of mentioning a few times.
Ron returns with the bucket and Molly washes it out in the sink. When she’s done washing it he comes to the living room holding the bucket explaining that he’s going to put parchment (baking paper) in the bottom to prevent the gunk from sticking to the bottom again.
I interrupt him and ask him to please not tell me about it because I’m not interested. He continues and I ask him again not to tell me, I don’t want to know. He has a puzzled expression on his face and starts again.
I tell him to stop talking about it and if he cannot stop to go home because I don’t want to hear about it. He stops and leaves the living room to join Molly in her room.
About 15 minutes later Ron says goodnight and leaves. Molly has asked me to apologies to Ron and I’m having a hard time convincing myself I was in the wrong.
Here's what people had to say:
ChibiSailorMercury said:
YTA. In fact, everybody is a bit of an A here, but your daughter and her boyfriend are A's in such innocuous ways and you are an A in such a petty way. Your daughter didn't need to tell her boyfriend, under your roof, "my mom is a procrastinator, that's why the kitchen is a mess." The boyfriend didn't need to make a big deal about the state of the kitchen or the state of the compost bin.
They were rude. To the point of asshole territory because, yes they're young, but they're also almost adults.
YouThey should know better. You. On the other hand. Jeez. Insecure much? "A seventeen-year-old came in my kitchen and helped my daughter clean it. He said it was messy. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
"I gave him a clear instruction, but he didn't hear me. Of all solutions, I decided to yell." "He made comments about my dirty compost bin. Yes, sure, he took initiative to empty it, clean it and prevent further gunk doesn't happen. But I didn't need to hear about it. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH." Come on.
He was even polite enough to still say good night before leaving even though you kicked him out for such a petty reason. He is doing you a favour. He is maybe a bit rude about it, but there were so many other ways to better handle it. Jeez. Who's the adult here?
aubor said:
Excuse me , but no. OP lives in that house. Their daughter lives in that house. If OP left a mess because they had to work at 3 am, and after work went running errands with daughter, why didn't dear daughter clean the kitchen?
The two teenagers complaining while cleaning so bf can cook for himself, that's not helpful. Boyfriend preaching about the "right way " to do something, that's not helpful. Why didn't he cook in his clean kitchen before being picked up? The OP was way too generous in their treatment to both teenagers. NTA.
Edymnion said:
YTA. There is a problem, he offered to help fix it and was basically asking if it was okay because its not his house, its yours. And you blew up at him with some passive aggressive BS.
He was trying to help, and you didn't want to hear it because I presume you feel belittled/threatened/insulted by someone thinking you're not being clean enough.
Sounds to me like your kitchen really is worse than you think, and they're trying to give you nudges in the right direction, and you're getting defensive over it. I think you owe them both an apology.
Dontdoityetok said:
YTA. You allowed him to clean up your mess, and he just tried to offer a suggestion to the compost bin issue. If you didn’t want him to, then maybe you should have cleaned it yourself. I think it’s odd that you just sat down whilst he cleaned your messy kitchen.
Vera_Telco said:
NTA, for all of Ron's good intentions, he's a guest in your home. That was not the time for the discussion. Your daughter undermining you most disrespectfully by telling Ron that you "procrastinated"--maybe cleaning the kitchen after you cook can be her chore to help out from now on so the person who's also bringing in the paycheck to keep the lights on (you) can get a break?
petpman said:
Nta- I don't know why people think you are the ah. The guy is old enough to know when he should let things go. You don't keep your kitchen as clean as his, ok he can work around it, or just quietly clean it up. He didn't have to rub it in your face that your kitchen is filthy and how he's having to clean it.
Him also being condescending and telling you how he's doing something a certain way like he's teaching you was also rude. You are only human, and you already went out of your way to pick him up for your daughter after you already were doing a lot for her too.